Dealing with feeling like a burden

mrsstorey82

Hi, I'm 40, married with 3 children. I have several physical disabilities, depression and anxiety.
The last 6 months have been really hard, my depression has left me feeling suicidal and I'm self harming again (not done in nearly 20 years). 

I feel like a total burden on my family, I rely on my husband for everything, we both had to leave our jobs so he could care for me. I rarely leave the house, when I do I rely on my husband to push my wheelchair so there is no time that I can do anything for myself. I hate what I've become, I've piled on weight, lost all of my friends, spend 90% of my life in bed. I'm a shadow of the person I was. I feel like life would be better for my family without me. Everything has to be planned around me, nobody can plan anything without checking that someone will be with me.
They need someone better than me, someone who cares for them and not vice versa. I can't even cook a meal, I'm pathetic. My children had to grow up faster than they should have and had to take on responsibilities around the house. They are all teenagers now and starting to find their own way in life so it's increasingly just my husband and I. He hates seeing me so depressed but doesn't know how to deal with it. We've been to the GP several times and I've been referred to the psych team but I've been waiting 5 months now and heard nothing. They can't give me anti-depressants because of other meds I'm on. I'm in constant physical and mental pain, I just can't see a way out. 

Sorry for writing an essay, if you've read all of this - thank you. I dont know what I'm looking for, I think I just need someone to understand. 

Cher_Alumni

Hello @mrsstorey82 and welcome to our online community, I'm glad you found us 

I appreciate it must have been hard to open up and speak honestly about what's going on, but I hope by doing so we can begin to help you move forward. 

I'm going to email you shortly just to explore ways in which we might be able to offer support, so please keep an eye out for that. And if I can share one sentiment that's helped me during hard times, it's that your thoughts are not you. The voice that says you're pathetic, ignore it - you are anything but. You're a mum, a wife, a survivor dealing with adversity day in, day out and your impairments are just one part of what make you, you. Go easy on yourself.

I'm sure our lovely community members will be able to offer more wisdom from experience. But in the meantime, take care and speak soon.

Steve_in_The_City

@mrsstorey82 Thank you for sharing your feelings; it must have been a hard and difficult thing to do. I think many people on this forum will understand and I hope you feel better for posting. I am so sorry I can't help you, other than to say we are all here on Earth for a reason, and none of us really know how we impact others. You have brought children in to the world and that's a good thing. I think maybe you are appreciated more than you realise. Here is hoping that your depression will alleviate and that soon you will begin to feel better and more valued.

Sandy_123

Hi @mrsstorey82 welcome to scopes forum, we do understand here how you are feeling. As we all have our limitations to deal with. I'm sorry you feel down and are waiting a long time for your appointments. 
I don't have any magic answers to your problems, but there is always someone here to talk to, any time you feel like talking to someone.
We have lots of conversations to join in with and games going on. 

mrsstorey82

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply, I really appreciate it.
Writing it all out felt so bleak but I'm glad I reached out, sometimes seeing things written down helps make sense of things. 
I am going to contact my GP again this week and hopefully get a sense of how long it will be before I hear anything. They gave me the crisis team number but I'm reluctant to contact them in case they take me away and lock me up, that is my biggest fear. 
Thank you all again, it means a lot that there are other people who understand ♥️

Sandy_123

Hi again it might be worth ringing the crises team they may be able to help quicker. They will offer you support at home. 
We're also glad you reached out to us, it's a really good forum to be on

Purplenails

Hello@mrsstorey82. I fully understand where you are and what you are feeling. I have been in a similar situation to yourself although I did not self harm. From what you have said you have now become disabled but were previously able bodied. I too was able bodied and am now reliant on my Husband for shopping, cleaning etc. Although not in a wheelchair yet I believe it is only a matter of time before that is the case. I too only venture out for appointments - dentist,opticians, doctors,hairdressers etc so I get what you are saying. My advice would be to take one day at a time. I think that when you have had a normal life and it is all taken away from you it is almost like a bereavement. Although you may not be the same person physically you are still the same person mentally. You need time to grieve your previous life and gradually come to terms with and accept your new life. This is by no means easy and it is far from a quick process it does take some considerable time to adjust. In my case it has taken 8 years to go through that process and I have been free from taking anti depressants for several years now. There are still bad days but I have learned to live with my situation. It is a situation which is not your fault and unfortunately cannot be changed. Over time once all the anger, pity and guilt has passed you begin to see yourself differently. You have listed all the things which you cannot do but if you look closely I am sure you will find that there are still some things which you can do and are still good at. It may be that you are a good listener and can help others solve issues by offering advice or it may be that you can do something with your hands - sewing, painting,knitting, crocheting etc. I hope that you get some help soon from the mental health team and they can help you see the way out of your depression. Don’t give up and don’t under value yourself. Take care and allow yourself some time for self care which is extremely important whether that be putting on some make up or painting your nails whatever makes you feel better about yourself. If you look better then you can begin to feel better. I think you have made a great start on your journey already by joining Scope. Enjoy the journey and see where it takes you.

Alex_Alumni

Hi there @mrsstorey82 thanks for reaching out, I'm glad that writing this down helps make sense of things, and it's positive to see that the community can help to support you too!

If you haven't already, please keep an eye out for Cher's email, and let the team know if we can offer any additional support. 

Let us know how things go with your GP, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the Easter weekend  

Lou67

@mrsstorey82
Hi I just want to say hello and that I’m so glad you’ve reached out, there is always someone here to talk to.
I really hope you reach out to the crisis team when things get bad, as they will trying help you at home. 

Your husband and kids love you and need you  more than you think, please look after yourself you’re worth it.

Take care ❤️

mrsstorey82

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. 
I have replied to Cher's email offering support.
I am so glad I reached out, you have all been so kind and non-judgemental. I hope you all have a lovely Easter weekend ♥️

Lou67

@mrsstorey82
Glad you feel supported and that you have answered Cher.
When you feel up to joining in have a look on Recent Discussions and join us for a chat or join in the games.
Hope to see you there, it can pass a bit off time away.

Take care and a Happy Easter to you and your family. ❤️