Adpotion

ella1992

Hi all this is slightly not benfit related how ever I could do with some advice so my daughter was adpoted years ago she's now 13 iv had contact with her adpoted parents everything been fine ect iv been sending pics of me and my son since she was 10 or 11 anyways sadly I had message saying she's unsettled and not to send anymore pictures for the minute I'm really confused about this upset as all time iv sent pictures of never had this iv also had picture of her recently also but if the adpoted mum knew it was unsettled her why show her Firstly any advice would be great full iv been told I'm not to blame for this but I feel though I'm am

Jimm_Alumni

Hey @ella1992, I moved this to the relationships section as this is about your relationship with your daughter.

I think it's difficult to be adopted. There's probably a lot of emotions in her head, especially at the age of 13. Looking at it from her point of view, I wonder if she is internally asking things like "Why did she give me up for adoption but not my brother?" perhaps. It's possible the adoptive parents did not know it was upsetting her until she told them it was, which is when they told you.

Does she know why she was put up for adoption? Even if she knows the reason, it is entirely possible she still disagrees with it. It's not an easy thing to go through, for either of you.

ella1992

I'm not 100% sure what they have told her she was adpoted at 7 months old that's thr last time I see her Iv had letters box contact for a very long time untill 2017 I didn't hear anything then about 2 or 3 years ago I had a letter from my daughter her self wishing to hear from me every couple of months the adpotion unit then sent email to her adopters on some sort of clarity then I heard nothing untill her adopters sent me a photo of her recently and I have been sending her pics of me and my.son for years now then all.pf sudden adpotion unit said today the adopters want to keep it to once a year only and not to send any pics of me or my son as she's fining it unsettling so iv had mix emotions in this aswell because I still didn't get no clarity on this letter she had sent me witch adopters knew but they never send any clarity so I'm wondering if I can seek any legal advice on this as I'm seeing it as she wants to see me but maybe they aren't allowing her to I don't no it would be good to no if anybody has been in kinda same situation so I could get some advice plz

Jimm_Alumni

Is it not possible that she maybe doesn't want to see anymore? I know that isn't a great thought, but is it not possible? You could perhaps try writing a letter to her to see what the reasons are before seeking legal redress?

ella1992

They still want me to write 2 times a year but them only once I can contact her next year now as I had one begin of July

ella1992

And it could possibly be that she doesn't want to see anymore maybe

chiarieds

Hi @ella1992 - I was adopted as a 6 month old baby a long time ago; my parents had always told me I was adopted. I agree with much that Jimm has said from my personal perspective (tho I really wouldn't go writing your daughter a letter at the moment if this is going against her adoptive parents wishes).

I would have been about the same age as your daughter, when, one day at school, a girl in my year went around asking, 'were you adopted?' & I said 'no,' like everyone else. I felt so ashamed then, & when I told my Mum later that day, but she said that it was fine, as I had no reason to give in to another child's curiosity.

Much as I loved my adoptive parents, I really felt awful that I hadn't 'sort of' stood up for them, as they simply were my parents. Your daughter may also feel 'torn,' tho perhaps in a different way, & I'm sorry this has also caused you upset.

For now, I think you can only be guided by her adoptive parents, who will have her best interests at heart, as I'm sure you do. Her adoptive parents are legally her parents, even tho you gave her the gift of life. Once she's an adult she can choose what she wants to do, & it seems her adoptive parents are certainly not discouraging your contact even tho it might be a little less just for now, & things may change.

When I first became a Mum I certainly wondered how my Mum could ever have given me up, & felt like that was the moment that 'my' family started. I can't find another word to describe it, but 'belonging' has became so important to me over the ensuing years; my children, grandchildren & my great Grandson are everything to me. I 'think' not knowing where you 'belong' can knock your confidence, as I've found.

I never met my birth Mum, tho, because I lost my adoptive Mum just before I was 22, I didn't think I could face losing another Mum. This is another part of the conundrum; it's difficult having 2 Mums…

I did eventually research & find that my birth Mum had died in her late 50s. I was likely given up for adoption as she was an unmarried mother at the time when much stigma was attached to this. Also finding that I had a genetic disorder made me wonder if this had caused her such difficulties that she couldn't look after me; I'll never know; I think I always gave her excuses….

I do think it's great that you've had contact with your daughter; please go at her pace & that of her parents, even if it's hard for you. I do wish you all the best.

ella1992

I never gave her up she was taken away view social services because of my mental health and domestic violence bye her dad she was taken away at 5 days old I had contact up till she was 6 /7 months old I then went back and fighter again appealed agasint the court anf still they wouldn't give her back :( I will just stick to twice year writing letters and once for them

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/895541#Comment_895541

I think her age has alot to do with it hormones finding her way in life could be anger but at some point that could of happened even if she had the best up bringing being adopted could be the elephant in the room maybe in the situation let her find herself she will go through all manor of emotions good or bad you can let her know your thinking of her teenager years are so hard for some she needs to feel what she feels as a child we have no say she could rebel or she could need time she trying to adopt her own personality who she is one-day whens she older could be different I understand you want to make sure she's OK g

ella1992

I do understand and she was always asking about her brother my son now adpotion unit think it's best not to mention him but he doesn't live with me I see him couple of times a year it's all very confusing I got told once adpoted that's it till there 18 didn't expect a letter from her at age of 10 is very young then no clarity for years then all sudden this

Catherine21

That's a hard one to advise maybe when she's a bit older give you time one-day to build a relationship with her my heart goes out to you must be incredibly painful have you got support and people who can advise you the best for yourself and your daughter x

ella1992

Iv never had no support of social services the fact they took her away iv been broken since 2011 then saying I needed therapy one years worth of cat therapy nhs only gives 22 sessions had notjer baby 2015 same happend there my sons the only one I see he's 15 now