dont know what to do incase of death of loved one

suzylou

Am very worried and anxious and overwhelmed i have mental health problems and am asd and have physical health problems. I am very worried about what do if anything happens to my elderly father who i live with. He has a will which may need updating but there is no organisation that helps with that a dead body burial funerals my house paper works registering death and letting others know and money matters. i have no friends or relatives to help me. i will be lost without my dad even tho am middle aged. i get overwhelmed and dont understand things and get panicky and so stressed with limited understanding of things. am scared and worried sick. the adult social services or mental health wont help me. noone cares and nothing is ever straight forward. I hope im understood as unable to deal with things i mentioned above which is everything to do with death that you can think off. ps no category available for this so had to choose housing and independant living. Also need help with being able to remain in my own home as me and dad are joint owners

Adrian_Scope

Hello @suzylou. I'm going to ask the team to do some research and get back to you but in the mean time, I was wondering if you're able to have this conversation openly with your father?
I would imagine he'll want to make sure you know what to do when the time comes and he might be able to help you with some of this ahead of time. I'm not in this position but know I'd be happy to do the same for my children when the time should come. 

suzylou

my father is my carer but he is elderly now and has his own health problems so he cannot assist me in this. I cannot live without him as i have multiple phobias. thanks for asking the team to research this. its a very worrying time. i wish i was not alive unable to cope or understand all this and if his poor lifeless body when it comes to that. Very painful and my brain doesnt think like other people and i dont function like other people. sorry for rambling

Liamcar1985

@suzylou I hope you are doing ok, when the time comes and your father passes away. 

First of all you will need to ring 999 if it happens at home, you would need to contacta funeral parlor who will help with the registration certificates funeral plot etc your fathers possessions will go to whats called probate for the reading of his will any family members etc cannot legally touch his belongings or take them before this. When the time does come maybe put a post up and I will try my best to help you i went through it very young burying my son i didnt have any support from services etc an myself and my partner had to do most of the things but the funeral directors helped us massively hope this comment helps and if you need to talk just press the @ button and type my name

Regards

Hannah_Alumni

@suzylou I'm going to pop and email over to you  

suzylou

Am not really doing ok Liamcar1985. i cannot bare the thought of my father passing away. I dont know about finding funeral parlour etc. Thanks for offer of help. i dont know or understand things what other people do. Being me is not a good place to be in. I cannot bare to be in ambulance with strangers see i have  a lot of difficulties. I was never made for this world. My community dont give a damn about me being asian of islamic heritage and im not religeous at all and dont act like them plus i have severe social anxiety so not able to cope with people. Am not good with technology so dont know how i would tallk to you. 

Liamcar1985

@suzielou just how you have replied to me now we can talk here dont worry i am awake most of day i get around 3-4 hours of sleep a night. With you being of Islamic heritage are you or you father part of a mosque i know you said you're not religious just wondering if you could ring the mosque for some support. Would a support worker be something you may be willing to try build up some form of relationship whilst your fathers alive. Again just thinking if theres some way of getting you involved with a support network now and now when he passes.

Im just a message away.

suzylou

@Liamcar1985 thanks for replying i dont want to take you away from your sunday activities. No we dont belong to a mosque they dont understand not helpful or accepting and mosques get crowded. We are more agnostic. I had a worker during the pandemic and when i asked for help with future if anything happens to my dad too deal with wills and funeral she said no just help with present and then she stopped contacting me and i was discharged from mental health services.  I even asked adult social services at the council and just referred back to mental health and discharged. 

Kimmy87

I appreciate that your faith is more agnostic than active, this may not matter if you reach out for help from an Imam?
Often in any religion a person's faith isn't measured and weighed up as to whether the imam/priest/vicar will assist those in need seeking help. 

suzylou

@Kimmy87 it is where the islamic religion is concerned they will curse me and call me non believer. You dont know them and islamic religion is very strict so that is not an option for me and they are not helpful or understanding.

Liamcar1985

Hi @Suzyl I've spoken with my mental health worker today she is of Islamic faith and said similar to what @Kimmy87 has said they should help anyone regardless of faith. Does your GP practice have an online portal that you can access to self refer back to counselling again not sure on what area you are in but where i am we have a self referral system on our gp practice system. 

The Key worker who used to come during lockdown do you know what company she works for just thinking maybe ring them and refer yourself back to them.

I didnt reply yesterday as didnt want to give incorrect information about a faith im not 100% on.

Take care im just a message away.

suzylou

Hi LiamCar1985. The worker i had for a few months was a nhs mental health team worker so not from a company and no i dont think i want to be referred back to mental health services in my area. They are no good and dont help with my specific needs. I have been upset by them and cosultant there many times. I even asked consultant if i could have a future care plan for when im an orphan but they were not interested and not wanting to help. I have had counselling before and it doesnt help with what i need and counseling doesnt help me. Im not good with technology so dont know what you mean by a portal at dr surgery. Thanks for listening. I know there is nothing for me available.

Liamcar1985

Basically a portal at your drs is ( i can log into my medical records at my gp surgery and refer myself to mental health pain management etc any nhs service is available) what phone do you currently have  im always here if you need to talk i can help as best i can an if i dont knkw the answer i will promise whilst im breathing i will get you your answer. Im presuming your over 18 as you've stated you are a joint owner of the house in previous comments. Im presuming because you are 18 or above they dont class you as an orphan i know with your struggles and mental health its hard ive been really bad this last week Saturday i sat at my sons grave for 8 hours crying debating if to end my life or not an again i lost it an had massive breakdown times are hard and the nhs is really struggling and majority of the time they dont listen but sometimes you will get someone who will listen for example sorting paperwork citizens advice are fantastic they will help over the phone you can go to them i had 2 advisers come to my home to help me. Would you consider going to a community health care group?

Takecare.xx

suzylou

Hi LiamCar1985 i just saw your message and had to respond . Am so sorry you were crying over your loved one. i dont have children but it must be so hard for you. My heart goes out to you. Do you get bereavement counselling? well it says in dad will that im an executor as noone else there. dont know what they do but dad says on insurance im named as joint owner. Im actually i think older then you but dont have adult like understanding of certain things.
I have been unlucky any organisation ive turned to have not helped in ways i needed to. Your lucky somoene came to your home to help you.
Please dont take your own life am a bit worried now even though i dont know you. am here if you need to talk.
SuzyLou

Liamcar1985

Thankyou im ok its just stressfull at times an currently being passed about by medical professionals so its stressful but thanks im the one thats being here for you 🤣. Im 38 if you can i would ring citizens advice and ask to speak to someone and get your dads estate signed over to you before he passes as you will maybe encur a hefty inheritance tax bill. If he signs it over now you donw get charged. Maybe speak to them about when time comes what help support you may need but when my son passed away in 2014 we didnt get any help atall no counselling no family liasions officer nothing me n my partner had to organise everthing ourselves. We was lucky as our funeral director helped massively sort the plot out helping with everything. Im still fighting for counselling i had a break down about 2016 an was given a counsellor when covid started i lost her and now jumping through hoops to get back i see 1 but shes my mental health jey worker not counsellor. I had a transplant last yr an left u able to walk so my mental health is rovk bottom lost my job everything spiralled out of control me n my partner are at breaking point we are deciding if to end the relationship shes a lovely person i love her with all my heart but shes struggling with her mental health, looking after the kids an me she has to bath clothe me even do my toiletry needs as im on a catheter an need daily enemas so its degrading and hard for her but enough of my problems im supposed to be helping you.x

suzylou

Hello Liamcar1985 sorry ive been quiet. You poured your heart out to me and 
u must have thought i dont care. You have been through a hard time in your life and you and your partner having to do things and she caring for you. 
I had a catheder put in when i had taken an overdose years back not nice.

i spoke to a recommended solicitor but i couldnt make head or tail of what he was saying especially when inheritance tax was mentioned and ended the call as i was confused and he didnt understand my confusion. i think inheritance tax depends on how much house is worth isnt it? why does things have to be complicated. i dont have an adult enough brain. The citizen advice is non existant in my area but i did email them 2 weeks ago but no reply. i did say i was unlucky with organisations.

i wish there was euthanasia for someone like me who has no hope in this world and struggles with everything and has difficulty maintaining friendships and navigating life and doesnt understand how things work. I just wish so much i wasnt here and i think everything has become much worse since the 
pandemic. No one wants to know if you have different problems from rest of the human race afterall there wont be a service created just for me as that requires money and effort and understanding which is sadly lacking these days. It seems to me its the survival of the fittest that can live and those that can master technology.

Anyway i have got 2 telephone numbers to ring so have to pluck up courage to ring one concerning benefits and the other adult care. i have just been sent links about death and basically left to get on with it even though i dont understand even if written in steps and dealing with strangers when time comes. Sorry for rambling. Hope your ok. have u sorted out your medical issues? not nice being passed around different medical people.
take care

SuzyLou x

Liamcar1985

@suzylou Awww dont worry about it im doing better thanks, at least you have made progress trying to ring people and getting steps in place its not going to be easy and you need to stay strong as ive said i will help as best i can if your father signs the house over to you so you are the only owner i believe it cuts out thw inheritance tax. If you type in google "mental health support workers in my area" it should bring them up in Manchester we have a service for mental health they helps with benefit forms etc and if you need to talk im here to help best i can dont talk like your not worth living its not nice ive been there i was there last week i was contemplating doing it on my birthday but i pulled myself together an took a step forward it. Take things easy an 1 step at a time.xx

Take care

suzylou

Hi glad your OK. So u r in Manchester.  I'm just outside London so I don't Manchester will help me. I talk like that because I only have my father in my life and he's the one who has known me all my life. I have hundreds of phobias and problems which is unsolvable. I do try what I can. Am sorry u felt suicidal on your birthday.  Glad u came out of it..Happy belated birthday wishes. Other people cannot cope with all my issues in person so that's why non existent. You said before u have kids. How many have u got? We don't just have to talk about me here u know.  Anyway take care x Suzylou

suzylou

@Liamcar1985 the above message was for u. I cannot live without my dad I would be lost without him take care 
Suzylou x

L_Volunteer

Just to let you both know @suzylou and @Liamcar1985 - we are all here for both of you. It sounds like both of you are going through a really difficult time at the moment

What might help things to feel more manageable for you at the moment? We are listening to you if you would like to share more with us or if there's anything else, more specifically, we can do to help.

There are also services like Samaritans, Papyrus, Shout, 999 and Cruse which are here for you both. These services can be particularly helpful if you feel you need immediate help, such as when you are feeling suicidal