Some advice needed

JohnLFC

Right, first off this is going to be a long post but I will try and keep it to the facts not and not ramble on

I am a caregiver for a family member and do not have a lot of free time while also have anxiety and depression and fibromyalgia, I met someone while I was running an online game a number of years ago and she joined up, we became close friends (online) talking every day a lot a number of years ago and we fell out and did not talk for maybe 4 years but started talking again a few months ago, She knows I had always had feelings and cared deeply but we had gone our separate ways until a few months ago

When we started talking I knew she had a boyfriend now and lived with him, but also she had told me a lot of things and she wanted away from him

Some of these things are

He had assaulted her in a sexual nature and had been to prison for this

He sent certain things to her young sister which he has been spoken to by the police about

She suffers from mental health and he will laugh if she harms

She had been pressured into doing things on only fans to earn money

She has no money to leave and does not want some of the abuse to come out to her family, so pretends everything is fine

There have been some posts online (Facebook) about her from people with negative comments which became popular 

She has panic attacks leaving the house

I have stayed up a few times all night although at the time I was waking up at 5am to start caregiving for a family member but would stay up talking when she wanted to harm

She had ideas of starting her own online business to earn money rather than this only fans stuff but had no real understanding of how to start an online business but I do, that is what I do for work deal in that sector of websites and internet services and started to stay up nearly every night until around 2/3am to talk with her, research stuff for the business because she stays up all night and sleeps most of the day

The person I give care to went into hospital for a long time (a few months) but I visited every day which I find stressful because of my own mental health issues but still stayed up helping her

I paid a web developer I know to create her online store, got packaging for her items designed, and logo made and even run the website myself on my own services (for free) to help keep her startup costs as low as possible.

She also told me she had been trying for over 2 years to get leaked images from only fans removed from Google and other websites but could not because Google see it as if it has been placed on only fans it is not leaked as such, it would be different if for example your email was hacked and images stolen they would remove these right away. These leaked images showed her face too making it easy to identify it was her, I worked on this and found a loophole in Google and other website policies and got these removed for her.

The guy she lives with said they need money his wages are not enough for everything, and told her to do only fans again, I told her if she does I can't be around her ever, and she told me if I really love her I would not want to see her homeless and would understand she needs to do it, but now the website has recently opened and she has started to get a few orders, the guy she lives with is helping her, such as because she cannot leave the house goes and buys stuff at the shops for her ect.

I funded the entire website creation from contacts I have from working online.

She says they are close but do not sleep together, one minute she is messaging me saying love you, she is leaving my messages on Read or just ignores my message and will message about something unrelated to what she wants

She has said she wants to be with me, I am starting to struggle with her, and I have had a lot of stress and upset regarding family issues I have been given new medication to start in the next few days to help with my depression and fibromyalgia. I find myself feeling ultra depressed and wanting to do very low-mood things, she will come and go, If I walk away now I will hate myself, and feel so depressed but if I do walk away essentially I would not want to be running her website for her anymore either because even when she is not messaging me if she needs something for the website she will message me not giving a sh.. how she is making me feel with this, when she is being nice, caring and shows she cares I feel a lot different mentally, I will feel energized, be able to tackle any issue personal or business, but when she starts these games I go into deep depression and cannot focus on a thing.

woodbine

Are you getting any help from your GP with your MH problems?

JohnLFC

woodbine said:

Are you getting any help from your GP with your MH problems?

Yea, they have just issued new medication that I am due to start tomorrow

Adrian_Scope

Hi @JohnLFC,
It sounds like a really difficult situation. Do you know how much support (if any) she gets with her mental health? 

What's going on sounds very complex and it's hard to provide any sort of suggestions as to her options, especially as a third-party, so I wonder if she's ever spoken to Refuge or used the National DA Helpline? She can always speak to them through their online chat service if she's scared about confidentiality.

Given your day-to-day responsibilities as a carer and then the additional burden of what sounds like a very emotionally draining online relationship, it's completely understandable that this would take a lot out of you.

While I'm very glad you're getting some support from your GP, I would strongly encourage you to think about what you can do to make this whole situation sustainable and manageable in the long-term. It doesn't sound like being so heavily involved in her life not only from an emotional standpoint but an economic one is really working for you.

JohnLFC

Adrian_Scope said:

Hi @JohnLFC,
It sounds like a really difficult situation. Do you know how much support (if any) she gets with her mental health? 

What's going on sounds very complex and it's hard to provide any sort of suggestions as to her options, especially as a third-party, so I wonder if she's ever spoken to Refuge or used the National DA Helpline? She can always speak to them through their online chat service if she's scared about confidentiality.

Given your day-to-day responsibilities as a carer and then the additional burden of what sounds like a very emotionally draining online relationship, it's completely understandable that this would take a lot out of you.

While I'm very glad you're getting some support from your GP, I would strongly encourage you to think about what you can do to make this whole situation sustainable and manageable in the long-term. It doesn't sound like being so heavily involved in her life not only from an emotional standpoint but an economic one is really working for you.

It seems one minute she wants to be away from this guy, next she is will say they are close.

Then she will say he is doing stuff like being absuive, smashed cat toys, smushed cat food into the carpet all silly little things

When she feels low with her mental health he laughs about her self harm. She pushes a lot of the blame to me saying I am distant if i dont reply to messages for a while (few hours if i have gone to sleep early) or if she has decided to stay up all night again and im not around.

She was having phone appointments but stopped them, she said stopped the medication because it made her feel ill

We are currently very distant compared to around 8 weeks ago, she wants my advice on her businesses and the ideas (i see gaps or have unique ideas that most other people have not seen until i show them) its how i got my own business started

she messaged me this morning asking how i was then we swapped about 4 messages on a personal note then it changed to her business and what she is working on.

i feel lost with her and the fact my dad is going into the nursing home this week im finding that very emotional to come to terms with.

Hannah_Alumni

@JohnLFC I am so sorry you feel lost. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need support

I know this may be difficult to hear, but I do think you have a lot going on and you do need to prioritise yourself. There are some great organisations like SHOUT who are a 24/7 mental health texting service. They would be a great support alongside your GP. 

I know you have your caring duties and father with going into the nursing home. Do you have anyone else around to support with that?

I do agree with Adrian to think about what you can do to make this whole situation sustainable and manageable in the long-term. With your answer above where you said;

she messaged me this morning asking how i was then we swapped about 4 messages on a personal note then it changed to her business and what she is working on.

There are services out there that can help support her with her business. Even her local job centre. I think that could help you with supporting her but also taking some time back for yourself. 

Your post reminded me of a concept called love languages that went viral on TikTok last year. It was brought up by author Gary Chapman who said there are 5 love languages that describes how we receive love from others.
They are;

• Words of Affirmation - Saying supportive things to your partner
• Acts of Service - Doing helpful things for your partner
• Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them
• Quality Time - Spending meaningful time with your partner
• Physical Touch - Being close to and caressed by your partner

Each of us differs and by learning to give love in the way our partner can best receive it, we can create stronger relationships. May be something to think about? 

JaneCowell

People in domestic abuse relationships need to want help before anything can happen. You can advise her what to do but ultimately it is up to her. DA is awful and difficult to understand unless you've been through it. She seems to have some freedom if she can message you/she isn't frightened to do so.

The situation sounds toxic and nothing good can come from this for yourself and your family. I don't mean to be judging but it seems like she is using you for her own gain.

I would block her out of your life and focus on looking after your family and most importantly your own wellbeing. In the future you will look back on all of this with disbelief that you were involved.

Autism_at_40

Sounds like an awful situation.

I have a slightly similar situation, when I have helped this guy out (we were seeing each other, then he said he didn't know what he wants - but says he's not saying no to anything), I spent a lot of time and effort on something he wanted last weekend and now he is ghosting me...

I want to help him, I have feelings for him, but at the same time, I don't think I should be treated with such little respect.  Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to step away from the situation.  That's what all the relationship experts say anyway...

I know what you mean about how it makes you feel to have the contact, I am the same, he only has to send me one message and I'm on top of the moon, energises me etc.. but I think that's the issue.  We need to find that in ourselves first.. once we can be happy inside and not outside of ourselves, then we are automatically more attractive to people and will attract the right people in our lives.  It's also about setting boundaries and not allowing people to treat you like sh.. The more you give, the more they will take.

I know that probably doesn't help you - if I told myself that right now, I would probably ignore me - but I hope it helps somehow...