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i dont know anymore

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gh0sth0rses
gh0sth0rses Community member Posts: 10 Listener
my whole life ive dealt with this, constant pain, and i was always so confused "Why is everything so much harder for me than anyone else??" and i ended up severely depressed when i was 10 and it never really stopped. im 17 now, finally accepted that im disabled and im working through it and im getting fitted for a wheelchair next month, but i feel empty, so so empty. my whole life i just thought i was useless and that everything was hard because i was just stupid. i had no idea that i should tell someone, all of the pain, it added up. i had benefits for my autism for a while and i was in so much pain (mental and physical) and i was spending it all on w**d just to stay afloat and get myself up in the morning. it didnt really help but its left its consequences, i have no money, i just spent what money i did have on clothes because im sick of smoking 24/7. im quitting cold turkey during whats honestly been the worst experience of my life, im stuck at home, how am i supposed to keep myself entertained?? i mean like im fine but this is torture. i just sit at home and brood im so scared, for once in my life i actually think im gonna make it to see my 20th birthday and im so **** happy because things are finally looking up, i dont know why im sad. i dont know why i cry so much. i always subconciously knew id have to start using a wheelchair and its like i blinked and there it is infront of me. i feel mostly okay about it until i think about my friends, about how lucky they are. i put on a brave face but im so jealous of them, im so jealous. i never knew what it was like to be able bodied, i never knew what it was like to be able to run. they want to go hiking, and go explore abandoned buildings, and all this normal teen stuff, and i do too, but some things are more effort than theyre worth, and i realise that this will continue, my peers are always going to be (mostly) able bodied and will always be doing some things that i just cant. i dont know how to make myself not jealous, im sitting here in so much pain, i didnt sleep because i physically couldnt get comfortable, im so exhausted, but my best friend is at college working towards a dream that we shared, i really wanted to be a chef, i tried to force myself into a kitchen job and got horribly abused both times by horrible staff members and (god knows how) survived my short stint in quite possibly the worst industry on the planet. im doing better but idk, i wish i wasnt me, this is all too much sometimes.

Comments

  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 52,934 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @gh0sth0rses I'm glad your doing better and I do understand how you feel, like everyone has better  choices being able bodied. I don't use a wheel chair but sometimes  I think I should. Its normal to feel envious, I do sometimes.
    However it is still possible to do a lot  of  things. 
    Have a Google in your area if there are any clubs you can go to, you can still study at college. 
    Maybe see the gp to see if they do anything for the pain and your mood.
  • gh0sth0rses
    gh0sth0rses Community member Posts: 10 Listener
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    Sandy_123 said:
    Hi @gh0sth0rses I'm glad your doing better and I do understand how you feel, like everyone has better  choices being able bodied. I don't use a wheel chair but sometimes  I think I should. Its normal to feel envious, I do sometimes.
    However it is still possible to do a lot  of  things. 
    Have a Google in your area if there are any clubs you can go to, you can still study at college. 
    Maybe see the gp to see if they do anything for the pain and your mood.
    i am seeking treatment for both, dont worry. im looking around for clubs to attend once i get my wheelchair sorted as i dont trust the one i have at all.
  • Jimm_Scope
    Jimm_Scope Posts: 2,873 Scope online community team
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    Hi @gh0sth0rses, it sounds like you've really been through a lot. When I was 19 and came down with Crohn's I had a lot of similar feelings. I couldn't go out, I felt like I was missing out on a lot. It was so much to deal with at the time. There is support though, I'm glad you're getting treatment for your pain and mood. I really hope you are able to find something that works for you, it took me 2-3 attempts before I found what worked for me, so if the first treatment doesn't help try to not be put off to keep trying! 

    I think what Sandy says about clubs is a good point. I turned to going to a roleplaying club that I could join online or when I could go out I went to a board game cafe. Things that were accessible to me that I also enjoyed. 

    What sort of clubs are you interested in?

    You may receive an email from us later by the way, so do keep an eye out for it :) 
    They/Them, however they are no wrong pronouns with me so whatever you feel most comfortable with
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