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Move from an abusive home

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22Riah
22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener

Hi, I am a 22 year old neurodivergent woman with mental health issues, who’s currently living with her emotionally stunted family. The environment that I’m living in is unsuitable for me and is causing great harm mentally and physically.  

I had to move back into my family home in September 2023 as the tendency agreement at my student accommodation had ended, I am currently studying at the open university and I’m in the process of getting a maintenance loan, but even with the maintenance loan I still wouldn’t be able to a afford a flat in London, I have considered living elsewhere in the uk but London is where I feel more comfortable living, as I’ve lived in other areas of the uk before and have been met with racism and indifference something I’d never experienced before in London. I also work twice a week (sometimes more) as a night shift colleague at Tesco but as with every job I’ve had I’m once again struggling to work there. I thought since I have social anxiety it would be a good idea to work during the night as I won’t really have to deal with customers and my journey to and from the store would be during hours where it’s not soo busy outside. 

But I didn’t consider the fact that I’d have to converse with colleagues frequently, which most of the time I don’t wanna talk to anyone I just want some peace and quiet, I want to get to the store do my work and then leave on time, a lot of the times colleagues will talk to me for like 10+ minutes at a time, and I just don’t want to talk, especially when I’m on my way out the door. Also there’s certain things that they say and do that bother me and sometimes triggers my anxiety, sensitivity and depression. Sometimes I mention it and sometimes I don’t because I don’t want to come across as bitchy or a winer, and there’s also been times where I’ve mustered up the courage to tell people the things they do that bother me and I’ve been met with ignorance and lack of understanding. I’ve always had problems in the work environment because I’m different, I’d much rather not work or work in an environment that’s more suitable for me but I haven’t been able to find anything and I need money to live on. 

I live with 4 family members and I have a difficult relationship with all of them, I got into a an argument with my father a year ago about the emotional abuse he inflict on me during my childhood and he denied the whole thing and said it never happened, so although we live in the same house we almost never speak, every once in a while when we just so happen to be in the same room with one another he’ll ask me if I’m okay and I’ll respond with mhmm without looking at him and leave as soon as I can. We have 3 floors in our house, on the ground floor there’s the kitchen, living room, garden and door that opens to leave the house, on the second floor there’s my bedroom (which I used to share with my little sister), my older brother’s room, my eldest brother’s room (which my sister now sleeps in), and a bathroom which only me and my sister use. On the third floor is my parents’ room and another bathroom. Whenever my father is downstairs in the living or kitchen I avoid going downstairs because being anywhere near him triggers me, and I feel soo anxious and comfortable, even hearing his voice triggers me to the point where I sometimes get flashbacks of when he used to shout in my face.

My mother is crafty, manipulative and although everyone is aware of my neurodivergence my parents make the least amount of effort to support me and my additional needs. My father doesn’t understand it and doesn’t try to make sense of it even though he’s a huge reason for why I even have depression and anxiety. My mum likes to push and force me into doing things I don’t want to do especially if it’ll benefit her. My door has to stay open because while I was a away (living in student accommodations) my sister got a cat and that’s the room that the cat feels comfortable in so I have to keep my door open at all times so that the cat has access to the room, so I never have privacy and my mum constantly opens my door at any and all hours to tell me things or she’ll take something in the room without asking and because I have a very poor memory due to having dyslexia and adhd, I only ever know she’s taken it weeks or even months later, I always just assume that I’ve missed place or it’s ran out or something and get a new one. My eldest brother has severe autism and doesn’t like having anything in the bathroom, I’m talking toothbrushes, soap holders, soaps, toilet brush, literally anything in the bathroom and so he’ll remove it, destroy it, throw it in my room. He’s currently living at a respite and at first when he’ll visit my mum would give me notice so that I could move my things and she’ll say that he’ll be here for a day and he’d always stay much longer than that, and him being here is so challenging and she constantly asks me to do things for him, make adjustments for him, adjustments that no one’s ever bothered to do for me. She always sees it as a ‘well he’s only going to be here for a few days/I’ll only have to adjust for a few days’ but having to cramp everything in the bathroom into my room is hard, I like having my stuff in a particular way so that it’s easier for me, I don’t want to have to search through bags and more bags trying to find the things, I like not having to think of it, and constantly having to do that is requires soo much effort and it’s draining. 

I could go on and on about why the environment I live in is unsuitable for me but I don’t want to make this email even longer than it needs to be. 

I just want to be okay and feel like myself again, but living here, the limitations, the restrictions, the triggers, constantly having to make unreasonable adjustments just so I can just about live here is insufferable and it’s just all too much and I just don’t know how much more I can take especially when change/help doesn’t seem to be coming. I want help and housing advice on what I could do to live somewhere else. I’ve contacted my local council requesting to be on the housing register and I’ve also contacted pip and I’m in the process of writing up a mandatory reconsideration letter as they’ve rejected my pip claim. 

Comments

  • luvpink
    luvpink Community member Posts: 111 Pioneering
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    22Riah said:

    Hi, I am a 22 year old neurodivergent woman with mental health issues, who’s currently living with her emotionally stunted family. The environment that I’m living in is unsuitable for me and is causing great harm mentally and physically.  

    I had to move back into my family home in September 2023 as the tendency agreement at my student accommodation had ended, I am currently studying at the open university and I’m in the process of getting a maintenance loan, but even with the maintenance loan I still wouldn’t be able to a afford a flat in London, I have considered living elsewhere in the uk but London is where I feel more comfortable living, as I’ve lived in other areas of the uk before and have been met with racism and indifference something I’d never experienced before in London. I also work twice a week (sometimes more) as a night shift colleague at Tesco but as with every job I’ve had I’m once again struggling to work there. I thought since I have social anxiety it would be a good idea to work during the night as I won’t really have to deal with customers and my journey to and from the store would be during hours where it’s not soo busy outside. 

    But I didn’t consider the fact that I’d have to converse with colleagues frequently, which most of the time I don’t wanna talk to anyone I just want some peace and quiet, I want to get to the store do my work and then leave on time, a lot of the times colleagues will talk to me for like 10+ minutes at a time, and I just don’t want to talk, especially when I’m on my way out the door. Also there’s certain things that they say and do that bother me and sometimes triggers my anxiety, sensitivity and depression. Sometimes I mention it and sometimes I don’t because I don’t want to come across as bitchy or a winer, and there’s also been times where I’ve mustered up the courage to tell people the things they do that bother me and I’ve been met with ignorance and lack of understanding. I’ve always had problems in the work environment because I’m different, I’d much rather not work or work in an environment that’s more suitable for me but I haven’t been able to find anything and I need money to live on. 

    I live with 4 family members and I have a difficult relationship with all of them, I got into a an argument with my father a year ago about the emotional abuse he inflict on me during my childhood and he denied the whole thing and said it never happened, so although we live in the same house we almost never speak, every once in a while when we just so happen to be in the same room with one another he’ll ask me if I’m okay and I’ll respond with mhmm without looking at him and leave as soon as I can. We have 3 floors in our house, on the ground floor there’s the kitchen, living room, garden and door that opens to leave the house, on the second floor there’s my bedroom (which I used to share with my little sister), my older brother’s room, my eldest brother’s room (which my sister now sleeps in), and a bathroom which only me and my sister use. On the third floor is my parents’ room and another bathroom. Whenever my father is downstairs in the living or kitchen I avoid going downstairs because being anywhere near him triggers me, and I feel soo anxious and comfortable, even hearing his voice triggers me to the point where I sometimes get flashbacks of when he used to shout in my face.

    My mother is crafty, manipulative and although everyone is aware of my neurodivergence my parents make the least amount of effort to support me and my additional needs. My father doesn’t understand it and doesn’t try to make sense of it even though he’s a huge reason for why I even have depression and anxiety. My mum likes to push and force me into doing things I don’t want to do especially if it’ll benefit her. My door has to stay open because while I was a away (living in student accommodations) my sister got a cat and that’s the room that the cat feels comfortable in so I have to keep my door open at all times so that the cat has access to the room, so I never have privacy and my mum constantly opens my door at any and all hours to tell me things or she’ll take something in the room without asking and because I have a very poor memory due to having dyslexia and adhd, I only ever know she’s taken it weeks or even months later, I always just assume that I’ve missed place or it’s ran out or something and get a new one. My eldest brother has severe autism and doesn’t like having anything in the bathroom, I’m talking toothbrushes, soap holders, soaps, toilet brush, literally anything in the bathroom and so he’ll remove it, destroy it, throw it in my room. He’s currently living at a respite and at first when he’ll visit my mum would give me notice so that I could move my things and she’ll say that he’ll be here for a day and he’d always stay much longer than that, and him being here is so challenging and she constantly asks me to do things for him, make adjustments for him, adjustments that no one’s ever bothered to do for me. She always sees it as a ‘well he’s only going to be here for a few days/I’ll only have to adjust for a few days’ but having to cramp everything in the bathroom into my room is hard, I like having my stuff in a particular way so that it’s easier for me, I don’t want to have to search through bags and more bags trying to find the things, I like not having to think of it, and constantly having to do that is requires soo much effort and it’s draining. 

    I could go on and on about why the environment I live in is unsuitable for me but I don’t want to make this email even longer than it needs to be. 

    I just want to be okay and feel like myself again, but living here, the limitations, the restrictions, the triggers, constantly having to make unreasonable adjustments just so I can just about live here is insufferable and it’s just all too much and I just don’t know how much more I can take especially when change/help doesn’t seem to be coming. I want help and housing advice on what I could do to live somewhere else. I’ve contacted my local council requesting to be on the housing register and I’ve also contacted pip and I’m in the process of writing up a mandatory reconsideration letter as they’ve rejected my pip claim. 

    @22Riah

    Hi very sorry to hear about your situation.
    Do you have a social worker or a support worker who could assist you with your council home request?
    Are you getting any help with your pip mandatory reconsideration?

  • 22Riah
    22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    Hi, thank you for getting back to me. I do not have a social worker or a support worker, I tried to get a social worker through my council last year but they told me that only people with more severe disabilities are eligible for a social worker so I just let it go. 

    I’ve had since December 2023 to get my mandatory reconsideration letter done and I still haven’t managed to complete 🤦🏽‍♀️, I haven’t gotten help with it because the help services I’ve found are expensive and im embarrassed to share my personal struggles with someone I don’t really know and that’s probably why I failed the telephone assessment. 
  • luvpink
    luvpink Community member Posts: 111 Pioneering
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    22Riah said:
    Hi, thank you for getting back to me. I do not have a social worker or a support worker, I tried to get a social worker through my council last year but they told me that only people with more severe disabilities are eligible for a social worker so I just let it go. 

    I’ve had since December 2023 to get my mandatory reconsideration letter done and I still haven’t managed to complete 🤦🏽‍♀️, I haven’t gotten help with it because the help services I’ve found are expensive and im embarrassed to share my personal struggles with someone I don’t really know and that’s probably why I failed the telephone assessment. 
    Please don't ever pay for it.
    There is plenty of advice on this forum and the more experienced members here will come along and assist you.
  • 22Riah
    22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    I feel embarrassed sharing intimate details about myself which is why I’ve been trying to do it on my own for months now, unsuccessful. I guess im just going to have to get over it, also another part of me feels like I won’t get which is why I haven’t really tried to get help on writing it up.

    how do I find support to help me write up my mandatory reconsideration letter, do I create another post ? 
  • luvpink
    luvpink Community member Posts: 111 Pioneering
    Options
    22Riah said:
    I feel embarrassed sharing intimate details about myself which is why I’ve been trying to do it on my own for months now, unsuccessful. I guess im just going to have to get over it, also another part of me feels like I won’t get which is why I haven’t really tried to get help on writing it up.

    how do I find support to help me write up my mandatory reconsideration letter, do I create another post ? 
    I think most of us feel embarrassed and it doesn't help that the process of claiming benefits is so degrading but unfortunately we have to endure.
    I am sure that @p@poppy123456 will soon respond to you.
    She is very knowledgeable and supportive in offering advice on these matters.

  • 22Riah
    22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    It truly is honestly. 

    I’ll wait and see if she reply if not I’ll try and see if I can contact her. Thank you 
  • luvpink
    luvpink Community member Posts: 111 Pioneering
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    22Riah said:
    It truly is honestly. 

    I’ll wait and see if she reply if not I’ll try and see if I can contact her. Thank you 
    Try putting another post asking for Poppy123456 to advise you.
    Good luck.
  • Kimmy87
    Kimmy87 Community member Posts: 371 Pioneering
    edited May 14
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    OP I'd recommend posting in the PIP section with a topic titled Help with PIP MR or similar, that would be a more visible way to get help from others. 

    Poppy has a private profile and doesn't respond to tags, she (quite rightly) helps when she chooses to do so. 
  • Albus_Scope
    Albus_Scope Posts: 5,325 Scope online community team
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    Heya @22Riah we've already spoken via email, but I just wanted to pop in and give you a proper welcome to the community. :)

    If you have any PIP questions, we're all here to support you. But I'd suggest not tagging Poppy, as she's here out of the goodness of her heart. But she'll definitely find your post and offer help. :)
    Albus (he/him)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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    Neurodivergent.
  • 22Riah
    22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    @Kimmy87 thank you for your advice, I’m gonna act on it in a bit. 
  • 22Riah
    22Riah Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    @Albus_Scope thank you for the lovely welcome and I’ve understood, I will not be tagging her
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