i dont know anymore
my whole life ive dealt with this, constant pain, and i was always so confused "Why is everything so much harder for me than anyone else??" and i ended up severely depressed when i was 10 and it never really stopped. im 17 now, finally accepted that im disabled and im working through it and im getting fitted for a wheelchair next month, but i feel empty, so so empty. my whole life i just thought i was useless and that everything was hard because i was just stupid. i had no idea that i should tell someone, all of the pain, it added up. i had benefits for my autism for a while and i was in so much pain (mental and physical) and i was spending it all on w**d just to stay afloat and get myself up in the morning. it didnt really help but its left its consequences, i have no money, i just spent what money i did have on clothes because im sick of smoking 24/7. im quitting cold turkey during whats honestly been the worst experience of my life, im stuck at home, how am i supposed to keep myself entertained?? i mean like im fine but this is torture. i just sit at home and brood im so scared, for once in my life i actually think im gonna make it to see my 20th birthday and im so **** happy because things are finally looking up, i dont know why im sad. i dont know why i cry so much. i always subconciously knew id have to start using a wheelchair and its like i blinked and there it is infront of me. i feel mostly okay about it until i think about my friends, about how lucky they are. i put on a brave face but im so jealous of them, im so jealous. i never knew what it was like to be able bodied, i never knew what it was like to be able to run. they want to go hiking, and go explore abandoned buildings, and all this normal teen stuff, and i do too, but some things are more effort than theyre worth, and i realise that this will continue, my peers are always going to be (mostly) able bodied and will always be doing some things that i just cant. i dont know how to make myself not jealous, im sitting here in so much pain, i didnt sleep because i physically couldnt get comfortable, im so exhausted, but my best friend is at college working towards a dream that we shared, i really wanted to be a chef, i tried to force myself into a kitchen job and got horribly abused both times by horrible staff members and (god knows how) survived my short stint in quite possibly the worst industry on the planet. im doing better but idk, i wish i wasnt me, this is all too much sometimes.
