Suicidal thoughts

dilusionaloptomist

I honestly don’t know how much more my tired aching body and mind can take. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up 😞😞😞

Sandy_123

Hi @dilusionaloptomist welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you  feel that way tonight. Have you spoke to a Dr about how you are feeling. Would like numbers to be able to talk to someone on the phone?

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @dilusionaloptomist

Please keep an eye out for an email from community@scope.org.uk  

dilusionaloptomist

I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. My kidney transplant is slowing down and I can’t get any mental health support anywhere. 

Honestly think the world wouldn’t miss one more soul 

SueHeath

Morning @dilusionaloptomist please don't feel like this, stay online with us and chat, we can help try and take your mind of things, sounds like your going through such a lot, have you phoned any of the support lines.

Alex_Alumni

Morning @dilusionaloptomist, do keep an eye out for an email from us, as it has information on additional mental health support  

When you say your transplant is slowing down, can I ask if you have a date for it? 

L_Volunteer

I would miss you @dilusionaloptomist, as I am sure all of us would! What would mental health support, in an ideal world, look like for you at the moment?

Even if all we can do is listen to you, I would like to reassure you that we are all here with you and care about you.

 Please don't hesitate to let us know if there's anything we can do to support you 

dilusionaloptomist

Hey, I’m sorry for the late reply, I’m just trying my hardest not to do something that’ll upset my mum. 

I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I caught septic meningitis when I was 22 and it changed my life forever. Transplants, heart attacks, pneumonia, learning to eat read write walk and talk again took me a long time. The world doesn’t stop turning, no one hangs around after the novelty has worn off and 20 years on I feel like I’m still stuck.
3 things are unconditionally loved on this planet, women, children and pets. 

Men are loved on the condition that they provide, give safety, and the moment they don’t, they’re seen as weak and worthless and that’s speaking from personal experience 
I have no children, never married and I’m going to be that guy that is found dead after days because no one cares and no one checks. 

Im just a burden where ever I go and I physically can’t take it anymore 
I’m tired, I don’t feel like I’m noticed and I just  want to sleep now. 

I fought for over a year to be seen by mental health specialists to have a top psychologist spot on his hand, wipe it on a door handle (in the middle of a pandemic) and ask me how that made me feel because I’m a bit of a clean freak given I have a transplant. That’s the kind of help I get. Ashcombe house, Stoke on Trent it was. I wanted murder him!!

I was in a coma for a month and it was so peaceful. That’s where I wanna be. At peace 😞

Adrian_Scope

It sounds like you've been through an incredibly rough time, @dilusionaloptomist and the psychologist's actions sound frankly insensitive, if not dismissive. From what you've said, it looks like you need some proper support from people who will listen and then help you take steps to improve your general life.

What sort of help do you think you could benefit from?
Our email system is currently unavailable, but you're welcome to send us a private message to Community_Scope or even post here if there's anything you feel like we could do to help.

dilusionaloptomist

I just want to be seen and heard by a professional so I can understand why it is after fighting for my life, that I just don’t want to be here now. 

I’m convinced I have some sort of adhd because of concentration and always changing hobbies, interests. I’ve never seen anything through to the end and I don’t know why. I’m knowledgeable but just don’t want to use my intelligence because I get bored so quickly 
Im just a mess really and come to the conclusion that ppl in the real world are just too busy to help me. 

Life’s tough for everyone at the mo and I get that, but when I have no o e to turn too or talk too, and even the professionals pass me around, I just feel like no one cares. 

So why should I 😞
appreciate you replying 

Adrian_Scope

Have you approached your GP over your thoughts about having ADHD?

Right now many services are completely over-subscribed, so we could not promise any success, but we would be willing to try and find you some additional support, perhaps by way of an adult social care referral, if you think it'd be beneficial?

dilusionaloptomist

My gp isn’t that great. 

I can never get an appointment so I gave up with them before Xmas. 

Il take any help
sounds Awful but I’m fighting the urge every day to just take some pills and go to sleep. 

And I feel terrible telling you this as it’s not nice and seems attention seeking so I’ve been told. 

Adrian_Scope

Hello @dilusionaloptomist,
Please don't feel bad talking about all this. As I might have mentioned, our email system is down at the moment, but we'll reach out via email to get some more information from you so we can seek that additional support on your behalf.
In the meantime, if you're having those sorts of thoughts, please contact Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258. 
Do you have access to a mental health crisis team at all?

dilusionaloptomist

I think I might have to go to hospital if this carries on. I did see a mental health crisis team a year ago but lost faith in them when that doc wiped spit on his hand then on a door handle and asked how that made me feel because I have a kidney transplant 😞

Alex_Alumni

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with the doctor @dilusionaloptomist that sounds awful. As Adrian mentioned, we'd like to offer what support we can, so please keep an eye out for an email from us a little later today.

Remember, you can reach out to Samaritans on 116 123 or text 'SHOUT' to 85258 for urgent help. If you still feel unsafe or in immediate danger, then please go to your nearest A&E or call 999 as soon as you can.