Am I loosing the plot?

Ian1951

This all sounds crazy (even to me!), but I promise you every word is true. My wonderful wife, Linda, passed away on the 9th January this year and I felt (still do really) like my life ended with her passing. Words don't come close to how I felt and I did try to commit suicide by taking a mixture of pills etc. However, I woke up a day and a half later and spent the whole day vomiting. I felt cheated that I didn't die.
In our bedroom we have matching 24 hour electric clocks and the following day I woke up to find my bedside clock reading 5.05. This is impossible because it would normally read 05.05. I took this as a sign saying S.O.S; but couldn't really understand what it meant. I then tried to replicate the 505 thing, but the clock wouldn't allow me to do it. It would only read 05.05. Spooky or what?
Anyway, for the next week everything that could go wrong, did so, and I felt that I just wanted to give up. However, various people started getting in touch with me and things started to get sorted out.

Last night I went to bed, and as always I spoke to my wife, "Good night darling, I love and miss you so much etc". I also said " If you think I'm making the right decisions etc; please give me a sign, because I just don't know how to go forward. This morning I woke up to find my bedside clock had  gained an extra hour during the night, and my wife's clock was reading the correct time!
I REALLY would like some feed back from you guys on what you think please. I can't see any other reason for the clock suddenly going nuts, other than a sign from my beloved wife.
Your thoughts please. Thanks in advance.
Ian

Albus_Scope

HI @Ian1951, firstly, I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad people have been reaching out to support you. We're all here too if you need to talk. Can I ask how you're feeling now? 

I'm a firm believer in the afterlife, maybe not a heaven, but I think our loved ones stick around to look over us.

Rosie_Scope

Hello @Ian1951! Stranger things have happened, as the saying goes! I think that if what happened brought you some comfort in a really dark time, then there's no need to question it too much. I don't think you're losing the plot at all!

Even if it is just some dodgy clocks, if it's helped you feel in touch with your lovely wife after your loss, it can only be a good thing. That's just my view, though! And like Albus, I do tend to think that some part of people sticks around way after they're gone, especially those we were really close to.

I hope you're doing as well as possible in the circumstances, it can't be easy. We're here if you need to talk about things

Adrian_Scope

Hi @Ian1951. I never used to believe much in signs or synchronicities, but over the past couple of years I feel like I've leant more towards believing... something. I've noticed more and more how the world all seems connected and have started to pay attention to those weird little things that could seem coincidental but really don't feel like they are. Honestly my life has been more positive for it.

The 5.05 does look like SOS doesn't it? What message do you think your wife would be trying to share with you? 

I'm going to be sending you over an email to see how you're doing, so keep an eye out for that. 

Ian1951

Hi
I couldn't work out the 'S.O.S' message, but it's the sort of thing she'd do. Linda knew (or should I say KNOWS) me better than I know myself and I could just see her smiling as she did it. I was an engineer before I retired and my nick name was 'Mr Spock', because I was always logical in all I did. So she'd know that I knew she'd be behind it and wouldn't be able to figure it out. 

Ian1951

Thanks to all those who replied to my post. During the years my wife and I were together weird things happened that neither of us could explain and in the end we just accepted them. Linda used to say 'he's looking out for us', she was a life long Christian. Me, I was too much of a realist but felt it easier to go along with her, but now I'm starting to think she was right. Either way, each time the clock played up it was at a critical moment for me, and in a way, it seemed that things went better afterwards. 
I've never believed in a heaven etc; but one thing I do know is that my wife is still around and keeping an eye on me. Just before she passed away she said 'I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want to loose you, I love you too much' ( here come the tears again). So with all that's  happened since I can only accept that my Linda is still there, even if I can't see her.
So again, I ask, am I loosing the plot?  

Sandy_123

Hi @Ian1951 welcome to the forum 
Sorry to read about your wife's passing. I agree that if you found comfort from the messages your not loosing the plot. I'm sorry that you tried to take your own life. Have you approached your gp about this? Have you also thought about taking bereavement councilling, it may help. 

Ian1951

Hi
Thanks for your thoughts. No, I haven't taken any professional help in dealing with things. To be honest I have no faith in all this psycho babble and have never met one of these people who didn't have more problems than the people they were supposedly helping.

Hannah_Alumni

@Ian1951 You are not losing the plot. To me, it sounds like you are living in the memories you have created toegther and I hope that brings more comfort to you than feeling sad. As I am sure you made so many If you don't mind me asking, how did you and Linda meet? 

I know you do not have faith in the psychology side, but I would encourage you to look into mindfulness. There are free apps, like headspace, which I have used before. I find it can help with all those thoughts and feelings that can get overwhelming. 

And of course, you have us in the community to talk to  

Ian1951

Hi Hannah
Thanks for your comments and time.
Linda and I met through friends in April and married in December that year. Neither of us planned on settling down, but in a very short space of time it became obvious to us both that we were in love and hated being apart, that was 52 years ago, and it was the best thing we ever did. Since that date we lived for each other and when Linda became disabled it didn't matter because we still had each other.
Now I miss her more than words can say and I feel so useless without the love of my life to look after. If you love someone, then looking after them is an honour and makes life worth living, as well as making life easier for them. Now days are empty and nights a living hell.
Ian

Hannah_Alumni

Wow! Like something out of a romance novel A December wedding sounds magical.

52 years, just amazing, but I also understand that it still never feels enough. 

I'm so sorry you feel useless. You aren't. I do still encourage you to reach out to your GP. I think you have so many amazing stories of your life with Linda you want to share, and I think speaking to someone doesn't always mean psychological, bereavement groups are about sharing and if you feel you need further support, they will be able to help point you in that direction. I say to speak to your GP because they will know about local groups. 

My friend lost her dad, and I remember she read this poem, and I thought it may help  

Epitaph by Merrit Malloy

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
 
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
 
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
 
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
 
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.