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Have I any option other than the streets?

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CropRotation1172
CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener

Hi,

My physical issues (frozen shoulders, lower spine problems, type 1 diabetes) are a major annoyance, but those do not cause my mind serious worry. However, my mental state is worrying me enormously. I feel as if I should be dead by now, and it's almost certain that I won't see 2025.

Diagnosed: ADHD, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, Depression

Highly Likely: ASD, PTSD, Self-Neglect

From 2017-2024, I went through something of a living hell, and from 2019-2024 I ceased to function.

My wife has a gambling problem, and every day from 2017-2019 it seemed as if money would either go walkies, or my children would need their 28th new pair of shoes that year. She had £175 cash to spend, and I paid every bill. The school was a 2min walk away. Left me with no expendable income, and when it got to May 2019 I was almost certain that I was bankrupt. My father is obsessed with debt. No credit, no loans, and my mother had to hide having a catalogue. I lost my mother in 2012, and because of my wife's spending, and the threat of bankruptcy which is published in the newspapers, I started to take overdose amounts of insulin. After 2-3mths I broke down, and I handed finances over to her. She would give me £40 a month to live on, and I'd have to feed myself with this for a week after the benefits came, while she threw the rest into fruit machines down the bingo.

Then we had a clearance of old stuff from the flat. My wife's father was jailed for raping his two step-daughters and their friend. I ripped up the paper, but we never had a shredder. The drink and drug crazed woman downstairs went through the bin, got hold of a torn piece of paper, and I was targeted as a paedophile. I locked myself in the corner of a room for two years, until we finally got an emergency house move... to a place a five minute walk away, where it became clear that everyone knew everything. The place had the same local schools, so of course they did. I couldn't recover. I was in a mess.

So my wife got sick of me, and at the start of April she played games with a damaged mind, and there could only be one winner: "If you don't go now, your kids will be on the streets."

I ran out of the house, in freezing temperatures, in a t-shirt. I thought that if I went to Homeless Services, they would take my seriously damaged state of mind into account and help me find somewhere to live. Then again, I've never filled out forms or dealt with the state in my life, and I had no idea how few houses there are. Similarly I didn't realise that my mental issues don't matter, and that there's nowhere that I can possibly ever live.

And it has also become crystal clear to me that I don't want to live without my wife and kids. However, she's managed to get Social Work to ban me from going home, because I shout if I drop something valuable, or if she reprimands the kids and they ignore her three times.

I've been on a recliner chair in my friend's living room for 10wks, although it has been broken up a lot, as I've been hospitalised six times due to me making attempts on my own life (3rd April, 24th May, 14th June, 16th June), diabetic ketoacidosis, two failed bronchoscopies, a collapsed lung, and pneumonia. However, we had a conversation last night, an overdue one, and clearly I've overstayed my welcome.

My initial registation with Homeless Services was made in a smaller town, where I had been living, although I left there five days after being made homeless. They kept offering me places that were almost certain to be fatal. I know that they can withdraw their services, sooner or later, so I transferred my Homeless registration to a city where there is a housing crisis, so that I cannot be offered a flat.

Because of what happened at the flat where I got the emergency move from, I know I'm incapable of living in a shared building such as a tenement. Similarly, I'm terrified of junkies and alcoholics because of my time there, and this has caused me to refuse ten offers of accomodation.

2 x Hostel in old town (junkies)

1 x B&B in old town (junkies)

2 x Flats in old town (shared building, could be anyone there)

1 x Flat in town next to the old one (shared building, could be anyone there)

2 x Hostels in city (junkies)

2 x B&Bs in city (junkies)

So I'm now thinking that I'm either days, or a couple of weeks at most, from being on concrete, and I've already spent time on the streets. My insulin can't be stored, but I'd kill myself anyway because of the terror in my mind.

My only long-odds chance is to return home, and my name is still on the tenancy agreement. I won't remove it. I haven't been able to find a 1-bedroom house anywhere, and as far as I know no such thing exists.

Would the state refuse to allow me to go back to my own home, knowing it would kill me?

I can't even speak to anyone from Mental Health. I registered with them on 4th April, but I don't know if I'll live long enough to get an appointment, let alone go to it.

My kids are 12, 9 and 6. They need a daddy, and their daddy needs them on a daily basis, from after school to bedtime.

This can't go on much longer. I won't last five minutes on the street.

Comments

  • Jimm_Scope
    Jimm_Scope Posts: 3,597 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @CropRotation1172, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and that is putting it lightly I think. We've sent you an email to see what support we can offer you. Please do keep an eye out for it.

    They/Them, however they are no wrong pronouns with me so whatever you feel most comfortable with
    Online Community Specialist

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    Opinions are my own, such as mashed potato being bad.
  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    Thanks. I'll have a look when I get up.

    I have to go where my demons are tomorrow, for a meeting about kids I'll never see again. Half of me wants to ask to go home, but the other half knows what a refusal would do to me.

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 3,226 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hope your meeting about the kids went as well as possible @CropRotation1172. How are things going today?

    Rosie (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    The plan was to go there, get down on my hands and knees, and plead for my life to be spared.

    On the way out, the phone beeps - "I need you to take your name off the tenancy today." - and 95% of me was saying go back to bed, but I'm in no position to waste time, so I still went.

    Got there, and she requested that I accompany her to the school afterwards and spend time with the kids. However, when Social Work decide you're not thinking clearly enough and land you with an Advocate, and that Advocate is positioned between the two of you, it's best not to answer, "No, because it would increase my chances of death this week exponentially."

    Then into the meeting… and because one person failed to show up, they decide to postpone it. A full week of hell knowing I had to go there, and all for the promise of a second helping.

    Lost my bank card on the return journey

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 3,226 Disability Gamechanger
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    Sorry to hear that @CropRotation1172. It's frustrating that the meeting had to be postponed after all you've been going through. I hope it goes ahead okay next week. Is there anything that you enjoy doing that could take your mind of things for a little while? I'd understand if things feel too difficult to do much at the moment.

    And sorry that you lost your card too, that must just add to the stress. Have you managed to contact your bank to get it all sorted?

    Rosie (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    Sorry I've gone quiet, Managed to pull my head together a little after days of complete and utter crisis due to being alone. Ended up unable to sleep because of the panic and eventually caved in and lost two days. Had an appointment today with a charity named the Marie Trust, but I don't know how long my blood sugars were off the scale. Woke up feeling sick and had to take extra insulin and drink a lot of water. Feel guilty and awful for letting them down.

    Told Social Work last week to stop bothering me, because I just want to fix myself and go home. I'm waiting for two operations just now and it's really stopping me from improving myself as I have junkie teeth and can't be taken seriously looking like this. People keep trying to sell my valium in the city centre.

    When I got up there was a message from my wife telling me I need to come and pick my stuff up. I've nowhere to take it, and it means a lot to me. Computer, turntable, vinyl, CDs, books.

    Feel I'm losing weight too. Went to the food bank but all I could use was tuna and bread. I haven't even got it in me to cook or anything. Can't remember the last time I washed or shaved, and my clothes are filthy.

    Honestly don't want to die, but I'm scared I might. I can't live without my wife and kids because I don't want to and I can't move on.

    Scared. Terrified. Confused. Feeling physically sick too. Just broken.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community member, Scope Member Posts: 1,252 Pioneering
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    Hi, I hope you go back to the Marie Trust for help and support - they sound amazing from what I've just read. They will absolutely understand why you missed the appointment!

    I'm really sorry you're in a crisis and I know the Scope team will email you out of concern to offer help.

    Do you have a GP and can you get a prescription for liquid nutrition drinks? Brain and body both need protein in order to function and allow sleep - that's when the body heals itself so it's vital that you get nourishment if you're unable to eat or sleep.

    A social worker can try to coordinate your care and recovery with the NHS and the Marie Trust who work with homelessness agencies so perhaps better to keep all your options open until you are resettled.

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 3,226 Disability Gamechanger
    edited July 1
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    Hi @CropRotation1172, sorry to hear you're still having a difficult time. We're popping you an email at the moment, but I hope the Marie Trust are being helpful and they can offer you some support 😊

    Do you have any friends or family that could help store your things temporarily while you're having a difficult time?

    Rosie (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    I have a GP. You have to call repeatedly at 8am to get through for an appointment, so I did this last week.

    Asked for a telephone appointment, as I'm really struggling to leave the house, and this is why I haven't seen the Marie Trust. Not only that, we're looking at six trains, and it takes around 4hrs in total. Where I am just now isn't where I'll be living, so there's no point in changing my GP just now.

    Surgery called back at 0830 - Basically, the doctor has an appointment for you, but you have to come here, otherwise no deal… so forget that.

    I had an Adult Services Social Worker… who promptly transferred me to an advocate, dumping me out of the Social Work system, although I am still involved with them through Children & Families with regards to a separate matter.

    Yesterday and today, I contacted the advocate, asking if there is any possible way that I can be put away for my own safety. I'm not washing myself, washing my clothes, eating, going out, anything - although I did eat yesterday and today because I told my friend just how desperate things were getting for me, and he put something down in front of me.

    No response from the advocate.

    Thank you, Rosie, although I very much doubt that the Marie Trust or Shelter or anywhere such as this can do anything for me in my current state.

    I actually contacted my wife yesterday, asking if I could meet her for half an hour prior to my Mental Health assessment next Thursday. The reason for this is how crushed I am due to the loss of my kids, who I can't see as I shouldn't have got up the next day after I spent 2hrs with them at least a month ago. I wanted her to tell me how they were, as she spends more time with them than anyone else.

    Got up today, and there was a message saying that she doesn't need to see me at all, and that I need to get all my stuff out of MY HOUSE, which I can't, as it would feel like game over and that'd finish me off.

    She believes that I've somehow abandoned them, when it's absolutely killing me to not be with them.

    So I called up Social Work, and I asked them to put me away before my friend goes away on holiday. I really don't trust myself to be alone, and I don't think this is bad judgement. Anyway, the Social Worker's off on holiday, and I'm to contact my Mental Health worker.

    I don't have a beeping Mental Health worker. All I have is an advocate, who has been allocated to me for about two months, and in that time he's ignored both messages that I've sent him, and I met him at the cancelled meeting and he said he was going to see Homeless Services, so that he could land me on my own and at risk of not making it through the night.

    I'm not hearing my diabetic alarms at night, and that's one thing that could finish me off, but just my mental state alone could do it.

    This can't go on. I can't deal with it, and I'm one divorce letter away from being found dead. I just don't know what to do, other than cry, which is what I do when I'm alone. I'm even overdosing my mental health meds because they knock me out, because I can only handle this hell asleep.

    So sorry. I'm beyond helping. I just don't want to kill myself because of what it'd do to my kids and my father.

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 178 Pioneering
    edited July 5
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    Hi @CropRotation1172.

    You are not beyond helping, there is help out there for you. I understand how things can seem hopeless and you are dealing with such a lot. We have to try and be strong even though it’s incredibly hard. I’m concerned about you overdosing on your medication to knock you out. I get why you would choose to do this but it is very dangerous and I don’t want anything to happen to you. Are you keeping your diabetes controlled?

    If you’re in crisis, please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You can talk through your problems with them. We are also here.

    Have you received our emails? Rosie and Jimm have each sent one to offer support.

    Are you alone now?

    Rachel (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Community member, Scope Member Posts: 1,252 Pioneering
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    Hi again, you don't need to change your GP. Just register as a temporary patient where you are. What's important is that you get appropriate support and treatment through primary care as soon as possible.

  • Lottie1732
    Lottie1732 Community member Posts: 125 Pioneering
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    @CropRotation1172

    I'm so sorry with everything you're going through. I'm sure the private messages from wonderful Scope must be helping you. Nobody else seems to be helping and you've done so much to find help and and met with quite a few blocks in the road.

    Your desperation is very clear in your posts - I genuinely think that you should cut to the chase and get along to A&E.

    https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

    on this page the NHS says "

    • you do not feel you can keep yourself or someone else safe

    A mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one. You will not be wasting anyone's time."

    Please do this.

    Your diabetic meds can be life threatening if not used as directed (I'm sure you know this of course). You need to refrigerate them? This alone should mean that you should not be on the streets! If you overdosed it's possible you would survive but you'd have brain damage.

    You can and you will overcome this. Everything passes and changes. This will pass.

    Take care and let us know how you get on.

    Lottie x

    (sorry if I'm a bit preachy or patronising! Hope you don't see it that way ☺️)

  • bookrabbit
    bookrabbit Community member Posts: 198 Pioneering
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    I just want to say that it will get better.

    I have been in a similarly dreadful situation and was homeless earlier this year after 5 years of having the threat of it looming over me and truly wishing I was dead. Short to type but seemingly endless to live through:( But it did end and most things are better.

    Accepting the situation you are in and asking for help are two things necessary to enable things to improve. Neither came easily to me. An understanding that you do best by your children by finding your feet away from them for the time being will help immensely. It does no one any good to stay in a place where nothing works. The rest of your life is a long time and if you make recovering and becoming a positive part of your children's lives in the future your goal you can get there.

  • Reddragon69
    Reddragon69 Community member Posts: 21 Listener
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    hi there, I just want to say I am sorry for all you are going through. You will have priority for housing due to having health conditions- you have diabetes and ADHD. My own son has lived a life similar to yourself through ADHD and not being medicated. He was very chaotic and could not help himself. He is on medication now. ( A brilliant, understanding Psychiatrist called Dr Christos Dimitriou in London if you need one down the line) but for now you do need support to help yourself. So you have a law centre in your area- they could possibly help you secure housing and other things such as contact with your children. My son went through that too, parental alienation. The law centre helped him to be able to have contact with his child away from the mother in a calm environment. Please take one step at a time. Don’t focus on everything at once. Try to make a plan of what you need to do step by step.

    Also, when you visit your GP - ask for the following to be tested as any deficiencies in these can exacerbate mental health symptoms and feel like you are losing it. Thyroid, iron and ferritin levels, vitamin D, vitamin B12, I would reiterate what has been said already here- you need to step away to save yourself- rebuild and become stronger and then you can focus on doing one thing at a time. You will not lose your children. The courts are very fair. It really is time to look after you first though. Good nutrition - you could have green smoothies and protein every day and that will make you feel better. I hope that you have got some support now. Take care

  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    I did something really stupid this week. In all honesty I'm ashamed of myself and it's left me terrified.

    My friend went on holiday, the day after I'd lost my meds when I went to a hospital check-up. I can't handle being alone, but taking away the ADHD meds - in the middle of a manufacturing problem - and I flipped.

    Tuesday night I was taking panic attacks. Calmed down, 500mg Trazodone at 8pm to knock myself out. Then I woke up and another panic attack at 3am. Calmed down, another 500mg Trazodone. Woke up at 3pm the next day with my blood sugar at 3.4 - It had been hitting the floor, I'd taken too much insulin as well. Toxic dose of Trazodone they told me at the hospital, where I was discharged after about 2hrs without any money. I didn't have my bank card. I didn't think they'd let me back out. I wouldn't.

    I freaked. Ran at a wall, jumped, and nutted it. Then police started taking my details. Checked me and it'd have said "Vulnerable" and nothing else.

    Hospital then offered me a taxi. I asked if I could go to dad's, 20 miles away, so I wouldn't be alone. They refused. Only gave me the taxi back to the empty house.

    Told my friend. I'm here on the agreement that I keep my head together. Now waiting on him throwing me out when he gets back. I'm knocking myself out, but I'm really tired. Just the 200mg dose.

    I can't do this. I can't be alone and there's no way out of it. I've kept it out of my mind all day and now thinking about it has me crying again.

    Please stop this.

    And social work called up. Some meeting about my kids. Do they honestly think I'm capable? I don't. And she isn't either, but I've got to lie through my teeth to keep them out of care. I'm so scared of everything. I'm broken. And they wouldn't even take me off the streets. I asked twice.

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 3,226 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @CropRotation1172, that all sounds very frightening, I'm sorry you went through it all. How are you feeling today?

    Would going to your dad's house be an option for you so that you're not alone?

    I'm going to send you an email today, so look out for that 😊

    Rosie (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

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  • CropRotation1172
    CropRotation1172 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    I can go to dad's overnight as an emergency, but not for a week. Problem is I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome and he is asleep for 10 and up at 6. Hears everything. If I as much as go to the loo, he wakes up.

    The constant worrying is so bad that my head hurts because of it, and the panic attacks are absolute hell on Earth.

    Of course i want to get better, but I've no family here and my friend's a busy man. Not only that, I've really soured things by what I did midweek. I can't get work because of the state of my teeth (waiting on an op) and just the general state of me. I've got Linux crawling on an ancient laptop. No computer, nowhere to listen to music, scared of myself, scared of everyone else, and scared of being alone more than anything else.

    I don't know if there is any sort of solution for me, and I know I can't stay here forever. All I can think about is being found on a pavement somewhere, because I have nowhere to go.

    That's the problem. I can't. This has now gone on for about 15wks. I can't stay here, dad won't have me, and I honestly fear for myself if I end up alone..

    Currently feel as grounded as I can and willing to consider any solution, just so that my head stops hurting. I only want to be safe, not be in a panic, have someone nearby if my head goes into a spin, and have my things.

    And I need to get better - for the sake of my kids, my dad & my friend.

    I don't matter, but they deserve better.

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 3,226 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @CropRotation1172

    Is your dad understanding of your situation despite the sleep problems? Would he be able to just let you come over and stay for a few hours so you don't feel so alone even if it's not overnight?

    If you're feeling really unsafe with yourself, it's important that you seek some professional help. You can get help for mental health crises at A&E, so please do consider going to your local hospital or calling 999 if you're struggling to cope. It might take some waiting, but it's worth it if you're then able to access some support.

    You absolutely do matter, so please don't think that you don't. It might be tough for your kids to see you going through hard times, but it's tough for you living through it too, so please try to be kind to yourself if you can manage it.

    Rosie (she/her)

    Online Community Coordinator @ Scope

    Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.
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Complete our feedback form and tell us how we can make the community better.
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