Autism? ADHD? Emotional dysregulation, anhedonia and aggressive outbursts

LostInTheVoid

As per the title, I often struggle with these three things and looking for advice on whether this is likely to be related to ADHD/ASD?

So according to my GP, back in 2005 when I was 12/13 I was given an Aspergers diagnosis. I'm not sure this is correct as I can't recall ever being given a formal diagnosis and reading through the huge pile of my childhood NHS Camhs psychiatric reports I have, there is never any mention of formal diagnosis, only strong clinical opinion stated on record by my Psychiatrist and various other NHS Psychologists/occupation therapists and social workers. 

Bit background:

I was raised in institutional care as my parents could not handle my insane behaviour from the age of 4yr old upwards. I would shout swear words from my buggy and try spit at passersby. When I was older I would try urinate on peoples shoes, steal their possessions and later my behaviour escalated to throwing stones at neighbouring windows, verbally abusing people, targeting Police vans with stones, daily shoplifting, beating up other children and generally being a child from hell!

At the age of 7 I was taken into a halfway provisional school for children with special needs where I was restrained everyday and generally being extremely violent towards staff and other pupils. My placement here came to an end when I found a knife within a drawer in the staff room and I brandished it at a staff member forcing them to lock me in a room until I stopped trying to stab the door. I can't actually remember this, but the incident was recorded in a record I have. 

I was then moved to a secure residential school with staff more trained to deal with this sort of thing. My behaviour escalated beyond anything before; I was self harming, slashing my wrists with pieces of glass everyday, being restrained everyday due to extremely violent behaviour towards staff members; I would kick, punch and spit at staff members and occasionally sent them into hospital with injuries - and unfortunately from some records I read and vague memories I have - at times I sexually assaulted other children and staff members in various ways and I often had to be kept entirely away from other children. I'm sorry to even type that, but that's the reality of my life as a child back in 2002! I was also known to torture animals and the school had to get rid of our pet rabbit due to my child self abusing this animal, very sadly. I spent alot of my days in the institution placed within a secure padded room until calm enough to come back out, whereby I'd become violent again and the cycle would repeat. I lost out on most of my schooling. My behaviour would swing from calm, sweet and reasonably well behaved to psychotic and violent and this switch happened very quickly. I seemed to take pleasure in seeing how much I could manipulate people and situations and seemed to be split between idealism and hopelessness, swinging back and forth from one and the other. 

I was placed under the evaluation and monitoring of the NHS Camhs team, and after a strangulation attempt on myself and a particularly bad self harm cut I was administered valium, presumably as an anti-psychotic as well as Sertraline and Ritalin for a suspected ADHD as clinically evaluated by my Psychiatrist Dr. Hoare. 

I was registered by the care institution with NHS play therapists and occupational therapists who tried in vain to assess me and try make some breakthroughs. There was very limited success with this. Social Workers also couldn't make much headway with my behaviours or the underlying reasons. My parents never ever visiting probably did contribute to the behaviour I suppose. 

At age 12/13 I moved onto a secondary secure care institution where I would remain until age 16. As I got into my teenage years the psychotic and violent behaviours subsided and I turned into a pretty calm and laid back geeky sort of teenager, preferring to read books and engage the staff members in philosophical conversations rather than participating in same age peer groups and activities. I couldn't at all relate to or even get on very well with my peer group; I was alien to them and them to me. I avoided my peers for the most part and fed off the adult level conversations/topics that I constantly tried to engage the staff in. 

Attempts by the staff to force me to socialize with my peer group generally resulted in me holing up in my bedroom and refusing to come out. I did occasionally play video games with a couple other boys but generally was quite aloof and pretentious towards the other teenagers. The same age school pupils of the opposite gender did NOT like me at all, I would very often try to engage the girls in sexualized conversations, not so much because I "got off on it" but I guess I found it amusing and enjoyed shocking them? I would verbalize a lot of sexual inuendo and I generally made all my female peers very uncomfortable, they avoided me and actively hated me. 

I left school with decent standard grades but after that my life pretty much fell apart once I left the structure and routine of the care institutions. 
I moved back in with my father, whom I hated and felt misunderstood by. 
After a few years of living together but avoiding each other and trying to hide my cannabis habit from him, he kicked me out the house! 

I became homeless and couch surfed for a few years before being accepted into a hostel and given a temporary flat. I then met my ex girlfriend and moved in with her. The relationship lasted around 7 years but was generally a dysfunctional relationship and we broke it off. I was homeless yet again and couch surfed for another few years and that brings me to today!

I was given a permanent housing association home 3 months ago and due to being sacked from pretty much every job I've ever tried to work (usually fired within 2 months) I'm now on LCWRA as awarded by the assessor for various reasons, I think she took a look at my old records from childhood and listened to what I told her and she could clearly see or at least hear my struggles. 

I cant manage my time, can't plan and organize very well, I can drive somewhere 20 times and still not remember how to get there, get confused with which lane to be in while driving, I get emotionally dysregulated to the point I get extreme agitation and pace up and down, If I become too dysregulated my conduct can become very unacceptable so I have to work hard to manage this, sometimes I can't go near people for that entire day. I forget everything, appointments, names, birthdays, shopping items you name it! Large processes with lots of micro processes brings out my dysfunction, such as cooking!

Last week I handed in an ADHD assessment scale at the recommendation of my GP after speaking to her and after she read my old Psychiatric reports and seeing on the NHS database that I was prescribed ritalin as a child. I'm still awaiting feedback from her on this. 

The next stage for me I think is applying for ADP which the Citizens Advice Bureau will help me with as they did my UC50 form. Not sure what the outcome of this will be but will need to wait and see. 

My question to you though after reading all this (if you did!) is to ask you if this sounds like I might well be on the autism spectrum? possibly both ASD and ADHD? despite my GP saying I received an aspergers diagnosis in 2005 I don't think I ever DID receive a formal diagnosis, only clinical suspicion from NHS professionals. 

I didn't ever receive an official ADHD diagnosis either but Dr. Hoare my Camhs Psychiatrist prescribed me Methylphenidate (Ritalin) medication for years for what he stated was suspected ADHD, so how could he prescribe me that if he hadn't formally diagnosed me? was that allowed back then?

I'm sorry this has turned into a book but I'm just feeling so lost in life and lost in the system, like I'm just an alien on the wrong planet who can't hold anything meaningful down like a job or a relationship or even a single friendship. I struggle to feel empathy at all at times and then other times it's like I get a sudden empathy overload and start crying my eyes out over who knows what, before going back to being grey and numb. 
The only time I feel remotely "normal" is after a good hard crying session but the clarity and feeling of normality doesn't last long and I can't often cry because I'm usually just robotic and numb and emotionless. Sometimes I get rage attacks where I feel hostile towards the world and everyone and I get so agitated I smack myself in the face or smash up things. I just cannot seem to regulate or understand myself at all or focus on things or sleep when I need to sleep. I feel like I have zero identity or at least no sense of identity. Everything is just so confusing. 

Any thoughts on this long post would be much appreciated. 

Adrian_Scope

Good morning @LostInTheVoid, thank you for sharing everything you have so openly and honestly. Can I ask if you've thought about reaching out to Centre for ADHD & Autism Support? They may well have some helpful resources and can be contacted for more specific advice.

Also, if it would benefit you we could seek additional support perhaps by way of a needs assessment for you, if you think it would be beneficial? If you'd like to explore that option, please email us at community@scope.org.uk