Struggling

INDITics

Never really posted on here and if i have I am the one trying to solve other people's posts and questions.

Recently as of yesterday I have been really down just really randomly I felt almost like ending it and I haven't had the feeling in a few months nearly a year I wanna say but due to memory loss blips i can't tell for sure if it's been a year.

I feel like a failure with everything I touch and ever since I was a child teachers to my own relatives have made me feel or told me that what I go through isn't anything new and people go through it.

I have been to a therapist and even though they helped me understand my emotions and I was able to cry for the first time since I was little i never was able to cry in a session no matter how hard the topic was to speak about. 

i almost feel like i haven't got what I am thinking and going through off my chest and every time i get depressed i feel that tightness in my chest where i want to let everything off it but I can't because someone will say I am overdramatic or everyone goes through it, or that i am just saying it coz something hasn't gone my way.

I don't know when enough will be enough for me, I feel lost and the stuff that I am good at isn't good enough because nobody cares even when they say they do. i wanna be a singer/songwriter and I have so much to offer and share but everything is holding me back and I don't feel like I am worth it and it doesn't look like I am worth it. 

Natureico

Personally I think you could be suffering from what I call the wrong self image.
A strong and vibrant self image is very important for a human being, otherwise you are very prone to a severe lack of confidence and depression.
To fix this you need to improve or change your self image completely.
To do this you have to adopt a daily practice of positive self affirmations to yourself, and change the way you feel about yourself both internally and externally.
Another good way to do this is to model yourself on someone your deeply admire and aspire to be like.

INDITics

I feel like self affirmations are cringey to say to myself and I shy away from them regardless of saying it in a mirror or writing it down.

I don't aspire to be anyone but myself, I don't have any celebs crushes only people that I admire their work ethic and how they a perceived by the media but you can never know someone's true self past what the media puts out

Adrian_Scope

Hey @INDITics,

I'm really sorry to read how you're feeling. Many people do go through similar experiences, but that doesn't make yours any less important. Your emotions are valid and seeking help is absolutely the best thing to do when you're struggling. Do you have any friends or family around you who you could speak to about how you're feeling?

Has your therapist recommended anything that you've found useful? Mind have some really good resources for managing feelings of low mood. But if you feel like you need to speak to someone about what you're experiencing, you can always reach out to Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258. If at any point you think you might need immediate help, you can always call 999.

Exploring your passion for singing and songwriting could be a really good outlet for you. What sort of songs do you like to write? What sort of music are you into?

I'm going to send you a quick email with some other suggestions, so keep a look out for that, too.

WhatThe

I don't agree with the self-image post at all.. Those are the messages you've already received, they don't work for you and can make you feel even more inadequate!

I do think though that you can identify as a singer/songwriter now. Recognition, kudos and earnings all take time for any artist. Being true to yourself is key for peace of mind.

Suicidal ideation is common with certain conditions, notably autism and this diagnosis is often overlooked but worth researching for yourself. 

There is always a reason or trigger for such overwhelming emotions which can raise an opportunity for real change and growth when you ride it out, as you have done before. 

Natureico

The problem is, if your current self image is not aligned with how you feel about yourself, then you are going to have problems all along the road of life, until you do something positive about it.

It's all fine and dandy to mimic the motto " Be true to yourself alone ", but if your self image is the wrong image and is failing you, then I would suggest you must either change it or modify it more to your true inner feelings and aspirations.

Internal optimistic affirmations and positive visualisation, are very quick methods of attaining the self image that sits comfortably with you going forward in life.

Because if your self image is wrong, then everything is going to be wrong in your life, is my experience.

WhatThe

Autistic people have problems all along the road of life as you put it but it isn't fixable

New strategies are needed just not the ones which apparently can work for everyone else

chiarieds

As the original poster (OP) hasn't mentioned being on the autistic spectrum, then I don't think any of us can assume it may be the case, & I'm sure @corvid3853 was only trying to be helpful.

I'm unsure myself about 'self image,' tho this is just my personal experience, & whilst I do find on occasion that visualisations may be helpful (just imagining lying on a warm beach & the receding tide reducing my pain), I must admit I've never ever given a thought to my 'self image.'

To find positivity in life is often helpful; trying to find the 'cans' rather than the 'cannots.' The OP has aspirations & know they have something to offer as a singer/songwriter. I hope they try with those 'small steps' to understand that they are definitely worth it with this, as with everything.

INDITics

Thank you for all the advice, I’m not autistic I have ADHD as well as Tourette’s, also severe depression and anxiety since a young age.

mentally I’m in a better place now then I was when I wrote that post, my moods can flux really quickly from depressed to happy within hours, days and weeks it’s exhausting 

chiarieds

Good to hear from you @INDITics  - so pleased you're that tad bit better! Perhaps you're not out of the woods, but you have great insight into the problems you face. Now what sort of singer/songwriter do you hope to be? What genre? I'm going back a bit, but I think my favourite will always be Leonard Cohen as I have always loved both his poetry & music (tho some may groan;my family certainly do!)

I also like Eric Clapton as he's explored several genres, & Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam), & other singer/songwriters.

WhatThe

Hello, I am so glad you feel better.

Neurological conditions can be unpredictable and exhausting to manage. Losing confidence at times is understandable and knowing what you're good at the rest of the time is also really important. 

If you were comfortable seeking therapy (well done!) then it might be worthwhile for you again and in the future.  

 

INDITics

Thank you honestly I think I just held on to everything for to long and the exploded. 

@chiarieds I love make and write to any genre I have no be shy to try out different genres and see what goes for me and what doesn’t, I myself like Eric Clapton but also grew up on Prince and James Brown as well as Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Spike Milligan and The Goons, I still listen to Luther Vandross, Boy II Men and a hold load of others. I can’t chose favourites as I have too many. 

I started writing poetry at 5 and never really stopped I moved onto writing novels at 11/12 and that was it I’ve been stuck in creating my own world ever since haha

chiarieds

You've got good taste @INDITics - Willie Nelson is another of my favourites & of course The Highwaymen, also Mark Knopfler, J.J. Cale, Brian Wilson, Seasick Steve....yes, there are many that I like too!

I used to write poetry from being about 10 to my early 20s, but still enjoy reading it.

Natureico

I'm sorry, I didn't know autism, ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome, and  Severe Depression and Anxiety were factors here @chiarieds @INDITics  @WhatThe

That's a whole new different ball game.
I have an amazing friend who was diagnosed with Mania, Tourette's Syndrome, and suffers from voluntary neck twitches and ear worms playing in his head constantly. He still manages to lead a normal life and he has a passion for playing modern jazz music on the guitar, and is fiercely independent living on his own.
I have no idea where he finds the courage and self discipline to daily face the world with such debilitating health conditions.
He is a true inspiration to me and all those who know him, and it is deeply humbling at the same time.
It makes our own daily minor issues pale into total insignificance.

Natureico

I'm sorry, I didn't know autism, ADHD, Tourette's Syndrome, and  Severe Depression and Anxiety were factors here @chiarieds @INDITics  @WhatThe

That's a whole new different ball game.
I have an amazing friend who was diagnosed with Mania, Tourette's Syndrome, and suffers from voluntary neck twitches and ear worms playing in his head constantly. He still manages to lead a normal life and he has a passion for playing modern jazz music on the guitar, and is fiercely independent living on his own.
I have no idea where he finds the courage and self discipline to daily face the world with such debilitating health conditions.
He is a true inspiration to me and all those who know him, and it is deeply humbling at the same time.
It makes our own daily minor issues pale into total insignificance.

INDITics

@Natureico - I live on my own as well I have friends and family move in my me periodically so every year I have someone stay with me for a few months just to make sure I’m not on the edge of unaliving myself as I have severe depression and suicidal Tendencies, I am a struggling alcoholic addict who has had more relapses then I like to admit but I am improving. 

I have Tourette’s and then my seizures as well as Severe hyper mobility with possible signs of Ehlers Danlos so my medical life is a mess. 

I want to do everything independently and I make music to help me get through it, I spin around with headphones on in my living room everyday singing, I don’t know why it just gives me comfort and when I’m not able to do that I can be agitated and easily quick tempered. Music really saved me when I had my accident, if I didn’t have it I don’t think I would be where I am with my disability, I would definitely be still hiding it and going through the worst of it.

My disabilities are debilitating but there is no use crying over it, give myself a day or two to recover depending how bad an episode was and I go back to just trying to survive.   

Natureico

INDITics said:

@Natureico - I live on my own as well I have friends and family move in my me periodically so every year I have someone stay with me for a few months just to make sure I’m not on the edge of unaliving myself as I have severe depression and suicidal Tendencies, I am a struggling alcoholic addict who has had more relapses then I like to admit but I am improving. 

I have Tourette’s and then my seizures as well as Severe hyper mobility with possible signs of Ehlers Danlos so my medical life is a mess. 

I want to do everything independently and I make music to help me get through it, I spin around with headphones on in my living room everyday singing, I don’t know why it just gives me comfort and when I’m not able to do that I can be agitated and easily quick tempered. Music really saved me when I had my accident, if I didn’t have it I don’t think I would be where I am with my disability, I would definitely be still hiding it and going through the worst of it.

My disabilities are debilitating but there is no use crying over it, give myself a day or two to recover depending how bad an episode was and I go back to just trying to survive.   

That can't be at all easy for you @INDITics You have a heavy cross to carry in life, still keep fighting the good fight and battle on. The aim should be not just to survive I feel, but THRIVE also in life.
Music soothes the soul, no doubt about that. In the Bible, David played the harp/lyre to calm the inner turmoil of King Saul, it was the only thing that salved him.