Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and coping skills.

Albus_Scope

Have you ever been told you overreact or are "too sensitive"?  There's a chance you may suffer from a condition known as RSD, or rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is very common among the neurodiverse.  Please note this is not to be confused with "Rejection sensitivity" which is a separate condition, but equally important to address. 

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when a person feels intense emotional pain related to rejection. The word “dysphoria” comes from an ancient Greek word that describes a strong, if not overwhelming feeling of pain or discomfort, the opposite of 'Euphoria" basically. Though RSD isn’t an officially recognized symptom or diagnosis, it’s still a term that experts use in connection with recognized conditions such as ASD and ADHD. 

Experts feel this condition is down to the neurodiverse brains inability to emotionally regulate properly.  This is because as our brains develop, a neurotypical brain will adapt and form channels to help regulate emotions, but a neurodiverse brain tends not to. This is also why often an autistic person is very sensitive to certain smells, sounds or lighting, we're just not hardwired to react like the general population. 

In short, what could lead to a shrug and a "Fair enough" from one person, could be an absolutely devastating moment to someone with RSD.

The difference between Rejection Sensitivity and RSD is the dysphoria component.  Whilst people with RS may react badly to a perceived slight against them, people with RSD could fall into a state of total emotional pain, which can leave the individual crippled with feelings of shame and vulnerability. 

This condition can often lead to people avoiding romantic relationships, friendships and even talking to people at work due to wanting to avoid possible feelings of self consciousness or embarrassment.  Low self esteem and being 'people pleasers' are also a very common comorbidities with RSD. 

Some people will seek therapy for their RSD, which is a valid cause of action. Though RSD wont disappear, talking therapy will help you set in place coping strategies. Others with ADHD have said their ADHD medication have helped lessen the effects. Some have said just keeping up a healthy diet has worked wonders for them, as a bad diet can have a knock on effect with your brain chemistry.



   As someone who has RSD, I thought I'd share a few tips that help me get through the day. Please note it's never easy and everyone's struggle is different and valid, but I find these help a lot. 

- Feel the pain and acknowledge the loss: It’s OK to feel sad or disappointed over rejections such as ending a relationship or losing a job. Acknowledging your feelings helps you to work through them.

- Is this really an attack against me? Always question what is happening and realise not everything is a focused attack against you.  Sometimes it will just be a missed social cue, or a joke you missed.  The RS/RSD brain just perceives this as an attack. This is very common if you're also autistic, as we're often not great with social cues.  It's got me in a pickle more than once. 

- Take a step back. No two people's brains are alike, so it's always good to try and put yourself in the other persons shoes for a few minutes before responding or reacting.  This can be especially important online, where the written word often misses important things like tone. 

- Distract yourself: Rather than burying yourself under the cover, take the opportunity to exercise if possible, go to the movies, or meet with friends, maybe put on your favorite movie? If your instinct is to stew in a pot of your raw emotions, distraction may be your best friend.

- Seek support: Don't assume that everyone doesn't want to hear your sad story. Find someone to talk to, and make the most of it by listening to what they say in return. You don't have to agree, but creating a two-way conversation reinforces friendships and relationships. Talking things through can be so powerful. 

- Don't assign blame: The problem is that people with relationship sensitivity (with or without dysphoria) tend to blame themselves when a relationship or friendship ends. Focus instead on the lessons to be learned, rather than any failure or blame you may feel.


I hope this has been a worthwhile read for you and if you have any questions, or want to share your own stories of RS/RSD, I'd love to hear from you in the comments.  

66Mustang

I often find insignificant things affect me deeply, but significant things don't.

E.g. if someone's tone of voice is slightly "off" I will feel really bad, like they are angry with me or I have done something wrong. There are other times when someone gets really aggressive, even violent and I can just ignore the whole situation.

Someone got really serious road rage with me the other day, committing dangerous driving, trying to intimidate and cause an accident, swearing etc. and I was able to stay calm and it didn't put me off driving in the slightest.

But I could do something as little as write a message on a forum and not get a response and then spend hours wondering if I did something wrong or perhaps whether I upset somebody.

I don't know if this is the same as what you are discussing? I have been told I am sensitive many times before, though!

Albus_Scope

It can manifest in odd ways, but yeah that sounds very familiar @66Mustang! I'm no psychologist of course.

It's especially fun if your best friend has ADHD and is shocking at replying to messages at the best of times. 

WhatThe

Hypersensitive I was called from a young age then left to grow out of it which of course I didn't!

In my 40's my mum and brother were laughing about me one day and I asked her to stop. She used to tell me they teased me because they loved me and it was to toughen me up. I pointed out that clearly hadn't worked so would they please stop now. Why did it take them so long to listen to me though?   

Albus_Scope

@Ada please please please do not take extra antidepressants or sleeping pills. Taking extra anti depressants won't do anything other than throw your brain chemistry further out of whack for a few days/weeks and too many sleeping pills could slow your breathing and heart too much. We really like having you around, so we do worry. 
   You really need to speak to your GP if you feel they're not working for you any more, you body can build up a strong tolerance to them after a few years. I'm also speaking from experience here hehe.

@WhatThe hypersensitivity is also another condition often seen in autistic folk! I'm sorry your family didn't listen to you though, that can be very tough. But I'm glad they finally listened to you. 

Albus_Scope

Excellent pic there @Biblioklept that's pretty spot on.  It's tough to talk about for many, as they don't want to come across as needing pity, which can unfortunately happen with some folk. 

Albus_Scope

It's been shown autistics can process grief very differently from the neurotypical. In computer terms, our brains run on a different operating system. 

I got called all the names under the sun for being too sensitive, but now I see it as I just feel things more strongly than others. I know people can use it as an insult, but it shouldn't be one, it's just a different character trait.  

And if anyone calls me mental, I usually just reply "Oh, so you've spoken to my doctor then?" and hobble off. Something that would've caused me to have a full breakdown a few years ago, but coping strategies can work really well given time and practice.  

Albus_Scope

Ada said:

I talk to much. 🤐

That's the RSD talking  

Jimm_Scope

This is something I didn't know I had until I spoke to a therapist that specialised in ADHD. It really explained a lot of my bad coping mechanisms I had set up to try and avoid rejection at all costs in an unconscious attempt to avoid the pain.

I think this post is really well-written and I hope others read it and maybe get a better understanding of either themselves, if they have it. Or of others who have it, perhaps there is someone you know who has responded with even a minor rejection in what seems, to you, a disproportionate manner. But perhaps it's that they have RSD? Just a thought! It doesn't mean you can't say no to them of course, just you might have more of an understanding of what is going on in their head and you can maybe help lessen those issues.

bookrabbit

That's me in a nutshell. I was a bit surprised to see that poster was about ADHD rather than autism as it so very very me.

I spend so much time wondering what I have done wrong and have hidden away for years and years in fear of making more mistakes.

And it has a name. Bound to have really...

Thanks for posting this.

Albus_Scope

I'm hoping to do more posts like this @ada, so people can understand neurodiversity a bit more.  I'm very glad you've found it useful.  

Albus_Scope

There's so many comorbidities with ASD and ADHD @bookrabbit, it's spooky at times.  I'm glad this has helped you though. 
 Remember we're all here to support you if you ever want to talk about things.

rubin16

I relate to this so much, like for example my girlfriend recently broke up with me, and I didn't do anything wrong she just needed time to focus on herself as she was becoming mentally unwell but I took it as if I did something wrong and took it out on myself.

I'm not good at receiving social cues or bad news and will always just assume its something I did and have very bad self esteem. It also doesn't help having Autism, ADHD and Schizophrenia so I am afraid of rejection as I will take it out on myself and then start having voices telling me bad things about myself and putting myself down even more. When my girlfriend broke up with me I kept trying to end my life through various methods which further destroyed our relationship and now have destroyed any chance of getting back with them. I just spent 2 months in hospital because everytime I was left alone I would hurt myself or try end my life.

I am better now and can only see the damaged I have done later on, its like my brain does actions and then I realise what i'm doing later on but at that point the damage is already done. I have lost so many friends and loved ones becuase of this and how I react to things and I'm now scared of meeting another person as I can't handle rejection.

I also don't handle change very well so when a person goes from that really intense honeymoon phase I tend to stay in it, where my partner seems to change and I think its something I have done where in reality its a normal thing in relationships. But the way my brain works is I start thinking they are going off me or are getting tired of me, which in turn further starts destroying relationships. I just really struggle to stay friends or have relationships for long periods of time as to others I am too high maintenence.

Albus_Scope

Hey @rubin16, thank you for sharing, I can empathise with a lot of what you said.  I'm glad you're feeling better now though, it can often take a long time to see change and often you don't even notice. So I always like to write my thoughts down, then revisit the journal a few months later. 

It's a very common tale with autism and maintaining friendships, quite often due to RSD I think. My two close friends are also autistic, so we understand how each other thinks a bit better. But it can definitely be a struggle. 
 Getting diagnosed later in life is a huge things, so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to reflect, I find there's usually a good year or so of mourning, then things start clicking into place. 

Albus_Scope

Sorry to hear you've been finding it hard to keep afloat @Ada I hope things ease off for you soon.

bookrabbit

@Albus_Scope previously I would have thought them very different. I always associate Asperger's with hyper focus which seems to be the opposite of an attention deficit but I suppose that when focusing on a special interest other things actually go out of focus and don't get paid attention to. 

rubin16

bookrabbit said:

@Albus_Scope previously I would have thought them very different. I always associate Asperger's with hyper focus which seems to be the opposite of an attention deficit but I suppose that when focusing on a special interest other things actually go out of focus and don't get paid attention to. 

Theres no such thing as Aspergers anymore, they stopped using that term. It now just comes under the definition of autism as its a spectrum condition so affects people differently. I find I have hyper focus with my special interest and can spend hours doing the same thing with neglecting other things like going to the bathroom or eating and looking after myself. But having ADHD too I find if I'm doing anything other than my special interest I will need to keep switching from doing something and go back to it. Its also hard to even get motivation to do anything or maintain concentration on one thing at a time so I do mutiple things at once and just keep switching.

Albus_Scope

Aspergers is still a recognised condition, they just don't diagnose it anymore.

Strawberry1

I have read some of this and it's exactly me . Definitely. 

WhatThe

@Albus_Scope This really should be pinned to the first page. It’s very important information for those all involved. For self discovery or to help the understanding of ones relative. Friend etc. 
This will get lost along the way. Where as it will help hundreds if seen. (Ada)
   
Aspergers is still a recognised condition, they just don't diagnose it anymore

From NAS website -

However, some people continue to describe themselves using this terminology, usually because their diagnosis forms an important part of their identity in a way that is not connected to official diagnostic terminology or its historical context.

WhatThe

@Albus_Scope This really should be pinned to the first page. It’s very important information for those all involved. For self discovery or to help the understanding of ones relative. Friend etc. 
This will get lost along the way. Where as it will help hundreds if seen.


Ada, I think this is an exceptional comment from you and it would be a shame to lose it