Hello,

teegee

Hello, I am TeeGee, for this site of course. I am 58 and I think I have been living with autism all my life and did not know about it until I started questioning my behaviour and the fact that I just feel that I do not fit in, I do not belong to this world and don't seem able to relate to others, apart from my son, whom has been diagnosed with ASD at the age of 11. Anyway, I am waiting for an assessment for ADHD, as my brain seems to travel faster than my mouth, most of the time and at a speed that often does not allow to take anything to full completion, or to a high standard. 
I am glad to be here.
TG

Biblioklept

I was diagnosed as an adult with both ADHD and autism and could have written this myself back then. I never felt like I fit in growing up, my mind went a trillion miles a minute all the time and I just couldn't work out why I felt out of place in the world. Hope your assessment goes well! Do you think you'd persue an autism diagnosis or are you content with just knowing it yourself @teegee?  

Albus_Scope

Hey there @teegee and welcome to the community! How're you on this fine day? 

You're in good company here, we have a fair few ASD and ADHD diagnosed regulars, including myself!  I'm late diagnosed and I wish I could've been diagnosed much earlier in life. 

teegee

@Biblioklept. Hello. I think I am or one these neurodiverse types. I have refused treatment for depression over the years and have been diagnosed with IBS years ago. It might have started as such but I have always felt that it was more than IBS. 

Now awaiting for a colonoscopy for pribable crone. My experiences with docs had been horrific really. My son has been diagnosed with asd, though I think he had brain damage as he had difficulties breathing and sleeping apnea. Docs were too busy trying to confirm that I was a Victoria Climbié family related to hear me out, even after he had collapse under their noses, in the hospital. 

It was a nightmare to deal with them, my son’s illnesses and my health. 

I believe my daughter has gone through the net with ODD. Now36, she told she thinks she is awkward too. 

Anyway, I have complex PTSD, child abuse, bullying, Drs attitude, debating me having manchuser syndrome… But finally, I am being listening to, and after being refused DLA over the years (maybe 25), I was finally awarded it, but they refused my son because he was able to walk to the appointment. 

Well, I got tested for dyslexia and the result was negative, surprisingly to me, but I was given a diagnosed of anxiety…
It is either one or the other or both. If I get the ADHD, I would accept that as it will help forgiving myself my awkwardness and learn to see myself as special minded individual in a positive way. Right now I feel out of place, and maybe also an imposter… Long story.

Biblioklept

Imposter syndrome, I know alllllll about that! I swear I gaslit myself for years debating if it was all in my head and whether I actually was just weird or lazy or stupid and looking for an excuse.

But, you know what my autism assessor said to me? Neurotypical people don't question this stuff. If you're questioning it, it's highly likely you are. It's one of the reasons I'm such a strong advocate of self diagnosis now. It's such a battle to get diagnosed or taken seriously, and many people never will be formally diagnosed which just sucks. 
If you're female, or well behaved, or anxious, or have any history of abuse or mental health, or highly intelligent, you don't automatically fit into their diagnostic criteria and it makes it so much easier for them to dismiss concerns. 

You know yourself better than anyone else.  

teegee

@Biblioklept Hello, I am so glad to read you. Somehow, I relate so much to what you are saying.

Imposter syndrome, I know alllllll about that! I swear I gaslit myself for years debating if it was all in my head and whether I actually was just weird or lazy or stupid and looking for an excuse.

Oh my God. That is exactly what I have been doing for years. I often wondered if it was me or if the situation is real or...if I am simply mad. I mean that had made me so depressed. 
I used to read autobiography to learn how to react to situation other than my usual way. But then my usual way was never the same, depending on the day, whether I was due on, whether someone had upset me before...completely unpredictable... I can be honest here. 
I mean I never kept to a job for more than two years, thinking that people would see through me and know that I am an imposter, even though I was quite good at my job, and earning good and also being offered even more pay... After leaving the job that I have enjoyed for 'so long', having been praised... I would become depressed for being so stupid, an idiot in fact, and that over and over again. 
But, you know what my autism assessor said to me? Neurotypical people don't question this stuff.  If you're questioning it, it's highly likely you are. It's one of the reasons I'm such a strong advocate of self diagnosis now. It's such a battle to get diagnosed or taken seriously, and many people never will be formally diagnosed which just sucks. Really! An ancient colleague of mine, whom is also neurodiverse, told me that she thinks that I am on the spectrum. This has crossed my mind at one point. I mentioned that to my GP and she nearly laughed, seeing me more like someone that looks for illnesses everywhere in herself. No, I just want to understand me...I feel so awkward when I try to fit in, or to understand other's reactions and behaviour. I mean I had to read books to know how to. 

If you're female, or well behaved, or anxious, or have any history of abuse or mental health, or highly intelligent, you don't automatically fit into their diagnostic criteria and it makes it so much easier for them to dismiss concerns. THAT IS SO TRUE!
Oh dear me!
I could go on and on. Like I came to a stage when I did not know who I was no more. I felt like a failure and the sense of rejection, misunderstanding, and unable to forgive myself for things I could not comprehend.

Thinking of it, I did have a schema as a child. I used to squeeze my cheek or other people arms when the surface is cold. I still do it sometimes with my face. My mother did asked me why I do that once. Yesterday, I just screamed out of the blue,,,no specific reason really, just that it felt good.

Really, I started questioning this possibility when I had to deal with my son....because I could and can understand him so well, and his girlfriend too.

Thank you

teegee

@Albus_Scope Hello Albus.
Thank you very much for your welcoming. 
I'm late diagnosed and I wish I could've been diagnosed much earlier in life. 
I am most upset by the docs for not paying attention to what I was saying and describing. The diagnosis is one thing but the luck of attention was worse. I felt isolated, humiliated at time, undermined, judged... and a burden to many. That brought me to suicidal thoughts a lot of time; but the love for my children and the shame I could bring to them kept me going. I still don't have a diagnostic but now I feel like I have ADHD and can accept the possibility of being on the spectrum. What others think do not matter to me no more. I tried to fit in so much that now I do not care... I am being me, most importantly I am accepting me...Can be difficult at time but I know so the rest is just details.
Thank you for your warm welcoming.
TeeGee

Biblioklept

Everything you've said is exactly why I encourage people to get a diagnosis!

People worry about labels and labelling their kids or themselves but as I've seen others say, undiagnosed people with ASD or ADHD have already got labels, especially ones they've given themselves. Stupid. Weird. Lazy. Failure. 
Understanding why you feel so different is so important else it eats at self esteem. 

I'm so happy you're accepting yourself and that your son has you  

Albus_Scope

Heya @teegee I'm glad you're being yourself now.  I know masking can be so tiring after doing it for so long, so letting the real you out can not only be freeing, but it can really help with energy levels and mood.  Something I've only learned in the past year. 

And as @Biblioklept has said, understanding is so so important!  Even without an official diagnosis, you can still start the journey of discovery and self love.

teegee

@Albus_Scope Thank you. Much appreciated.
TG

teegee

@Biblioklept
People worry about labels and labelling their kids or themselves but as I've seen others say, undiagnosed people with ASD or ADHD have already got labels, especially ones they've given themselves. Stupid. Weird. Lazy. Failure. 
I do hope that there are more people reading this post because I came across people arguing the labelling or not wanting their children to be seen by professional because of the label that might be attached to the finding. Labelling is what helped me help my son. I did the research about that label, I observed him and I put things into place to help him out in his learning journey at school. That because, school did nothing apart from getting the money and using it for other children or other reasons than my own son. School gave up on him saying that he will mount to nothing because of his reading/writing difficulties and introvert attitude. Schools concentrated more on those that disturbed the class and used my son as a good example for behavior while the boy was struggling with tremendous anxiety of not being a good boy. That was his predominant fear.
Years later, and with only my help and support, I will not deny that, he went to university, did his level 5 in his subject and ended up with a great job where he did his level 3. So, labelling for me is the starting point to problem solve issues relating to the diagnosis.
Today, my son says "I will not be me without you, mum. Thank you".
NB: I will write anything to inspire others. Never give up is my motto.
TG