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I'll never find a partner because ____

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66Mustang
66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
Does anyone else ever have a super negative way of thinking about the idea that maybe they might not find someone who wants to be their partner??

I keep thinking things like "I'll never find a partner because I don't have a job" or "I'll never find a partner because I'm not a typical manly alpha male" and stuff like that

I learnt to think positively ... like, if someone demands that their partner has a job, would I want them to be my partner anyway??! :D 

But it's hard to keep the faith

I recently had a big epiphany moment though, because, I know of some people in real life who are kind of like me - i.e. a bit shy/anxious, not aggressive alpha type males, gentle people, stuff like that ... they have partners and genuinely seem super sweet and happy together ... I used to be kind of sad/resentful/jealous thinking why can someone with similar things to me find the special person for them but I can't?? But then I realised it's because I kind of haven't really tried yet (because I haven't been able to) so how can I say I've "failed" to find someone :D 

What's more I realised it's actually a positive and reaffirming thing, because it proves that having issues or being like me doesn't have to be a barrier, and even people who are more "gentle" and stuff can still find someone special

Can anyone relate? Or share any words of encouragement??

Thanks :blush:

Comments

  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 517 Pioneering
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    @66Mustang

    Mustang, love is not a job application. It's about connection, compatibility, and shared values. Don't let the temporary absence of a job dim your light. You are worthy of love and happiness, and the right person will see that, appreciating you for the wonderful individual you are. Be patient, stay true to yourself, and trust that the right partner will come along when the time is right.
  • Ada
    Ada Scope Member Posts: 15,228 Disability Gamechanger
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    @66Mustang I am struggling to read some post. Or reply. Luckily I can see this. I’ve missed chatting with you on here. And who knows if this site will stop being such a pain and I can get back on properly. I don’t have any wise words for you. It’s all been said above. All I will say is as much as I have got to know you on here as well as being incredibly intelligent your also Full to the brim with empathy for us all. Your gentle and gentle folk will want to get to know you. You certainly don’t need any other type ego in your life like a Alfa male. Your oozing love and care and funny. And I really can’t wait for you to meet someone just like you. And fall for each other. After I give the ok LOL xxx
  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
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    Thanks so much to both of you @MW123  and @Ada

    I was worried no one would be able to relate and I really can't explain how much it helps me and means to me to hear such lovely words, especially from people who aren't family

    I know comments from family are still genuine but I kind of feel family have an obligation to be positive, but to hear positive things from people on here (and people whose perspective I really respect due to previous encounters) means a great deal :heart:

    Thanks again
  • JJinPA
    JJinPA Community member Posts: 34 Courageous
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    @66Mustang

    I was pretty timid in my youth.  Girls left me because "Your too nice."  I never had trouble finding girls, actually they found me.  It was keeping them that was tough.  But eventually.  Best not to try too hard.  Go about your business, but do your business where you might meet someone.  You need eye contact.  So step away from the computer now and then.  Get out.  Even if it's just feeding the ducks at the lake.  Some women just want a healthy relationship.  Someone they can count on for emotional support.  If they are looking for the money you wouldn't want them even if you had any.

    It will happen when you least expect it.
  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
    edited May 17
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    Thanks @JJinPA for the advice and experience

    In honesty I'm interested in anyone who is the right person, not just girls/women, however I would say I'm more often drawn to females but I have found guys that I liked for whatever reason as well. I don't really associate with any gender or sexuality myself, I'm just attracted to individuals - most relevantly to me is the personality and nature rather than a person's physical "form" or appearance as well

    But your experience is still incredibly valuable and useful to me, and thank you for sharing

    I TOTALLY agree about the money thing!!! If I did have lots of money, I would be actually tempted to pretend I didn't for a while at first, just to make sure I found the right person.

    I also agree about trying too hard but I think that's applicable to certain situations. I really want to make an effort FOR the other person, when I find someone, but I decided to not make any attempts to be someone I'm not, and just be myself, because that way I'll find someone who is more similar to me and who I can be myself around if that makes sense??

    Thank you so much for everything you posted though, that is a lot of little tips crammed into one paragraph there that might just make the difference 😊

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
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    Just one thing @JJinPA

    I'm probably overthinking and overworrying, as this happens a lot to me, but when you say people left you "because you're too nice"

    Do you mean that it is necessary to change yourself, and be a bit harsher, or do you just mean that someone will come along who is happy with you as you are?

    Thanks

  • birdwatcher
    birdwatcher Community member Posts: 48 Courageous
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    I wouldn't want a partner again. My last ,very much ex , boyfriend has turned up on my doorstep a few times but I'm not interested now. Looking back ,I wasted seven years of my life on that selfish, greedy loser. When I think back I can't believe I did that. Suppose you hope things will improve. But they didn't.

    I'm housebound now so obviously don't meet new people. It doesn't bother me, friends call in and I spend a lot of time on the phone

    I have one particular friend who says she's lonely even though her adult son lives with her.

    I'm happy with my life, enjoy being single. And I'll never be lonely while I've got my dog

    Maybe some people are better on their own? Or maybe I'm just an anti social miserable so and so!😄😄

  • Lou67
    Lou67 Community member Posts: 7,657 Disability Gamechanger
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    @66Mustang

    It’s great to see how your thinking has changed it’s so positive and that’ll always get you far.
    As for meeting someone I’m sure when the times right you’ll meet a lovely person to be your partner and they will be so lucky to have you, as your such a kind caring person that has a lot to give.
    I truly mean every word I say as I think a lot off you and the support you give not only to me but the whole community.

    ❤️

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
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    @birdwatcher

    We all have different requirements and desires

    Some people are happy being single and others want to love and be loved and stuff I think

    I wouldn't ever want to try to convince anyone otherwise, I think people have to do what makes them happy, and if you have found happiness than I am in turn happy for you 😊

    I don't think it's fair to think all relationships are bad though, or all men are the same, or all women are the same, or whatever, everyone is an individual I think

    I wouldn't call you antisocial for not wanting a partner, I know a few people who are super happy being on their own but they are not lonely as they have loads of friends

    Personally I just need one person who is really special to spend life with instead of several friends

    We are both "right" because we are both doing what's right for us 😃

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,201 Disability Gamechanger
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    Thanks so much @Lou67!!

    It seems we posted at the same time again so I missed your message, we keep doing that!! 😁

    Thanks for your lovely words, it really picks me up when I hear nice things, maybe I'm shallow or fickle but it makes a big difference and I appreciate it so much. ♥️

  • Lou67
    Lou67 Community member Posts: 7,657 Disability Gamechanger
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    @66Mustang

    Yes we definitely keep posting at the same time (great minds think alike) 😂

    Aww I’m so pleased you appreciate the messages I send but you definitely aren’t fickle or shallow sometimes we just need to hear how other people see us. ❤️

  • birdwatcher
    birdwatcher Community member Posts: 48 Courageous
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    Hi Mustang. That makes a lot of sense about doing what's right for us. Horses for courses and all that. One thing I did miss when my long term partner passed away was late evening having someone to talk to. Nothing life changing either, stuff like, ' there was nowt on tv tonight was there?'. Little things like that. Doesn't bother me now, he's been gone 24 years. My poor dog cops her ear bent nowadays 😄.

    Never settle for second best, you're worth more than that

  • JJinPA
    JJinPA Community member Posts: 34 Courageous
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    @66Mustang

    ABSOLUTLY NEVER EVER change yourself for someone else's approval. For one, it is then living a lie. For two, you are giving up on yourself. Just be you. There is someone to appreciate you how you are.

    As for gender attraction, we do not choose our preferences. Stay comfortable in your desires. The right person is the right person.

    I think common interests is the best foundation for a relationship. Pursue your interests and I am sure there will be others to share them. Conversation builds relationships. Attraction is like a ping of sonar. It alerts you to a presence but it is neither essential or lasting. A commitment between two people needs time and exposure to build.

  • hyancinth
    hyancinth Community member Posts: 78 Pioneering
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    I have zero interest in doing so, I feel Im way past all that and so insanely independant and soliitary. I also cannot trust (in all human contact)and have extremely low self esteem. I have had bfs but I destroy every singe relationship.

    Told you, Im a joy.

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