Do I tell her?

DJS7P

Hello everyone

I've been in a relationship for 13 years and got an Autism diagnosis last year.  The thing is I've not told my partner out of fear of her reaction.

I know it's wrong if me to get the assessment and diagnosis without telling her, but I'm
 worried of how she'll react.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

Sandy_123

Morning @DJS7P I personally don't think it will make a difference as you've been together 13 years. Your still you 

DJS7P

Sandy_123 said:

Morning @DJS7P I personally don't think it will make a difference as you've been together 13 years. Your still you 

I must admit it hasn't been a great relationship at times.  She already knew I had other learning disabilities (dyslexia/dyspraxia) and she hasn't been overtly accomodating of those

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @DJS7P

I'm so sorry you have to go through all that and hope you had support during your assessment and have support now after your diagnosis? 

I'm quite a blunt person, if someone doesn't like me for all of me, then they can get in the bin. It sounds like being scared about how she'll react is making you anxious and unhappy. 

There are some amazing organisations out there like SHOUT who are a 24/7 texting mental health service. I'd encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. 

DJS7P

Hannah_Scope said:

Hello @DJS7P

I'm so sorry you have to go through all that and hope you had support during your assessment and have support now after your diagnosis? 

I'm quite a blunt person, if someone doesn't like me for all of me, then they can get in the bin. It sounds like being scared about how she'll react is making you anxious and unhappy. 

There are some amazing organisations out there like SHOUT who are a 24/7 texting mental health service. I'd encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. 

Unfortunately the clinic who gave me my diagnosis lacked the financial resources for any further contact after the diagnosis.  There were a couple of videos posted on a YouTube channel but that was it.

I think you're right about me being scared about her reaction.

I may well give SHOUT a text and see if that helps.  Thanks ever so much for the link.

Hannah_Alumni

It may also be worth reaching out to The National Autistic Society. They may have resources and support groups in your area  

Autism_at_40

if it were me, I'd tell her.  If she reacts badly then you know what type of person she is.  I know it sounds harsh, but I think sometimes you have to do the best for yourself, even if it's hard.

I lost so-called friends, when I got my diagnosis, but clearly they weren't really friends.  It's just a diagnosis, it doesn't change the person you have been all this time.. 

Beaver79

Hi @DJS7P As you have been with your partner for 13 years she must know you for who you are. Just because you have a diagnosis does not mean you are a different person. I am sure you must feel better yourself having a diagnosis and now find out as much as you can and  get some support. How would you feel if she walked away if you tell her? Do you have any family and friends that could help to support you if this were to happen? Good luck and if you have any further questions please ask. Take care.

DJS7P

Hannah_Scope said:

Hello @DJS7P

I'm so sorry you have to go through all that and hope you had support during your assessment and have support now after your diagnosis? 

I'm quite a blunt person, if someone doesn't like me for all of me, then they can get in the bin. It sounds like being scared about how she'll react is making you anxious and unhappy. 

There are some amazing organisations out there like SHOUT who are a 24/7 texting mental health service. I'd encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. 

Unfortunately the clinic who gave me my diagnosis lacked the financial resources for any further contact after the diagnosis.  There were a couple of videos posted on a YouTube channel but that was it.

I think you're right about me being scared about her reaction.

I may well give SHOUT a text and see if that helps.  Thanks ever so much for the link

DJS7P

Autism_at_40 said:

if it were me, I'd tell her.  If she reacts badly then you know what type of person she is.  I know it sounds harsh, but I think sometimes you have to do the best for yourself, even if it's hard.

I lost so-called friends, when I got my diagnosis, but clearly they weren't really friends.  It's just a diagnosis, it doesn't change the person you have been all this time.. 

I definitely agree.  You ultimately must do what's right for you.

DJS7P

Beaver79 said:

Hi @DJS7P As you have been with your partner for 13 years she must know you for who you are. Just because you have a diagnosis does not mean you are a different person. I am sure you must feel better yourself having a diagnosis and now find out as much as you can and  get some support. How would you feel if she walked away if you tell her? Do you have any family and friends that could help to support you if this were to happen? Good luck and if you have any further questions please ask. Take care.

I honestly don't know how I'd feel if she walked away.  I must admit our relationship hasn't been the same over the last couple of years.

I don't really have a large friend group.  There's a guy I worked with with whom I'm very close too but that's about it really.  My family have been supportive (I don't have a particularly large family)

Thank you for your kind words, they're very much appreciated.  I must admit I've been feeling very emotionally flat these last couple of days

Autism_at_40

I was in a difficult relationship once, the hardest thing I ever did was to walk away from it (we'd been together for almost 9 years, bought a house together etc). I grieved for the end of it even though I knew it wasn't right any more.  But months, even years down the line, I can look back and think, it was the best decision I ever made.  I didn't have any family to turn to and I only had my work colleagues to help me through it.

Fear often stops us from doing the very things that we need to do in order to move forward.  I try my best not to make fear based decisions in life.  They are never the decisions that bring value to your life.

After that experience, I always say that I would rather be alone and happy, than in an unhappy relationship.  I feel like those are often much harder, mentally..

You could look at it like, if she did walk away, then you would be open to meet someone who is far more understanding and supportive of you.  I know it doesn't make it any easier.

danwheelies

I think you should tell her, but maybe choose a time when she is more likely to be understanding and supportive. For example, on your birthday. It might be hard to talk about it, but I think it's worth it.

WhatThe

Discovering your authentic self with the aid of a diagnosis is to be celebrated! 

The first person I told said "So what?" and a close friend said "Is that what's wrong with you?"    Others remain completely indifferent. 

The notion of autism being a learning disability was the hardest bit for me to grasp and still is but I tell everyone and anyone now. 
  
 

Jimm_Scope

Hey @DJS7P

I know quite a bit about ADHD, less about Autism admittedly, but I know there can be similarities. Unless I'm misinformed one of them is the likelihood of having Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD). RSD can be common with neurodiverse people and it can make the mere thought of being rejected for something painful. So we avoid it. Or we try to.

I had a lot of financial issues when I was younger, I hid it from everyone who knew me because of that fear of rejection. I wouldn't ask for help, even family, out of fear of being rejected and losing the persons trust or lowering their opinion of me. 

Thing is, I wasn't just masking my ADHD and depression, I was lying and masking about that as well. And it was tiring. The fear everytime someone asked about money, or if I'd done something yet that required spending money. The fear everytime my excuses didn't exactly match up and they questioned further. 

It got so tiring.

I eventually met my current long-term partner, and I still tried to hide them. Until it came to move in together, I decided then I couldn't keep it up or I'd hurt her irrecoverably. 

It was hard, it was really hard. It did come with some tough discussions, but 4 years down the line we're good. Better than we were even. And I'm in a better place because I finally had someone to help me with my finances.

I would let her know, it's important she understands you. Is there someone who could maybe help you? A family member perhaps. It would have to be someone she would understand why you told before her.