Mental health nurse. 1st time!

Carla2023

I suffer from depression and mixed Anxiety.  I've been off work since Nov 2022 as my sons mental health deteriorated further to self harming and suicidal attempts.  He's still poorly but no longer suicidal.  
Am really struggling with my own mental health and have done since my mum passed (2013) and my partner took his own life (2014).  
I've never been as bad as this...the thought of losing my son has crippled me.  All this thoughts of guilt, fear and nightmares when I do finally fall asleep.  Questions I can't answer and either can my son.  Why us, why him, did I fail him, why didnt i notice he was struggling, what's cause this.  I tell myself it's not my fault and others do to but I can't help but feel he's gonna leave.  He's 15 possible Autism and ADHD.  Low mood and depression.  We've got camhs and early help.  School are supportive.  We keep having weeks we he seems OK then he falls back into crisis.  Am exhausted and scared.  He's trying so hard.  I know I need to remain strong but when he's in school or finally falls asleep I can't stop crying.  I sleep with 3 sets of keys.  His, mine and the safe keys.  I check his room constantly for things he can hurt himself with.  When he does go out and that's rarely and i can track his phone.  Am on egg shells.  Anyway sorry for long post but needed to vent.  Gp gonna book me in for appointment with mental health nurse.  Waiting for next level therapist but waiting list so long.  On Sertarline and propranolol.
Do hope life improves soon. On the plus side Liam finally has is Autism assessment on 19th June 

Sandy_123

Hi @Carla2023 goodness you've been through alot. I take my hat off to you. Not easy is it. Do you have family or friends supporting you at all. 
I'm pleased you have an appointment with the nurse, that's a possitive and a  step in the right direction. 
Glad your son has an assessment to in July. 
Will you  go with your son to the assessment, maybe you can tel, them your concerns.

Carla2023

I have.  And its been tough but I can honestly say Liam was my life line.  Having him made me fight.  Love my family but am the oldest and the one who everyone turns to lol since mum died.  3 brothers, they don't talk about feelings.  My little sisters like a daughter, took her in after mum passed.  She's a single Mum to a toddler and she's got her own troubles.  Plus I can't really say how am really feeling because I don't want anybody to worry.  My Aunties been great, like a 2nd mum but she's in scotland and am in Liverpool.
Liams assessment with be on zoon call so hopefully he's able to engage.  My bits tomorrow am told it can last 3 hours and they are gonna talk about his childhood years but I honestly didn't notice anything until he started having trouble with his mental health at 14 and 2 months later 1 of his teachers suggested it as 2 of her 4 kids are and 1 of them Liam reminds her off x

Sandy_123

Its hard when you have to be the tough cookie for everyone else.  But you are important too and you have to make sure your ok, to be able to carry on being strong.  Don't worry about not noticing, it usually is someone on the out side, that can see things we don't.
Your doing a great job. These assessments are a step faward to moving ahead in the future. 

Plus this forum is a great place to get support and build friendships. Somewhere to off load too.

Carla2023

Yes totally agree.  Thank you all for your support.  It's really great on here for friendship and information x

L_Volunteer

Glad to hear you are finding the Scope community great for friendship and information @Carla2023. Please do not hesitate to let us know if there is anything else we can do to support you