Feeling guilty again.

JustJem

Hi, I know I've asked this several times on here and due to my autism and anxiety I repeat myself a lot due to wanting constant reassurance etc.

I have been on DLA since I was 7 to 21, and now claim PIP both enhanced and I also have claimed ESA since 2013, being in the support group since around 2016.

Have tried doing permitted work with ESA in June 2021 to August 2021, but it was too overwhelming due to it being busy and it mentally and physically drained me due to my autism and anxiety, I tried working another job last March but.. I only lasted 5 weeks, and I left.. I've only ever done volunteer work mostly and feel guilty that I'm not in paid employment.

My mum has said to me not to feel bad for being on benefits, as you did not choose to be in this position with my difficulties etc, but because I have an invisible disability, everyone that doesn't know me.. assumes that "I'm working" and "why am I not at work?" And I feel awful... and a burden.. and I'm not contributing to society or my life in general.

I have tried volunteering but I find it really hard to sustain anything, due to fear of failure etc so I quit automatically... I am trying to volunteer on Friday at a charity shop around the corner from where I live, as the manager is my old neighbour... but..  I just feel this guilt... and because I'm intelligent, my brain is contradicting itself alongside my conditions which frustrate me.

Please can someone advise me and reassure me, I feel so alone right now.

bg844

You have an PIP & ESA award because you have disabilities limiting you, there's nothing wrong by claiming these and if you wasn't eligible, you wouldn't be receiving them. I know you may feel as if others are 'judging' you but in reality, there's many other people who feel the same as you.

Disability benefits are not easy to claim and by having an award of both means that DWP accept and understand you have disabilities. If you are eager to volunteer, have you had a look at any online opportunities which may improve your Mental Health and boost your confidence a little? As I say, if you aren't able, don't push yourself towards burnout.

Good luck with everything and I hope you feel better soon

Jimm_Scope

Hi @JustJem, I understand why you feel that way. There's an idea that to contribute to today's society that you must work. That you must add "value" or you yourself have no "value".

That isn't true. Society has decided, through governance, that you deserve and are entitled to these benefits. They would not exist otherwise. 

You do not need to do physical work, especially if it causes you such distress.

If you want something to do have you considered looking via the things you enjoy? What are your hobbies or interests? 

2oldcodgers

Jimm_Scope said:

Hi @JustJem, I understand why you feel that way. There's an idea that to contribute to today's society that you must work. That you must add "value" or you yourself have no "value".

That isn't true. Society has decided, through governance, that you deserve and are entitled to these benefits. They would not exist otherwise. 

You do not need to do physical work, especially if it causes you such distress.

If you want something to do have you considered looking via the things you enjoy? What are your hobbies or interests? 

Sorry but I disagree
I have always felt that society 'expects' those that are are claiming sickness/disability benefits should do some work as a way of saying thanks for supporting me financially.
In my 50's, some 20 years ago, It was always impressed on me both by the medical profession as well as the government that work is always good for you despite my limitations.
At that time I had the Shaw Trust come on board to try to help me at the insistence of both my CPN and consultant. I happened to mention that I felt more comfortable around animals than I did round humans. I was told to report the following Monday morning at 8am at a farm some 25 miles away where I would work with other 'volunteers'.  I was given a spade, brush and wheelbarrow and shown what to do in cleaning out the piggery unit.
I was told that this was a 1 day a week placement. I worked from 8am to  6pm with 30 mins off for lunch.
This 1day a week then turned into a 2/3/4 days a week. I did get help with petrol costs.
After 2 years of this I had had enough and told them that I would not be coming back the following Monday.
Yes physically I became much fitter but I still hankered to be back in my chosen career behind a desk but obviously minus the stress factor.
So yes it was impressed on me that working was good especially if you are sick or disabled.
  

Jimm_Scope

I don't think I said anywhere that work was bad? I was just letting JustJem know that they deserve and are entitled to their benefits. They have tried to do physical/in-person work and that has just led them to become more stressed and feel worse about themselves.

There is plenty of good work they can do from home. I think I was perhaps too ambiguous with my initial comment. Parts of society seem to very loudly deem some types of work as superior to other types. Often more physical work, or highly paid as examples. In person rather than other forms of communication. But I can think of may examples that fit neither of those categories that is still very rewarding. And I was trying to let JustJem know that if in-person volunteering is distressing them they can look into other types of work and they should try to think less of what society may or may not judge.

woodbine

Nothing wrong at all with depending on benefits thats why we have a welfare state as a safety net for those for whatever reason are unable to work, my motto has been "health before wealth". I also have had an invisible condition for 25 years, although recently have another more visible one, if people don't like it thats their issue not yours.

JustJem

I truly appreciate everyone's input, the problem I have is trying to conform and worrying too much about what people think of me, especially strangers.. which is human nature however.. I am going to try and sustain volunteering with my friend for the time being and then once I've done that for a while, I'll see what my options are.. I jumped into the deep end with paid permitted work as I felt that I would be pleasing others, but at the result of my own anxiety and autism I got burnt out.

I should of done some volunteer work for a year or so, and work towards maybe something else in the future.. mainly on my own terms not what society seems to think is "okay".

JustJem

I've just found out that one of my dear friends from school passed away at the age of only 31, this has been a bit of a shock obviously..  but also has made me realise that I need to do what's best for me, and not care so much about what others think, I have a complex history with my mental health conditions and autism, and one day when I am more "stable" and well, I will help others in my position. That's the end goal.:)

chiarieds

I agree with all the comments above, apart from 2oldcodgers, who in his time here has been given lots of advice, but perhaps hasn't heard the words of the Dalai Lama, ''Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.'' This is what this forum is about to my mind, helping & supporting each other, trying to understand & show empathy. This is why I'm here, because this forum matters to me. No-one however needs negativity.

I think we'd all agree that 'sometimes,' & where possible, work can help, not just those with mental health problems, but those with physical problems too. But we have to be aware that even contemplating work will be a struggle for many. And work (or none) should not define a person. An interesting article here: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210409-why-we-define-ourselves-by-our-jobs

@JustJem - I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your dear friend, but such things as you say make you realise to evaluate your life, which is so precious, as all life is, & do what's best for you. You sound like a lovely person, & altho you may never know it, you may have helped another member here by your experience. I'm sure that you will continue to help other people in whichever way you can, when you can.

JustJem

I don't think anyone on the forum was trying to be mean in any way, I understand where 2oldcodgers is coming from, my main goal is to find a volunteer role that I am comfortable with and then gradually work my way from there,  the paid jobs that I did on permitted work were customer facing roles and in busy environments, and honestly in those circumstances I was truly out of my depth.. in the future I can see myself working in a small office with likeminded people, work from home or doing deliveries in the distant future if I ever pass my driving test... but thank you truly for everyone's input.

JustJem

The main reason also why I tried paid work in busy customer facing environments is because I was in an abusive relationship at the time, and well.. was cohersed into unsuitable paid permitted work by my ex partners parents.. and when you are autistic and have severe anxiety especially with loud noises and human beings in general, it was just going to be a disaster.. but regardless I did try.

I do think that one day working from home or in an office or with an employer who is understanding of my conditions would be most beneficial for me in the future, however I do have quite a few things to overcome personally and am determine to overcome it in good time.

Sorry for the long essays and thanks again for everyone's input.