Wife blames me for being disabled

Wibbles

My wife / carer (of 21 years) has a problem with me being disabled

I have multiple problems but the main obvious one is poor mobility

My wife has put on weight over the last few years and used to walk for miles - but now just sits there (like I do - but not from choice) - she is totally bored and constantly lets me know that she blames me for everything !!

She has threatened to eat herself to death through chocolate.

She is clearly depressed but won't go to her GP for help - I can't ask her GP for advice because if she found out, I really don't know what she would do.

We use different surgeries (in fact different counties)

I AM THE PERSON WITH HEALTH ISSUES and shouldn't have to deal with this !

Cher_Alumni

Hi @Wibbles

Ahhh I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. I get your frustration, managing conditions with the added stress of domestic differences must be tough.

Without someone consenting to see a GP, it's tricky. My first thought is would a carer assessment be worth exploring to see if there's support out there to help make things easier for her? It might be a difficult conversation to broach, but when things are relatively settled perhaps bring it up.

Also, are there any local groups she can join to get back into walking? Or any hobbies she could pursue to keep her mind busier? Perhaps going to a spa, and having her hair or nails done would help too. A bit of self care outside of the house personally does me wonders   

There's also the option of counselling, if you want to try talking through deeper issues. Relate are great at this if you want to take a look at their website.

I hope things get easier for you both. Please keep us updated on how you are.

Wibbles

Cher_Scope said:

Hi @Wibbles

Ahhh I'm sorry, this sounds really hard. I get your frustration, managing conditions with the added stress of domestic differences must be tough.

Without someone consenting to see a GP, it's tricky. My first thought is would a carer assessment be worth exploring to see if there's support out there to help make things easier for her? It might be a difficult conversation to broach, but when things are relatively settled perhaps bring it up.

Also, are there any local groups she can join to get back into walking? Or any hobbies she could pursue to keep her mind busier? Perhaps going to a spa, and having her hair or nails done would help too. A bit of self care outside of the house personally does me wonders   

There's also the option of counselling, if you want to try talking through deeper issues. Relate are great at this if you want to take a look at their website.

I hope things get easier for you both. Please keep us updated on how you are.

We tried relate almost 20 years ago and that didn't help

My wife doesn't want a carers assessment - she tells me that the council are not going to pry in to her personal life !

Local walking groups - weve looked in to these in the past but my wife doesn't "do" strangers

Jean Eveleigh

my partner carer wont do groups either, and lies and says everything is OK when the carers assessment comes round he also blames me for my health getting worse over the years, we kind of sorted out the roles as he does all the physical stuff ( house work, pushing manual wheelchair) I do all the mental stuff (finances/bills/benefits, appointments etc) and we have also tried counselling unsuccessfully in the past so I understand where you are coming from our relationship has changed from loving partners to housemates/carer/patient and it is difficult, I tend to work on a day to day basis as long as all the chores either of us has get done and we get fed, cleaned etc and haven't had an argument when I go to sleep it's been a good day.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice I can offer but just know you are not alone in this situation I bet there are hundreds if not thousands of us in this situation suffering in silence due to the lack of social care and other carer options to aid us.   

Sandy_123

Hi @wibbles it's definitely not your fault your disabled but unfortunately your the only one who your wife can moan at. I don't have any words of wisdom apart from getting your wife interested in other things.  Like maybe a day going to bingo etc maybe with other family or friends 

Wibbles

My wife won't even have a carers assessment although her mobility is almost as poor as my own - her weight is putting too much load on her legs!! 

CookieM95

Hi @Wibbles, 

I also wanted to reply to this to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I too feel like my partner blames me for my disabilities. I often feel judged, alone and frustrated because as much as he says he doesn't blame me. His actions do not match up with his words. I can not imagine how hard it is for you to actually be told that you're to blame. I am so sorry that you are being told that, it is not okay. 

I suffer from poor mobility too, my partner loves to be out and about exploring and DOING things. I would love to be able to take part in some of them but physically can't. It is humiliating and degrading to feel like such a burden to the people we love and care about, you are 100% right, we shouldn't have to deal with this. 

I have read your comments and noticed that your wife will not engage in an assessment, my partner is exactly the same. He doesn't want the council/ social services to look down on him. Is it worth you getting an assessment for yourself, maybe seeing what help and support is around locally through the council or social services so you do not have to rely on her as much? I have a few aids in my home now which have been life-changing. For example, I have a perching stool in my kitchen which means I can sit down in there and do things like washing up, a simple task that used to cause INTENSE pain... I can now do it. I still hate doing it but at least I CAN. This means that I am not relying on my partner. I can also use the same perching stool to prepare food sat down, again another task that my partner does not have to do for me. 

I really hope you are doing as okay as you can and please try to remember you are not alone, it is not your fault!

N

ShinySylveon

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it sounds like you’re getting some huge red flags and should consider divorce if she’s this high-maintenance, and blames you for her awful behaviour.

 From how you describe, she’s being straight-up manipulative. Get rid. 

Wibbles

ShinySylveon said:

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it sounds like you’re getting some huge red flags and should consider divorce if she’s this high-maintenance, and blames you for her awful behaviour.

 From how you describe, she’s being straight-up manipulative. Get rid. 

And how would I survive without my OH ?

I am unable to even walk 3 feet

It's not that simple