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We want to hear from you: please tell us about your experience of the online community.

I'll never find a partner because ____

66Mustang

Does anyone else ever have a super negative way of thinking about the idea that maybe they might not find someone who wants to be their partner??

I keep thinking things like "I'll never find a partner because I don't have a job" or "I'll never find a partner because I'm not a typical manly alpha male" and stuff like that

I learnt to think positively ... like, if someone demands that their partner has a job, would I want them to be my partner anyway??!

But it's hard to keep the faith

I recently had a big epiphany moment though, because, I know of some people in real life who are kind of like me - i.e. a bit shy/anxious, not aggressive alpha type males, gentle people, stuff like that ... they have partners and genuinely seem super sweet and happy together ... I used to be kind of sad/resentful/jealous thinking why can someone with similar things to me find the special person for them but I can't?? But then I realised it's because I kind of haven't really tried yet (because I haven't been able to) so how can I say I've "failed" to find someone

What's more I realised it's actually a positive and reaffirming thing, because it proves that having issues or being like me doesn't have to be a barrier, and even people who are more "gentle" and stuff can still find someone special

Can anyone relate? Or share any words of encouragement??

Thanks

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JJinPA

@66Mustang

I was pretty timid in my youth. Girls left me because "Your too nice." I never had trouble finding girls, actually they found me. It was keeping them that was tough. But eventually. Best not to try too hard. Go about your business, but do your business where you might meet someone. You need eye contact. So step away from the computer now and then. Get out. Even if it's just feeding the ducks at the lake. Some women just want a healthy relationship. Someone they can count on for emotional support. If they are looking for the money you wouldn't want them even if you had any.

It will happen when you least expect it.

66Mustang

Thanks @JJinPA for the advice and experience

In honesty I'm interested in anyone who is the right person, not just girls/women, however I would say I'm more often drawn to females but I have found guys that I liked for whatever reason as well. I don't really associate with any gender or sexuality myself, I'm just attracted to individuals - most relevantly to me is the personality and nature rather than a person's physical "form" or appearance as well

But your experience is still incredibly valuable and useful to me, and thank you for sharing

I TOTALLY agree about the money thing!!! If I did have lots of money, I would be actually tempted to pretend I didn't for a while at first, just to make sure I found the right person.

I also agree about trying too hard but I think that's applicable to certain situations. I really want to make an effort FOR the other person, when I find someone, but I decided to not make any attempts to be someone I'm not, and just be myself, because that way I'll find someone who is more similar to me and who I can be myself around if that makes sense??

Thank you so much for everything you posted though, that is a lot of little tips crammed into one paragraph there that might just make the difference 😊

66Mustang

Just one thing @JJinPA

I'm probably overthinking and overworrying, as this happens a lot to me, but when you say people left you "because you're too nice"

Do you mean that it is necessary to change yourself, and be a bit harsher, or do you just mean that someone will come along who is happy with you as you are?

Thanks

birdwatcher

I wouldn't want a partner again. My last ,very much ex , boyfriend has turned up on my doorstep a few times but I'm not interested now. Looking back ,I wasted seven years of my life on that selfish, greedy loser. When I think back I can't believe I did that. Suppose you hope things will improve. But they didn't.

I'm housebound now so obviously don't meet new people. It doesn't bother me, friends call in and I spend a lot of time on the phone

I have one particular friend who says she's lonely even though her adult son lives with her.

I'm happy with my life, enjoy being single. And I'll never be lonely while I've got my dog

Maybe some people are better on their own? Or maybe I'm just an anti social miserable so and so!😄😄

Lou67

@66Mustang

It’s great to see how your thinking has changed it’s so positive and that’ll always get you far.
As for meeting someone I’m sure when the times right you’ll meet a lovely person to be your partner and they will be so lucky to have you, as your such a kind caring person that has a lot to give.
I truly mean every word I say as I think a lot off you and the support you give not only to me but the whole community.

❤️

66Mustang

@birdwatcher

We all have different requirements and desires

Some people are happy being single and others want to love and be loved and stuff I think

I wouldn't ever want to try to convince anyone otherwise, I think people have to do what makes them happy, and if you have found happiness than I am in turn happy for you 😊

I don't think it's fair to think all relationships are bad though, or all men are the same, or all women are the same, or whatever, everyone is an individual I think

I wouldn't call you antisocial for not wanting a partner, I know a few people who are super happy being on their own but they are not lonely as they have loads of friends

Personally I just need one person who is really special to spend life with instead of several friends

We are both "right" because we are both doing what's right for us 😃

66Mustang

Thanks so much @Lou67!!

It seems we posted at the same time again so I missed your message, we keep doing that!! 😁

Thanks for your lovely words, it really picks me up when I hear nice things, maybe I'm shallow or fickle but it makes a big difference and I appreciate it so much. ♥️

Lou67

@66Mustang

Yes we definitely keep posting at the same time (great minds think alike) 😂

Aww I’m so pleased you appreciate the messages I send but you definitely aren’t fickle or shallow sometimes we just need to hear how other people see us. ❤️

birdwatcher

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/864320#Comment_864320

Hi Mustang. That makes a lot of sense about doing what's right for us. Horses for courses and all that. One thing I did miss when my long term partner passed away was late evening having someone to talk to. Nothing life changing either, stuff like, ' there was nowt on tv tonight was there?'. Little things like that. Doesn't bother me now, he's been gone 24 years. My poor dog cops her ear bent nowadays 😄.

Never settle for second best, you're worth more than that

JJinPA

@66Mustang

ABSOLUTLY NEVER EVER change yourself for someone else's approval. For one, it is then living a lie. For two, you are giving up on yourself. Just be you. There is someone to appreciate you how you are.

As for gender attraction, we do not choose our preferences. Stay comfortable in your desires. The right person is the right person.

I think common interests is the best foundation for a relationship. Pursue your interests and I am sure there will be others to share them. Conversation builds relationships. Attraction is like a ping of sonar. It alerts you to a presence but it is neither essential or lasting. A commitment between two people needs time and exposure to build.

hyancinth

I have zero interest in doing so, I feel Im way past all that and so insanely independant and soliitary. I also cannot trust (in all human contact)and have extremely low self esteem. I have had bfs but I destroy every singe relationship.

Told you, Im a joy.

dream

I would love to have love in my life but I worry about social service going ballistic it me they don't even prove of me having friends and other who is worse than me is aloud it I know I can get very lonely it time but I did ask someone in family why can't I be allowed and all I got was because every friend I got social service will put a block on it every boyfriend I got they will spilt us up straight away because I am incapable of friendship and love and happiness I know different but you can't argue with them people you can't most people who know me in person will tell you what a kind and loving person I am but social service don't think so because my file got mixed up with someone else

Rosie_Scope

I'm really sorry to hear that @dream. Everybody deserves love. I'm sure you're no different and I'm sorry you feel lonely so often. I know it's different to having friends in real life, but I hope the online community can help you feel less alone sometimes.

Do Social Services explain to you why they don't want you to see certain people?

dream

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/952147#Comment_952147

My file got mixed up with someone else years ago it time my dad was furious with this so called social worker had messed up my dad wanted me to make friends but this 1 saed I was a danger to people this girl who he was going to see don't go around hitting and attacking people wish I don't I can't hurt any 1 it's not in me but they don't think I am capable of friends or love or kindness I know for some people don't understand autism and adhd I'm like every body all I want to be is accepted and wanted

Rosie_Scope

I'm really sorry to hear that @dream, that's a really tough situation to go through. I can totally understand why you and your family might be angry about it. Could you or your dad perhaps ask for you to see a different person at Social Services so you could start fresh? Maybe someone new would be more understanding.

You deserve love and acceptance as much as anyone else and I hope you are able to make some friends in the future.

dream

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/952173#Comment_952173

I wish I could ask my dad but he passed away he did like my mom and sister my dad was my protector just it minute social service sniffing round I'm nervous around them

Rosie_Scope

@dream, I'm so sorry for all your losses, that must be really tough to live through. I can see why you might be nervous around Social Services too. Hope you're coping okay with it all today 💜

dream

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/952204#Comment_952204

'im ok today thanx

dream

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