Looking for support on boundaries: partner vs caregiver

AquaEcho

Hello everyone, I am new here. 
I have multiple long-term or permanent but variable conditions both physical, cognitive and mental health, I do not receive professional care at home.

I have been with my partner for a few years, we're both in our 30s no children. I am really struggling with finding the right approach to working together to identify and fulfill my needs eg helping me access care, helping me at home etc. 

I was looking for perspective:
- How do you manage the boundaries of the relationships: couple stuff vs disability stuff? 

- How do you know what and how much is appropriate for a partner to assist with? 

- Do you have any advice for resources for my partner?
I am particularly interested in learning together about the power dynamics, how disability, gender etc impact the relationship etc and what we can do to make sure we stay fine

Thanks a lot!
AquaEcho (because it's fun to say) 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @AquaEcho

Welcome to the community! I hope you are keeping ok today? 

There is a concept called love languages. It was brought up by author Gary Chapman who said there are 5 love languages that describes how we receive love from others.
They are;

• Words of Affirmation - Saying supportive things to your partner
• Acts of Service - Doing helpful things for your partner
• Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them
• Quality Time - Spending meaningful time with your partner
• Physical Touch - Being close to and caressed by your partner

Each of us differs and by learning to give love in the way our partner can best receive it, we can create stronger relationships. I hope this helps  

AquaEcho

Hi Hannah and thanks for your message and welcome. 

I heard of "love languages" before, but never looked into it. I don't think I have a specific one within these? They all feel important, just in different contexts.
I can discuss with my partner, see if they have a specific one.

Our biggest issue is differentiating and addressing both relationship issues and disability/care related issues. For example some things I would like to do but either I need assistance, or for lots I just can't do it, so in order to get done it will have to be either my partner doing it, or someone else I called for help.
I don't think I'm expressing it well.

Thank you

roadrunmer94

Hello @AquaEcho , I see this post is from a while back now, I wonder if you found anything helpful in terms of the two of you learning together? I think it's really great that you took the time to ask and think about this, and I'd be interested to know what helped, how your partner received it etc.

Myself, I have been guilty of overlooking this and just sort of expecting my partner to help. A couple of years down the line and he is completely fed up, and comes across really uncaring now. I can be screaming and crying in pain and he just walks right past me. I do blame myself to some degree, for not addressing his needs too in the beginning.

Hope you found something that helped and that you are both doing well.