Immaturity

66Mustang

A question for those who have missed out on certain aspects of life because of their disability.

Do you feel or worry that you may be have a certain level of immaturity due to the fact that you have had less life experience than others your age?

As an example, I stopped socialising when I got very unwell and dropped out of school, and have had very little practise since, so despite being 30 I feel I still have the social skills of a 15 year old.

Another perhaps more obvious example is work, I have never worked so if I started work I would have the work experience of someone fresh out of school despite being 30.

I still find things like farting funny (though I do understand and appreciate more sophisticated comedy as well, satire etc.); I don’t like people taking themselves too seriously; enjoy computer games (though I am aware lots of adults do these days)...

That said, in some areas of life I am perhaps more mature than a 30 year old. My parents say I have a lot of manners despite lacking social confidence; they also tell me that a lot of my commentaries on life are things that usually only someone a lot older would notice.

Does anyone have any comments or experiences of their own?

woodbine

One of the things I was brought up with is that "manners taketh man"

66Mustang

@woodbine sorry not sure what you mean, apologies if being a bit simple

did you mean to type "manners maketh man" which I guess means "manners makes a man", rather than "takes"? That would be quite a good saying and sort of makes sense

Sorry don't usually like to pick people up on spelling but that 1 letter would make all the difference to the meaning ha ha

Again sorry if I am being dim  

Rosie_Scope

I can definitely relate to this @66Mustang! I became ill aged 11 and missed out on my entire secondary school education and teenage life. In some ways I had to grow up very quickly, but I missed out on so much of the social development that happens around that time.

Despite having better times on and off since, I still feel the impact of that now when I'm around other adults. Back when I was first able to properly get out and about again aged about 19, it did feel like living in one of those body-swapping films where a child has to live in an adult's body and nobody can know! And I suppose that feeling is still there in certain situations even now.

I find it hard when people take themselves too seriously too, I have quite a childish and surreal sense of humour and prefer the company of people who are similarly a bit less serious. I don't know how much of that comes from my experiences and how much is just my natural personality, though! 

On the other hand, I enjoy activities and hobbies that would be more associated with people who are older than me, I'm very comfortable talking with older or elderly people, and I can handle situations that some people my age wouldn't be able to. So it's a weird one, but I definitely understand some of the feeling of having less life experience than others might have had. 

66Mustang

Just looked it up and it was indeed "maketh" and a well known saying - sorry if I caused offence by questioning your post woodbine as I do know you suffer with sight issues.

66Mustang

@Rosie_Scope thanks for the comments, I could have written most of that myself. I think having health problems perhaps causes us to mature more quickly in certain ways as well as miss out on other aspects of maturing.

Rosie_Scope

Yes I think so too, @66Mustang! I'm sure there's a lot of value in the things we've lived through too, but it is strange to live with so many gaps of the more 'typical' life experiences. 

Jimm_Scope

I was always told that I was very mature for my age for much of my childhood. I'm not really sure why. I was very into certain subjects, maths, physics, history as examples, that I could talk in-depth about. I guess because I knew a lot about very specific subjects that somehow made me seem more mature? Not really sure. Maybe it's something to do with my ADHD.

I've always been very silly at heart though. It usually only really shows itself to people I'm very close with such as my partners. Though I can often be tongue-in-cheek with friends, just not the same level of silliness.

Maybe I'm worried about others judging me for being very silly? Or people mistaking when I am being silly and when I am being serious, a mistake that could cause problems either way. If I'm being silly but they take me seriously or if I'm being serious but they think I'm just being silly.

66Mustang

@Rosie_Scope

One thing that worries me is making friendships and also further down the line if I was to have a relationship as I have very limited experience of being someone's friend and zero experience of being someone's partner. It makes me wonder if I would make a poor friend/partner? Unless perhaps I found people who were in similar situations to myself?

Funnily enough though I am seen as the philosophical one in our family and people often come to me for an opinion as I am usually quite balanced...I have been asked a few times for relationship advice despite having no experience and later had feedback that my advice was spot on.  

Jimm_Scope

There are plenty of people who have been in relationships and are not good partners, and plenty of people who have never been in a relationship and make great partners.

The most important thing in my opinion is communication and empathy, which you have Mustang. There are indeed things you experience and learn by actually being in a relationship. But in my humble opinion, the most vital things you already have. 

In my experience I have found disabled people, tend to be, more empathetic I think. We have, or had, struggles. We have experience of struggle and dealing with so much at once. My thought has kind of ended here abruptly, I'm sure I'll think on it more.

66Mustang

@Jimm_Scope

I think you bring up some good points there.

I know a quite few people who are serious most of the time but can be very "silly" with people they are close to. I don't think that's uncommon actually, if my family group is typical of society as a whole.

I guess it shows you are comfortable with that person that you are able to let your guard down a little bit?

66Mustang

Thanks @Jimm_Scope for your last post, sorry I must have been typing as you posted it. I hadn't actually considered from that point of view, will have to think over that for a while, but you have sort of dispelled some of my negative thoughts.

OverlyAnxious

I was very mature when younger...  Though that could also be read as 'boring & fearful' in hindsight.  Oddly it was seen as a positive thing by older relatives at the time.

I would say I'm much less mature now than I was then, and definitely less mature than others my age.  I still feel somewhere around 20ish.  Yet see a scrawny, balding old man when I look in the mirror!  I don't have the social skills to keep up with people my own age.  I don't really get on with older people.  And know I must look really old to people who are genuinely in their early 20's.  So where do I fit now?  Nowhere as far as I can tell...

A moot point while I'm stuck at home of course.  But I have genuinely lost any idea of what social activity I could actually manage, and with who, even if I could start to go out again.

WhatThe

Yes 66Mustang!
 
I was very immature at secondary school though I believed otherwise of course. Everyone else stopped fooling around and applied themselves in lessons but I wasn't academic and got left behind. My sister in the year above was a high achiever (a swot!) so the same had been expected of me. 

On the other hand, I remember feeling empathy from the age of 5/6 which sounds quite advanced to me now. I was incredibly shy but kind, sweet and funny. Wasn't that enough for the world?? Clearly not 

The jobs I earned money from were in hospitality, retail, market research - all customer service work despite my poor social skills in personal relationships. Just yesterday I learned of autism/articulate types and I plan to read about this. Anyone else heard of it? 

The more we learn, the less we know   

 

66Mustang

@OverlyAnxious I was quite similar as a child, always wary, my brother was given restrictions by my parents which I didn't have because they knew I would impose those same restrictions on myself anyway... e.g. not playing out too far from home. Brother was given a border he couldn't cross...I could go as far as I wanted as parents knew I wouldn't go far.

You seem socially mature online but I know that's totally different to real life as you can take 3 hours to think about what you are going to say when in person you have to think of a reply instantaneously...


@whatthe I never understood that if one child did well at school the others were expected to follow? ... I don't even think doing well correlates with real life success ... I was in the top 1% at school and have achieved very little materialistically...brother was not academic at all - scraped the universally expected 5 GCSE C grades by the skin of his teeth, is now a tree surgeon could easily earn £30-40k a year but is taking it easy doing gardening for £25k as he has other stresses going on

Biblioklept

I haven't read all the posts and will definitely come back to this but I just needed to add that.. 100000% this!!! 

I feel like I basically lost my entire 20s. I did nothing and went no where. I had no life experience and I worry that impacts who I am as a person. 

Scrolling through I saw a few people mention being 'mature' when they were young and now feel immature and that's so me too! I think it's really common particularly in autistic people (not diagnosing anyone !!) but I was forever told I was 'old before my time', or had a 'mature head on my shoulders'. I think because my language was more grown up and sophisticated, I was hesitant and anxious and I guess a bit boring and adults saw that as mature. 

And now I'm the opposite and think I am far too silly for my age. BUT!!! I don't really care. I mean I find it hard to relate to people of my age because my life is so different and I have no "stories" of my life to tell and I do worry about that. But also, life is for living, and being silly and enjoying yourself. 
I'm far more reserved in real life than I am online but I actually feel like this online version of me is more ME just without the barrier of fear. 

WhatThe

66Mustang, 

But I did not scrape the universally expected 5 'O' levels, as they were in my time. That's my point!  

25k doesn't sound like failure to me and I don't know what 'real life success' means to you but you made the grade at least. 

Ada

I was born middle aged. 
And had enough life experiences to go round a hundred times 
plus mental illnesses as well as physical illnesses became old before my time.  
If anything I’m the most boring person I know. I’ve always put about :25yrs on top of my age. So be getting the kings telegram soon 
 

WhatThe

Back to your question, I've not missed out on life experiences because of my disabilities, I don't think. I wasn't a good organiser but never stopped trying new activities to find out what I was good at and what I enjoyed doing.  

I didn't know I was immature, I just felt like a failure.  

 

Ada

@WhatThe Back to the question????????? Rude 

WhatThe

What??? No, don't explain. 

It's easier to say nothing to anyone ever to avoid any possibility of misunderstanding but I'm finding my voice as an adult and I also know I'm not a failure whatsoever thank you!