I feel like I’ve lost my Dad

marmitelover2000

For context I’m 20 years old. I have a genetic disease which tends to get worse in adolescence and early 20’s (mito) although I’ve had mild symptoms all my life. I also have L2 autism which I have had all my life but as it is, development usually stops around age 12. (Although my intelligence and language abilities are good 😁)

Now I’m on a feeding tube, can barely get out and about etc. that’s fine.

What’s hurting the most for me at the moment ( emotionally ) is the realisation that I’ve lost my Hero and Best friend: My Dad

He used to take me swimming every weekend and we would spend time together.

He would take me to athletics competitions to compete. He was so enthusiastic and even signed up to be an official for England athletics so we could enjoy the whole day at competitions.

He took me to lots of museums and sparked an interest in science in me. I would ask him countless questions and he would spend ages answering and teaching me about the world. How encouraged creativity and curiosity.

As I said He was my hero and best friend.

That was until I was around 14ish when I became too unwell to ignore.I had lots of hospital admissions and we grew further and further apart.

I can’t be in a room with him for more than 5 mins without him being annoyed with me. I know it’s because he is stressed. He bares some kind of resentment towards me and my illness.

He doesn’t do too well with family life and left my mum. He still is very involved with me and my siblings. He just seems distant.

I know it’s selfish but I just want my Dad back. I want the super smart superhero that makes me feel safe. I want the man who I would run to when I felt unwell. (Minus the throwing up on him)

I just want a hug from my Dad

I cook for him and buy him presents and talk about his interests, nothing works. He seems to get on great with my other sisters.

I know this is dumb. It’s just been keeping me up all night.

Sandy_123

@marmitelover2000 do you think talking to your dad about how you feel might help. It might get him to open up about it all too

Binky1234

@marmitelover2000 I'm so sorry and your post was so moving and written from your heart, I actually had to stop reading as the tears were streaming down my face.

Maybe you could write him a letter basically what you wrote here. He might not understand just how you feel. What I like about a letter is you can go back to it, no misunderstanding as its there in black and white for your Dad to read and reread if needed. Honestly your words spoke from your heart and I could feel your pain and I'm a stranger on a forum and if it melted my heart I'm hoping it does the same for your Dad, but please brace yourself for all outcomes although I do think your words will build the road to getting your hero back sweetheart.

BTW it's not selfish to want your Dad back to being hero!

marmitelover2000

I wrote it on paper and I’m gonna give it to him today. I did make some edits so it seems less critical. I don’t want him to feel attacked. It’s not his fault, it’s because of the burden I put on him. It’s understandable and he has done whatever he can to keep me alive. It’s just not my Dad.

Lou67

@marmitelover2000
Hi I hope you’re ok as Binky said your post was so moving. It was so brave of you to post your thoughts and feelings.
You had an amazing relationship with your dad and I really hope you can that relationship back with him soon.
You’re an amazing young person that comes across so well I just wanted to come on and wish you well and I hope it all goes well with your dad.

I’ve actually got a tear in my eye now to so I can only imagine how your dad will feel reading your letter.

Take care ❤️

Binky1234

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/891518#Comment_891518

What a beautiful letter from the heart ❤️

I wish you all the best in this first and important step and I've got my fingers crossed for the outcome you truly deserve. If I were your parent, I would be so proud of you and the wonderful person I see before me.

I personally don't think I was as mature as you at 20, infact I know I wasn't.

Jimm_Scope

Hey @marmitelover2000, this took, and will take, a lot of courage to do. Whatever happens you should remember that. I hope you get the dad back that you remember, let us know how it goes if you are okay with that.

Also your handwriting is lovely, mine is a scrawl unfortunately.

Cantilip

@marmitelover2000 I'm nearly crying. That is so sad and so lovely. I so so hope it works out

Sandy_123

Good luck @marmitelover2000 well done for reaching out to your dad

Jimm_Scope

Hope you're doing okay today @marmitelover2000! No matter what happened, know that we are here if you'd like to chat about it.

marmitelover2000

Thanks, I'll see how it plays out over the next week.

It backfired slightly because My dad thought it was a suicide note.

He got scared and went through my room and then called my GP to get me referred to MH services.

At least this shows he cares about me.

We'll see what happens now.

I explained everything further to my Mum and she agreed that she also feels like she lost him.

I'm hoping she'll explain it to him because she had a part in contacting my GP.

I have no intention to end my life ( now). I even bought myself a nice green Aran Jumper from Vinted the other day that I plan to wear when I can go to college again ( at £5 was an absolute bargain) 😁

Rachel_Scope

Oh @marmitelover2000 I'm sorry he misinterpreted the note. It seems that it may have brought you and your Mum closer as she's having similar feelings to you 😊

Great bargain on the jumper! Just got into Vinted myself and it's so good. What will you study at college?