Dealing with nerves as a autistic person, eye contact and making friends

R_k_09

Hi everyone. 

I wasn't sure which category to put this post in so I've put it in here. I'm a guy in his mid thirties with autism and dyspraxia. I recently made a big mistake with a neighbour (and I think she's a friend but I'm not sure - more on that below) which I feel really bad about. I'm planning to apologise to her the next time I bump into her. But I'm feeling really nervous about doing so. I want to get this right but at the same time I'm really scared that I will make things worse or she won't want to talk to me. So does anyone have any tips on how to deal with nerves when you've got to approach someone in this way? 

Secondly, I want to hear any tips anyone has on making sure my apology sounds authentic. I've thought about what I want to say but as someone with autism I struggle with eye contact and I'm worried that this means I will come across as inauthentic. 

Thirdly, I wanted to ask how I try and find out if my neighbour wants to be friends with me? I really want to be friends with her as she is very nice and friendly with me usually but I'm not sure how I do this without sounding awkward. Does anyone else have this problem?!  

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @R_k_09

Welcome to the community!  

Have you thought about writing down an apology? or even starting by asking if she'd like to come over for a cup of tea and talk? I'm wondering if that could help you be at ease too? 

R_k_09

Hi Hannah, thanks for the welcome and for your very helpful ideas. 
I have already written down on my phone what I want to say to my neighbour when I apologise. I think it sounds okay, but I'm not very good at memorising things so I'm worried that if I just read it off my phone it will sound inauthentic. 

I'd love to invite her round for a cup of tea but I'm not sure she would appreciate that. I was planning to present my apology to her when I next bump into her near where we live (she has a dog and I like walking so we usually bump into each other fairly regularly).

R_k_09

Hi @EffinMuppet thanks so much for that really thoughtful, reassuring and helpful reply. I think your suggestion on picturing it going right and acting humble, genuine, polite and smiley is a really good one, so will try and focus on doing that. 

And yes I was thinking it would be really nice to go on a dog walk with her sometime. But you are right the slowly approach would definitely be best in this situation. I will see how the initial conversation goes and wait for the right opportunity to come up

R_k_09

I bumped into my neighbour this morning and she completely ignored me! I feel really really bad that our relationship has deteriorated over what was just a honest and clumsy mistake from me - and when I just wanted to apologise to her as well! I don't know what I should do next - do either of you have any tips?  

Alex_Alumni

Hello there @R_k_09 I'm sorry to hear this, it's upsetting when we feel ignored. Can I ask, did you speak to her at all this morning, or just walk by each other?

I know it seems unreasonable of her to ignore you, but it sounds like she doesn't know that you want to apologise, is that right? 

Sometimes people react differently to a mistake, some will be angry, some will sulk for example. Most need a little time to cool off before they can be open to an apology, or talking with the person they've been upset by. This is a very individual thing, and not a reflection on you as a person.

R_k_09

Hi @Alex_Scope

So we were walking towards each other, and she moved onto the grass next to the pavement we were walking on and went to pick up her dog. When I walked past I tried to say hello but she ignored me. I didn't speak very loud to be fair and I'm not always the best at reading social situations but it felt very much like she was trying to avoid me. 

No you are right she would not have known that I wanted to apologise. I suppose I was hoping she would have been at least open to saying hello to me. And I was so looking forward to at the very least telling her that I was genuinely sorry for my mistake and starting to repair the damage that I obviously caused. So it did upset me that she wouldn't even consider just saying hello to me. I feel really bad that I've hurt her this badly as she's always been nice and friendly with me and I thought she'd be a nice person to be friends with. I am quite sensitive and I read recently about how autistic people can be more likely to have something called rejection sensitive dysphoria (when you feel intense emotional pain when you are rejected or experience failure). I think I have this as well (I might do a separate thread on here asking if any other autistic or ADHD community members think they have this), which unfortunately makes my reaction to her ignoring me worse. 

Thinking about it logically, I should probably wait a little while longer before I try to apologise to her again in order to let her cool off. But I suppose the difficult thing is because of the above I find it hard to get over this sort of thing. And how long to wait? Probably a good couple of months.  

Thank you anyway for your kind and reassuring response. I do hope that you are right and perhaps she needs longer to get over my mistake.  

Alex_Alumni

Thanks for explaining @R_k_09 she might well have been preoccupied with something else, or focused on her dog, or she might just not have felt like talking. But as you say, it can be hard to pick up on these things sometimes, and I don't want to invalidate how you felt at the time.

It's clear that you care very much about your friendship and that's great When you feel ready, you can talk to her, and if the opportunity arises in the near future and you're ready then, go for it. The important thing is to not put too much pressure on yourself. What would you say to a friend in your situation, who was feeling bad?

R_k_09

Thanks both for those really helpful replies. 
@EffinMuppet you make a really good case for putting a note through her door but I'm afraid that is part of the problem! After I upset her I put a note through her door apologising for what I'd done, but unfortunately she didn't approve of me doing that as she felt I was invading her privacy. I thought her response was harsh but I've got to respect her feelings so that option is not open to me. She also said she didn't want to discuss this with me so maybe she wants to avoid me for the time being because she is afraid that I will bring it up. 

I think you are both right though and I need to wait longer until I can apologise to her in person, especially if as I say she doesn' t want to talk about it now. As you say it won't be easy because I feel very guilty for causing this rift and your right I do care about being a good neighbour and friend to her and I want to sort this out. But as you also say I will get that opportunity to talk to her again in the future so I suppose all I've got to do is to be ready for it. 

Thanks again for your really helpful words of comfort and advice. 

R_k_09

Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts/experiences @EffinMuppet. To be fair to her we all have different perspectives on things based on what we have seen or what people have told us. 
Yes I can really relate to your experience of struggling to accept why someone doesn't want to be friends with me based on a misunderstanding and then struggling to move on. I'm glad to hear you have made peace with yourself regarding your own situation, and thanks for giving me your advice based on what you have learnt. I definitely don't want to get the law involved here! Or end up getting consumed by it for a long time. 

Again I agree the best solution is to try and take a break from all of this. That won't be easy as I obviously take rejection to heart but also we both live in the same block of flats so I'm always wondering if I will bump into her on the way in/out. But it's the only solution that is available to me so I suppose I will need to take it one day and one step at a time.  And just hope that time will lead to a positive ending. 

R_k_09

@EffinMuppet thanks very much for sharing your story. It's always reassuring to hear from someone else that a negative reaction to a genuine mistake isn't always down to you.

Yes that must have been uncomfortable for you, sorry you had to experience that, though I'm glad you are now on better terms with him. Did he apologise to you for his behaviour?
I wonder if my neighbour thinks that I am trying to come on to her romantically? I must admit I did ask her out last year. She said no, and although I found that tough to deal with (as we've discussed, I take rejection badly), I've tried to respect her decision and try to just be friends. But maybe she is taking my earlier move into account and is worried that I will start to make her feel uncomfortable? We haven't talked that much prior to this we just said hello when we walked past each other so maybe she was uncomfortable with how I've behaved towards her. Who knows! 

I don't know if I will say hello the next time I see her again (I suspect she will just ignore me). And I don't think I'm in the right headspace to risk her ignoring me again and hurting me again. And if the above is true then maybe it's best that I don't try and talk to her for a while. I think it would be better to take a break from trying to deal with this and focus on myself (unless she initiates the contact, which I think will be unlikely!). But I will just smile and be polite to her, and hopefully she will respond positively to that. Which will hopefully lead to her being more open to letting me talk to her, apologise and ultimately repair our relationship. I really hope my neighbour and I can end this like you and your neighbour have done: as friends I hate being in conflict with anyone and I want to repay how friendly she was to me after I moved in and make up for upsetting her by being a good friend to her (like your neighbour is to you). 

R_k_09

Yes let's hope that time does heal @EffinMuppet. Thanks for your very reassuring words about my plan of giving it time before I speak to her again. It's always helpful when someone else is able to give positive feedback on a strategy to handle a problem like this. I just need to wait and see if it works! 🤞