You Are Not Alone

TheManFromLondon

50+ and all I made in life was enemies and isolated myself.

The brain, I always speak about it in the third person, I cant change it, how it makes me talk, or understand, or interpret things.

At 50, its not about an effort anymore, willingness or therapy, or medication, I am full and loaded with all of it, and hardly manage to survive the day.

Like Hulk, I have a "days without an incident" board. It mostly stay on a single digit, regularly between zero and two.

I pick fights, or fights pick me, I never figured this out. And its not only with people, humans, animals, bugs, but also things, sometimes things that do not exist.

My medication makes all better for the best part, but not when I engage with someone, and they are all over the place, but it doesn't matter, I am always alone.

50 years of loneliness. Like a prisoner in a cell made of bone, my own head.

I hate people, not because of them, but because of me, I cant stand them, and all my dreams are somehow, well… were, all dreams of the kind that requires collaboration. What an irony. I wanted to be a Cinematographer, and the very thing that gracefully give me all the ideas, the inspiration, my muse… my brain, prevents me from making it real, because I need to do so with those other people who never understand me, humans, who make me, hate them. Can you see God smiling?

Sometimes, at my lowest, I close my eyes, and think of other people, like me, who are alone, at 50 or 60 or any age, and I send a vibe to the Universe, no matter if they are on this or another planet, on a couch, on a bus, on a bed at a hospital, at a funeral, under the rain, under a building a bomb hit, a thought, for them all, that they are not alone, that when they feel that nobody cares about them, I am here, anonymous, invisible, alone, thinking of them.

You are not alone. And maybe, I am not either.

Be well.

Catherine21

Can relate 52 awaiting adhd test and I'm definitely autistic but been diagnosed with bpd bdd and other things I am a only child so the whole of my life I'm in my head I had parents who didn't nurture me I got no comfort in thier company and thats how relationships friendships are for me great mental energy feeling I'm being drained just trying to do the normal things cant wait for people to go so I can retreat to my room so for last 10 years I stopped total isolation when I feel scared worried alone I deal with it alone I'm lonely but I can't stand company small talk the lot was OK when I was drinking thought I was great talking crying sending nasty txs and with all the things of changing welfare reform second guessing has made me really look at myself whats my capabilities and it's 0 trying to think of ways to help myself and people don't believe you when you say I cant do what you do I could do it for a week then I just crumble hide turn the phone off literally shake with fear my brain wasn't made for this world I can mask pretend for a will then it slips to say I feel absolutely useless is an under statement even my writing poor my memory retain noting I don't even know alphabet no matter how I try it's OK when I'm hiding no bad things happen but when I'm back out in society I will act up and really Sabotage myself pls excuse rambling