Beyond Broken

brilliantj

Hi everyone, I apologise in advance for what might be a very long post but here goes... My son and I live together.  He has autism/aspergers and I suspect a bit of PDA as well.  He is 23 and very socially isolated.  Recently, we had to have his very old dog euthanized because of her health.  He was with her at home every step of the way and although grief stricken, he started to say things like "she's still here", "I can see her etc".  I've let him carry on, because that it his way of coping.  My daughter who has a partner and a three year old (my only grandchild) lives about an hour away and when she found out about the dog she was furious that we hadn't involved her about the dog and said things about her brother controlling the situation etc. which he overheard (he was listening on the phone extension).  In his grief/processing delay he rang her up and left a vile voice message, dragging up issues from the past etc.  She showed her partner the message and he said that my son is unhinged and that he could be reported to the police.  Now for the next part.  Things have been frosty between them and my son would never apologise or think he was wrong as he has very rigid thinking and simply does not see the world as other's do.  My son and I have looked after my grandchild (his sister's daughter) for one day a week since she was a new born.  He's done everything for her (except nappy changes), he's fed her, played with her and they formed a special bond (which was evident for all to see).  Quite frankly, no-one's had a look in when they are together (for three years).  It was so good for him to learn about unconditional love and he actually showered and formed a good health routine on the days that we looked after her.  When my daughter and partner have wanted to go out or on holiday we've had her here overnight and never had any problems.  On Mother's day we all went out for a meal.  My son doesn't like social gatherings but came to the meal because his neice would be there and to be honest in the past he's been left to entertain her (which she loves) while the adults got on with the meal. It was clear when my daughter came that she was "on edge" (I've since found out that her partner didn't get her a mother's day card or present - but I didn't know that at the time).  She had several digs at her brother, but nothing that anyone would see as offensive, just a bit controlling.  The room was crowded and noisy and he got very angry, pushed his chair back, threw down his napkin, said "that's it - I'm done" and walked out of the restaurant. He's been taught to walk round the block to cool down in those situations and then come back.  This time he didn't return and I found out he was trying to walk home (which is his safe space) which was also 20 miles from home.  I had to go out in the car and fortunately found him, but we had to go home.  My daughter has no need for us to look after my grandchild one day a week now, as the government are paying for her to go to nursery.  I knew it would be tricky and that my son would miss her, but there were things in the diary for the future (like mum and dad going to a concert) that now my grandaughter is three, we would have had fun doing with her while her parent's were elsewhere.  My daughter contacted me yesterday and said although I could see my grandaughter any time I liked and also see her and her partner, they had discussed it and my son is not allowed to see his neice or be around her (they used his temper outburst as the reason and said it had frightened my granddaughter).  They have agreed that he would never, ever harm her but said he is unpredictable and they will not allow him to see her again (he was always supervised and never on his own with her anyway).  They also have a wedding planned within the next couple of years and said he is not invited.  I had to tell him of their decision (not about being excluded from the wedding) but he can't see his niece and he is beyond broken.  He has also said my daughter can never come to this house again (again that's his way of feeling safe and having some control over the situation).  We had a plan that when we didn't see her on our day (because she would be at nursery), we would go and collect her from nursery early one day a week and take her out to tea, park etc, but my daughter said that she will not allow that.  I am so upset, for me, my son and my grandaughter.  I work at weekends so I cannot understand when I will see my grandaughter again, and how can I see her - when he cannot and their bond was so strong.  Apparently the partner has been to see his parents about my son's outburst (no violence - but he did shout) and they agree that my son should not be anywhere near her. Sorry for the long post, but my family is a small one and no-one understands my son and his condition, but I needed to get it off my chest and I am really broken, feel even more trapped and I feel now that I have to choose between my children.

Lou67

@brilliantj
Good morning.

Hi I’m so sorry for everything you’re having to deal with. It’s such a shame your daughter has decided this. As she must know her brother by now, and know he doesn’t physically lash out.

It’s a horrible place for you to be in my heart goes out to you.
You could try writing your daughter a letter explaining she knows your son is never left with your granddaughter alone, and how much not seeing her is affecting yous both. 

I really hope your daughter will reconsider, it’s such a shame to keep yous all apart, also your daughter needs her mum and brother too.

Take care ❤️

janer1967

Hi 

I would agree to give your daughter some space she will over time realise she needs her mum and your grand daughter needs her grandma 

Things will be raw at the moment for all of you let it calm down fir a while 

brilliantj

Thank you all for your replies.  I think my son and I are in a state of grief at the moment.  I love my daughter too, but will not choose between them.  I think my daughter is a bit spectrumish too as she always has to be right and will never back down.  Never mind it helps that I am able to get it off my chest.  Thank you all xx

onebigvoice

Hi@brilliantj,
  You need to let things calm down as grief for everyone is different, loosing  someone even a dog is heart breaking and I had the same decision to make and decided that it was the best for them after 14 years.  Yes, they do become part of the family and was one of the worse days of my life, and have posted on this before.  Explain that if there was anything that could have been done don't they realise it would have been done, and would you have liked to make that decision and wish you maybe could have done it, but you now have memories that you will always keep.  
  Your family will come round, life is to short for friction and just say I am always here if you need me and if you want to talk, even if she brings her daughter along for a chat and cup of tea as you are all missing not seeing everyone, even her partner, the rest is down to time.
  Explain to your son that not everything he heard was correct and that the loss of the dog makes people say things they don't mean and just need time to heal.
  I lost both my parents within a year of each other and it was like my heart was ripped out, my way of coping is to believe that they have gone back to Australia to live and have those memories.
  On the 15th March my mate in Australia who I have known since I was 11 died and that was a shock to me I am 73, and have known him longer than my wife, as we celebrated our 50 year anniversary last year.
  Contat her and ask for a chat and a cuppa.