A backstory and current issues.

JasonRA

The backstory is traumatic experiences in childhood, physical and mental abuse, sexual abuse, witnessing violence and an attempted murder between parents.

So as my parent was in prison for attempted murder, I had a terrible time in foster care because I built a friendship with my foster carer which upset the other foster children, my other parent aka the abuser recovered and I had to live with him and it was another 4 years of abuse, this time mental and he never spent a penny of child support on me and saved it up for himself, never put the heating on to save money for himself, school wasn't better as I was being bullied for my personal life as the incident made the news in the south West in 2003....thankfully when my mother came out I lived with her and she's basically become my carer now.

It was humiliating and soul destroying for my personal life to be broadcast on national TV, I lived a double life until 2002/2003, school was a haven away from home but after the incident everyone saw me as "special" in an insulting way.

I never addressed any of this at the time, it's destroyed any potential relationships as I can't trust and I'm paranoid, had emotional outbursts even then, it effected friendships yet I managed to work and study, I got a degree in music in 2017 after spending years getting the qualifications after flunking school. It was a 3 year course but I took 5 years to complete it as there were signs my mental health was deteriorating.

In 2019 I had a complete emotional breakdown and ever since I barely have the motivation to dress myself or eat, my mum prompts me, I don't go out anymore, tried to kill myself and failed on numerous occasions, I've been through anti-depressives like sweets, my doctor changes what I should take after the ones in the past don't work, I entered the world of benefits at behest of my mother who thought I had legitimate reasons to claim.

Even now despite being signed off on LCRWA and PIP has my doctor hasn't referred me to psychiatry, I want to get to the bottom of this situation in an attempt to address these issues as counselling hasn't worked as after the high of talking to someone the lows of not seeing them to talk to sets in and the circle starts again.

December of 2021 was tough, I put my palm through the front window in a fit of rage and the police came, cut my arm up bad, I begged them to be sectioned but they didn't want to even though I believe they had the power. They didn't apprehend me because they knew a teary wreck wasn't going to pose any trouble, though again I was surprised they were so compassionate.

I'm struggling a lot now, to the point I ask what is the point? the only thing that keeps me going is the fact my mother has spent years looking after me and the fact I have a benefit to purchase groceries online mainly but it's hard, my other vice is the computer, I'm obsessed worrying if this government and media are trying to demonize people who are signed off as "lazy who contribute to economic inactivity" and it's upsetting me no end to the point of angry outbursts, hollering in an aggressive manner.

Anyone who has had a tough time, suffered abuse, witnessed violence with knifes or any potential weapons, who've been through mental, sexual and physical abuse needs to address the issues as soon as they can, never keep it bottled up, address it because if you don't it will stay under the carpet but year by year it will start affecting you later in life. 

Sorry for the monologue, just didn't know this discussion tab was on here.

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @JasonRA

I'm going to pop an email over you you  

bookrabbit

@JasonRA just want to say that you have found a good place to get support. There are so many good people on here!
It is really hard when things go wrong in your life from childhood. I recognise a lot of what you are going through and have felt many of the same things. I'm not particularly good at being comforting or reassuring but just want to remind you that when things are bad they don't stay that way all the time. There are always better bits and sometimes they arrive when you least expect them.

MW123

@JasonRA

Firstly, I want to acknowledge your strength in persevering despite the challenges you've faced. It takes immense courage to keep going, especially when dealing with such deep emotional pain.

Additionally, you are not "lazy" or "inactive" simply because you are struggling emotionally or receiving benefits. It's important to remember that these judgmental attitudes in the media  say more about those holding them than they do about benefit claimants. Many people understand the need for a strong social safety net and would not judge someone for accessing the support they require, that is what it is there for.

Your love for computers can really help you. Instead of dwelling on negative news, use your computer to explore topics that interest you. This can leave you feeling positive and fulfilled.

Despite the challenges you've faced, your perseverance in completing your degree is a testament to your strength and determination. Remember to be kind to yourself and to acknowledge the progress you've made, even in the midst of adversity.

Wishing you and your mother strength and resilience as you navigate life's journey together.