Why can some people make friends/relationships but others can't?

66Mustang

I know of lots of people who are, it could be argued, not good people for whatever reasons ... abusive, rude and aggressive, on the wrong side of the law, or just immoral, but they have lots of friends and even seem to find relationships.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I think I am a half decent person with some good morals, who treats people respectfully (as long as they do the same to me), yet I can't seem to make friends or find a relationship (not that I'm read for the latter yet).

Does anyone ever wonder how come certain people can make friends or even have relationships when they themselves don't seem to be able to?

I could write more but I didn't want to write too much to keep the conversation open.

Looking forward to hearing peoples' thoughts.

Jimm_Scope

While I think generalisations can sometimes be unhelpful or counter-productive I do think people tend to be either introverted or extroverted. You either spend energy being around other people or you gain energy from being around other people. I happen to be the former. I've also struggled to maintain friendships unless I happen to meet the person regularly as part of a routine (school or work).

I think that is possibly an effect of my ADHD, I tend to struggle to think of things that aren't present or urgent. I did recently get back in touch with old school friends (I didn't have many to be fair) that I'd lost contact with for nearly 10 years, it was nice seeing them. I was surprised how easy it was to talk to them still, even after 10 years apart.

When it comes to making friends I'm not really sure I can give advice, I'm almost as bad at it as I am at maintaining friends. I think however, it does require putting yourself in social situations. Whether online, such as here, or in person, you just need to find a group or community with a common interest that vibes with you.

Rosie_Scope

That's a really interesting question, @66Mustang

I do wonder about this sometimes, there's lots of lovely people who struggle with friendships and I think it comes down to a whole host of factors including social skills, opportunities, life circumstances, disability aspects and just plain luck. It's hard not to compare yourself with other people who seem to be doing better than you, but it's complicated!

One thing to keep in mind when viewing other people from the outside is that if they've grown up in an environment where their relationships are abusive, criminal or immoral activity is normal, and communication styles are aggressive, sometimes they wouldn't necessarily find that a barrier to making friends with other people with those traits. It's not always the case, but that kind of environment might feel familiar to them, so they disregard the negative aspects of it and focus on the person's other positive traits, like loyalty or sense of humour.

That doesn't mean that their relationships are positive ones though, just might be a partial explanation for what you've seen in other people  

66Mustang

@Jimm_Scope and @Rosie_Scope thank you for the great responses.  

I didn't think I was comparing myself but I guess I was, was also feeling a bit jealous (which is another unhealthy thing to do so I have heard).

I guess it is a good explanation, that someone who is, for example, aggressive, would form relationships with other people who are aggressive? If that is the case perhaps I am wrong to be jealous of their relationships, because, would I want to be friends with somebody like that anyway?

That's nice that you met up with a friend from 10 years ago, Jimm, I did similar by emailing a couple of friends I hadn't spoken to for about 8 months and like you say it was easy to get the conversation going again quite quickly.

One thing I would say with going to groups of likeminded people is I find my hobbies seem to attract people who are rather different to me (which perhaps is interesting in itself). As you say generalising is not always helpful but just as an example I have been to a few different car shows and I tend to find that people who like cars are often quite macho/outgoing/confident which is the opposite of me!!

One place I have noticed I do like the atmosphere of, but it's not really a place to meet up, is the Apple Store -- as I find they attract all sorts of people from all walks of life. I think they seem to make a bit of an effort to employ all different types of character.

THE_DUDE

I had many friends when I was 16-25 but I just stopped contacting them when my anxiety worsened. 

Wish I could stay in contact but I just can't. I honestly don't like being alone but can't help it.

66Mustang

THE_DUDE said:

I honestly don't like being alone but can't help it.

Yeah exactly the same here, that said I have a couple of "in real life" friends but haven't met them in person since pre Covid, I have managed to contact them via email but not been able to meet up

Gnu89 said:

It's hard going out and seeing couples holding hands or groups of friends having fun while I'm stuck in my bubble.

I used to be the same but seem to not let it bother me so much now, stuff like seeing people go to university, get jobs, or have friendships or relationships really would make me depressed, just seeing one thing like you say like some people holding hands would send me into a spiral for the rest of the day

I am ashamed to say I used to have a dark perspective on life, if I heard that someone had failed at university or their romantic relationship took a downturn it would make me really happy, almost like some dark justice had been done

Rosie_Scope

It's true about right place and right time. There's no easy answers to any of it and it's hard seeing everyone else moving on and seemingly having a good time when you feel stuck.

Social media can make it worse I think. We're constantly fed information about what people are doing with their lives and how great things are going for them, but not seeing the real picture a lot of the time. 

I've been in a similar place to you @66Mustang, one of my main hobbies when I was younger was performing arts and theatre. I'm definitely more on the introverted side of things, so finding people who shared my interests but weren't too loud and boisterous for me was a challenge. Interesting that you mentioned the Apple store, I hadn't thought about it like that but you're right, it's a good mix of people!

Biblioklept

I think about this a lot (like most things!) 

I think those that are more reserved or find small talk difficult find it harder to make friends. It's much harder to put yourself out there, if that makes sense? I think we also tend to overthink and overcomplicate what it can mean to be friends and labelling it. 
For example, my sister started a new job a week ago and went on a night out with some of her colleagues and already refers to them as 'mates'. To me a friend is more than a person you've been out with one night. I'm often looking for those big connections you see on TV or read about in books etc. 
I guess I'm not as open to friends as others are in that respect. 

On the flip side there are a number of people I've 'met' online, that I very much would consider good friends and we've never met in person.
I guess what I'm saying is that I find it hard to define what a friend is, and that over-thinking of how to categorise people or whether we're friends is possibly part of the issue.

There's also the maintaining friendships aspect. I'd love more friends, but I know I can come across very strong and get attached to people very quickly and that can be off-putting. I also struggle with keeping up contact and can go for days without replying to messages and find it draining, and then feel unable to.

Also, as a person that rarely leaves the house and no longer works, I find I often don't have anything to say for myself. Other people talk about their partner, work, adventures and my life doesn't look like that. Making it harder to connect. 

Jimm_Scope

As a terminally online person I have had more friends online than in-person since I was a young teen. To me there isn't much difference now. I agree that being in-person with people is a better experience, but I have been just as close to online-only friends as I have been to in real life friends. Trusted them just as much and shared with them just as much, if not more sometimes ha. I find it easier to talk about things online much of the time, especially concerning myself.

chiarieds

Looking at others, as with many things, doesn't mean you can see any 'value' in their friendships whether you consider them like yourself, or not so good. How can you know the depth of any friendship; is it just 'skin deep?'

I identify with much that has been said here, tho I remember a student friend saying to me, 'I wish I was as confident as you.' This might be the persona they saw, but it definitely wasn't me.

My now ex didn't want me to meet up with former student friends, tho I admit I was apprehensive anyway.....were they more 'successful' than I (tho I had been very quickly promoted in my career), but I'd stopped to raise my family?

I later had a lovely friend, but when she moved a bare half mile away, my now ex wouldn't take me to see her; my daughter got in touch with her a couple of years ago, & has met her, tho she only knew her as a very young child. It seems I lack confidence in doing the same.

I find Jimm's comment about 'energy' an interesting concept, but also had someone I considered a friend to be an 'emotional vampire' in the end, & I couldn't cope with that. I would postulate that a friend is someone in whom you find a balance of energy, neither taking yours away, nor giving it to you.

My best friend now is someone I met a long time ago; we certainly do share the same values, & some interests, but I find it easier talking to him twice a week on the phone rather than meeting him in person! He makes me think that our shared values are perhaps more important than our interests.

Someone from this community, as some of you will know, has indeed become a dear friend, & we've met several times, as well as phoning each other every couple of weeks; there's that balance of energy there. It also importantly comes down to a feeling of trust in each other.

I'm not one for small talk either, & would likely meet with boredom if talking about my interests, which I could do nineteen to the dozen.

My ex famously prophesied that our son would never meet anyone when working part time in retail having given up on Uni after his 2nd year, as it wasn't going in the direction he'd thought. He met his now wife there, who'd also given up after her 2nd year at Uni. He said it was the first person he'd met who actually understood some of the words he used (I might have influenced him on the importance of vocabulary). They have an amazing relationship; like myself he's happier in a quiet environment, yet they spark off each other, & importantly are so happy. He still works in retail; his Dad still keeps on saying he could do so much better, but he's also happy in his job.

Friendships, & relationships, in hindsight, I'd definitely say are complex, & may happen when you least expect them.

OverlyAnxious

Being a good person is boring...  How many films have you seen where a good person leads a totally law abiding life for 90 minutes? 

People want to be intrigued, excited, thrilled, etc...most of the things that create those emotions are either unhealthy, immoral, or illegal!

I don't think 'finding' friends is particularly difficult if you can access situations with other people in them.  The key is quantity though, you can't just expect to find a friend by meeting one person now and then.  But I find keeping them difficult as I'm generally a very boring person.  I don't have anything interesting to talk about.  I've never been a drinker - which seems to be one of the best ways to connect with people.  And I have no interest in s*x, which I think a lot of people our age are looking to progress to.

I often try to think of conversations I could have with other people, either that I haven't seen for a while or even people from off the TV, when I can't sleep at night (sure I'm not the only one lol!) but I genuinely can't think of anything now.  I can provide facts as answers to direct questions.  But can't converse in the way that others seem to manage.

Stellar

66Mustang said:

Does anyone ever wonder how come certain people can make friends or even have relationships when they themselves don't seem to be able to?

a lot of it comes down to:
people who have friends/relationships have no adverse trauma affecting them, whether historically or in the present (usually unhealed). in other words, mentally healthy people.

people who don't have friends/relationships often are fighting adverse trauma (or don't even realise it) and unknwoingly eminating red flags to mentally healthy people to stay away. 

it's very difficult and the only way to fight this is to heal your trauma as much as possible.

Albus_Scope

I'm not so sure about that.  Some of the funniest and friendliest people I know have suffered major traumas in their lives and have plenty of friends. 

Bettahm

I have no friends and I've never had a relationship or wanted one either. 
As for the friends bit couldnt say I really know why. I'm on the inside looking out. They're out there looking at me, so...
I'm a loner and I'm happy that way, like to keep people at arms length, or further.

Stellar

While i have lots of (mostly online) friends, i don't have a relationship because of cptsd and my need to leave the UK due to said cptsd.

additionally, given how most british people are extremely closed minded with regards to living abroad, they see red flags when they chat with people like me who want to move abroad with a romantic partner in the future.

this is before the fact most people only want **** buddies and nothing serious. and will just ghost instead of this absolutely incredible thing called basic communication.

so i've given up.

Jimm_Scope

I've often been told that I can seem confident in certain social settings. It's usually when my goal is clear and the situation is incredibly low stakes however. I'm still a bit of a wreck underneath. 

When it comes to something like say, a family gathering, it gets tiring enough that I have an agreement with my parents about being able to retire to a bedroom/separate space for 30-60 minutes to just have a break from it all.

I think I agree strongly with chiarieds comment about "balanced energy". Me and my partner are both introverts, so if my statement about introverts needing to use up energy being around others was true we'd both get tired of each other. But we rarely ever do, so I guess that's "balanced energy" in a way? You're comfortable enough that you aren't expending any extra energy dealing with the worry and anxieties that can come with socialising.

Autism_at_40

I have no friends either.. 
I feel like my Autism gets in the way.
I did have friends, before I was diagnosed and then when I told them about my diagnosis, they dropped off, one by one.. which proves to me that they weren't really friends in the first place.  But it's those types of people who seem to have a lot of friends.

i think their connections are not as strong though, from what I have observed. 

I am all about meaningful connections, so I feel like maybe I put too much on people, or I tolerate less sh from people and then it has a knock on effect.. 

I don't know.. life is strange..

WhatThe

Good friendships/healthy relationships hmmm..

I didn't know I was in a dysfunctional family as that was all I'd ever known! There was no extended family around and we moved a lot including abroad so I wasn't able to form lasting bonds with anyone. My sister never wanted to play with me or share, pretended not to know me at school and still wants nothing to do with me. At 61, I have to accept this not likely to change now and that our parents doubtless had a hand in this. 
 
Only at secondary school did I notice my closest friends withdraw from me and that was very painful. I pursued romantic relationships to avoid feeling lonely but my deep, deep insecurity inevitably led to disappointment and heartbreak. 

I imagine I will spend my final years alone, with few friends. My (very late) autism diagnosis put all my struggles into perspective and I've managed to let go of envy of other people's successes. 

WhatThe

So um any tips for someone like me with poor social skills?

I'm not getting many responses or likes on this forum and feel I've overshared and want to delete some posts. Jimm, please advise by email, in the new year obviously. 

I'm also still on the naughty seat waiting for Scope's very extended second review so I feel overlooked and unwanted after having to nudge for the outcome of the first review some time ago now.. 

How do the rest of you achieve what I obviously can't?   
Thanks!

Autism_at_40

I had a late Autism diagnosis too.  It makes everything so much more difficult doesn't it?

I struggle with people too.  I have no friends in real life, I don't speak to any of my family either.

I have 1 internet friend, but he isn't around much.  I just struggle in general with people.  I feel like most people don't understand me and I get misunderstood by my words and actions too.  I have felt like giving up many times.

I have started to read this book called Unmasking Autism and hope that it will give me some tips on how to cope with my Autism and undo all the damage done from decades of masking.

I'm also trying to better myself, I want to try and heal from my rejection issues, abandonment issues, childhood trauma, social anxieties etc.. it's hard, but I feel that if I put the work in and understand myself, be happier in myself, that I will attract the right people into my life.

I don't know what you are referring to when it comes to scope's review.

WhatThe

I can't control which draft or edit will appear or when so I don't feel connected, no. Trying to join in the sprout game was upsetting. A sprout game upset me!