8 year old ASD - shared care difficulties

jay_father

Hello, I was hoping someone in the community may be able to give me some advice or have experienced a similar situation to me. I currently have a shared care arrangement with my ex for our 8 year old son, this was done through courts as i’ve been denied access from when he was small so i’ve battled through courts with his mum since he was 1. He’s recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Contact has been smooth and well up until the last few months where unfortunately my son experienced an incident at school where he was targeted with verbal bullying. Since then his behaviour has completely changed and he has been acting quite differently very hard to explain. However the concerning part is now he does not want to come over to my house. This has made handovers difficult as i’ve heard from his mum that he cries at night before my contact day and counts the days to my contact days with anxiety. He has now been saying he hates me and does not want to go to daddy’s house and he says i’m strict and bad. This is very heartbreaking for me as I think i’m anything but those things. I really really do everything for him, by him anything he likes, surprise him with things, take him out to do things he likes, takes him swimming, martial arts etc. his mum is very difficult to say the least she breaks his routine up by not taking him to swimming on her days etc. but I just don’t know what to do here. Recently over the past week or so she has completely stopped contact and says he is saying he doesn’t want to come over and he is really distressed. We’ve also got a holiday booked next week but she is not allowing that to go ahead. so i’ve had no other option but to enforce the child arrangements order so i’m waiting for that hopefully to be seen in front of a judge this week. Overall it’s very difficult as I really don’t know what i’m doing wrong here, I’ve tried a very calmer approach but he is still very distressed and doesn’t want to come over to my house. Has anyone had a similar situation? Or any advise would be really appreciated. Thank you all

J

Rachel_Scope

Hi @jay_father. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing. Have you been able to speak to the school about the incident? It may help you better understand why there may be a change in his behaviour. Have you been given information about his diagnosis? They are both difficult conditions for a child to deal with and his behaviour is clearly having a detrimental effect on you. I hope you don't think that he truly hates you or doesn't want to see you. It may just be the transition between your houses that he's struggling with. Ideally, the school SENCO should be helping you.

I can understand it's difficult having split custody, I'm glad you've gone ahead to enforce the childcare arrangements. You have every right to see your son.

I've just popped this in the families category so hopefully there'll be someone there that can relate to you.

Doris_Scope

Hi @jay_father

A warm welcome to the community. First of all I can see how difficult this is for you. I am sure all you want is the best for your son.

I agree with @Rachel_Scope.  It can be hard for a child to take on board a diagnosis such as autism or ADHD. Especially if he may have already been struggling.  With the bullying incident on top of that, it sounds as though a lot has changed for him.

Transitions can be really difficult for someone who has autism. The build up of anxiety and the changes, could mean the transitions are more difficult. Moving between households is a huge transition.  Again you mention lovely surprises for him, but at the moment that may be more difficult for him than you think.

Have you spoken to your ex so that you can make sure that strategies are the same in both houses? That can often help with transition.

It is often useful to keep a diary of any incidents or periods of anxiety that your son displays. Concentrate on the where, when, who and what of the situations. Then look to see if there is a pattern or any particular triggers.

Often children act out more with those people that they trust the most.  It could be that you are his safe space and so are receiving more outbursts.  Try not to take it personally, although I know that this is hard to do.  Often, children with conditions such as autism or ADHD, build up and up. Then the smallest trigger means they act out in a way that is often distressing or hurtful.  It doesn’t mean that they are doing it on purpose.  It often means that they have no control at that time. The Newbold Hope website is really useful for information on extreme challenging behaviour. It gives advice on how to help before, during and after an outburst.

Have you had any advice since the diagnosis on strategies that you could try to put in place in the home to support him?  The National Autistic Society is a good place to start for advice.  They may also be able to guide you to some local services in your area. 

Another good site is  ADDitude which is an American ADHD site.  You can sign up for free and receive information on webinars as well.   If you prefer a UK site, try  The ADHD Foundation.  Again, if you contact them they may be able to guide you to local services.   

No matter how difficult it is, remember, he loves you. Sometimes it helps to think that when he is telling you he hates you.

I hope that the information is helpful and that it gets easier to support your son.