Am I wrong to be concerned about autistic son Around ex’s partners

briancharles5612

Really difficult to explain and I imagine some won’t either see the problem or agree with me, I do get that.

My son is five and is severely autistic. He lives with me as I’m more consistent around routine etc than his mum. He needs a very strong routine and her having two other kids makes that harder for him so we decided I could give him more time and attention.

Originally he would stay overnight for two or one nights at the weekend. He would have the odd mild panic attack but it was working.

Her bloke moved in last year and shouted in my sons face as he wouldn’t go to sleep until about 11. Sometimes he just can’t switch off and his understanding is very limited so shouting at him only distresses him. You need to be firm but keep your cool.

This lead to my ex and I agreeing overnights can’t happen anymore. Which we’ve now done for about ten months. For context the guy doesn’t work so it’s not like he’s had a long week as an excuse. From what she says he lost his cool a few times before but not as bad.

Now she said her bloke wanted a dog. My boy doesn’t see animals as real things. They just don’t register on his radar. I said it was a bad idea as he wasn’t ready for one. Unbeknownst to me she got one anyway (yes her choice).

My boy doesn’t like it pawing him (he’s none verbal and had very limited understanding). Got frustrated and threw the iPad up in the air (so not at the dog) and it landed on the dog.

Ex’s partner went ballistic at him to the point he started crying. I’ve never seen him cry from being shouted at.

My ex now says she’ll have to always be in the room with my boy.

Surely this isn’t healthy for him and at some point I’m worried the guy will flip too far.

Does that make sense?

DayDreamBeliever

That doesn't sound like a good situation for your son to be in at all. 

We obviously only get a small snippet here of the situation and how this man behaves from your point of view but from this he doesn't seem particularly safe for any child to be around regularly. Children will be children, they make "mistakes" because they don't know any better yet. Moreover for children who have developmental or cognitive conditions. That doesn't mean they should be screamed at. This can be very damaging for any child.

I was an autistic child of divorce and my father reacted to things very like your ex's partner as described here and it still impacts me now in my late 20s. My thoughts on this would be to trust your instincts in regards to your childs wellbeing but make sure you are still abiding by any custody agreements that have been court ordered and if you want to change them speak with a lawyer or an adviser in family law 

briancharles5612

@DayDreamBeliever thank you and thank you for sharing your experience as well. The biggest concern was I had to press her to tell me. So as much as she’s conflicted he is her partner and she may protect him to an extent.

Hannah_Alumni

@briancharles5612 I am so sorry to hear your son had to go through that. I agree with daydreambeliever, if you feel as his parent it isn't the best situation for your son, it may be worth a discussion about the custody agreement you have or consult with legal advice. 

I would also encourage you to reach out to the National Autistic Society on some more advice on this situation. They have advice pages on the website and a helpline you could call. 

briancharles5612

Thank you both. We don’t have a formal agreement. She agreed he could live with me so there was nothing to challenge sadly. I’m keeping an eye on thinks and will check for advice. Just a worrying situation.