Unsupported husband during illness

Pickle72

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to express how I’m finding my husband being so unsupportive now that my mobility has been affected by a neurological condition.

I had a good life full of working in a very demanding job. One day at work I lost feeling in my left side.
Despite trying really hard to show my employer what I could do from a desk, I was dismissed due to incapacity to do the job I was employed to do.

My husband has never fully appreciated how frustrating not being able to walk as well as I did, I can’t walk far but I try my best.

Lately he’s been blaming me for ruining his life because I can’t do the things we both enjoyed.

When I read this out loud I know that our marriage isn’t in a good place.

This evening my husband said in front of his family that I can’t do anything and that he’s been forced to move into a bungalow.

Luckily his brother said that he’s thinks I cope really well despite the multitude of illnesses I have.

My husband walks ahead of me, says I’ve ruined his life. Been generally very hurtful.

I wonder how to manage this. Gut instinct is to run away (well hobble off slowly with my fancy grey NHS walking stick).

Anyone else experiencing this?

Bluebell21

Hi @Pickle72 I am so very sorry you are having such a difficult time. I have not been through this myself but my friend has, so I have some understanding.

I am sure you are still coming to terms yourself with how your life has changed, and you do not have a choice of walking away from it.

It might not be the life either of you would have chosen but it is what you now have, and with a bit of adjustment you can still have a good life just different to what you might have planned.

Are you able to discuss how you are feeling about your situation with him, and his lack of support.

I think you need to put yourself first and decide what you want for the future and how you can manage to get the support you might need.

Please take care of yourself.

Pickle72

Ah thank you so very much Bluebell21 for your very supportive and kind reply.
Made me feel so much better just to express how I’ve been feeling and your reply has boosted me up.
You are so right that life is different but with adjustments we can still enjoy life.
I showed my husband what I had written and he apologised and said he’s lived in fear that my condition would suddenly worsen. He feels useless seeing me struggle. He wasn’t able to express himself well when he needed to show empathy.

Let’s see what this chapter in our lives bring.

Thank you so much for the really needed wise words.

I will take care of myself as I’ve been through a lot. You take care too. Thank you.

Agnia

Hi Pickle72 , i would like to write to you that im really sorry that you are going through such a difficult time alone and you do not receive support from your husband at a time when you need it the most.
i was married to a man who always supported me especially when i was unwell, but i know what its like to feel rejected by family members and when you need their help and support and you dont get it,

Please, could you think about how to talk to your husband calmly and very honestly, sit down and just tell him from the heart how you feel and about your feelings and about your life together , and please think how to take care of your future, and maybe you could consider contacting one of the UK institutions supporting women - Women’s Aid ,

Please take care of yourself as best you can at the moment and i do hope that everything will work out well for you in your life.

Kind regards to you.

Pickle72

Thank you Agnia,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m truly grateful for your support.
It is lovely to hear of your supportive husband but also sad to hear about the family rejection. Can’t life be complicated. You are at your most vulnerable when feeling unwell so kindness goes a long way.
My husband can be very concerned and kind but has been equally hard on me because of my inability to function the way that I did.
I have shown him what I wrote here and he’s taken it in and looked saddened.
He’s purchased some gifts for me but I’m not interested in those. I want someone who doesn’t huff and puff and complain when I need to rest or want to sit down when out and about.
Let’s hope he changes but more importantly I need to change too, not allowing him to affect me. Then I can live life in a way that I can manage without pressure.

Thank you very much for taking time to reply and I appreciate the support.

Take care of yourself too.

Agnia

Hi Pickle72,

Thank you so much, it’s my pleasure , yes i agree with you when you are feeling unwell the most you need support, kindness, understanding and help from people close to you , My ex husband always supported me when i was unwell , and i was his whole world to him , but we are not together anymore.
i really wish you all the best and that everything will work out well between you and your husband, Please stay safe and take care ♥️

Kind regards.

callyfox77

Hello @Pickle72 I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you, I am personally finding it so hard to adapt to becoming physically disabled as it is! I'm chipping in from the position of recently separating from my wife after we have struggled to find a way to come to terms with the "new life" caused by my disability secondary to nerve damage. I'd say we are still friends at the moment....

Everything you read about adjusting to disability emphasises how important it is to access as much emotional support as you can, especially from close family. Yet there are also suggestions that a higher rate of marriages fail after one person becomes disabled than would otherwise be expected, so I don't think it's necessarily rare.

When you become disabled, both you and your partner have to adjust and my partner became emotionally overwhelmed by the situation when it became apparent I was not going to recover my previous mobility. I've found it such a self esteem destroying experience and very isolating. I feel ashamed to talk about it because I think people will assume I became a nightmare to live with.... And I really didn't. But that's another story!

So my advice as you move forward and see how things progress is:

1. Keep checking how you are feeling about the situation, how much it is getting you down or stressing you out and access support elsewhere if you need to. It doesn't sound to me like your husband was treating you with the respect you deserve and that's not ok. Don't keep quiet!

2. Be willing to tell him how you DO want him to behave, not only what you don't like. That gives him something more concrete to go on and it is a case that actions speak louder than words.

3. Be aware of how much support etc you have elsewhere and what parts of your relationship you are still happy with. If you are generally happy and feel loved and special still, you might be willing to put up with the odd bit of huffing and puffing without it being a deal breaker.

4. Avoid getting into frequent repetitive arguments that don't result in solutions.

Take care of you, you so deserve that. Our worth as a person is ours to guard fiercely. It isn't something you earn by doing or pleasing others or something that other people can take away or 'bestow' on you. It is YOURS and yours alone.

Pickle72

Dear callyfox77,

Wow thank you so much for posting your reply. The emotional intelligence I’m getting in reply is off the charts and I’m so grateful for the support.
I’ve read your message several times and although I don’t like the idea of anyone else struggling to adapt to a new life after illness/injury it is the empathy that shines through and the honesty that I appreciate the most. So thank you.

I will endeavour to follow your advice, it is helpful and sound.

I am lucky to have some very supportive friends. My husband will buy anything I need but I often need just some emotional intelligence and empathy. It goes a long way.
It is difficult for me as it is as you’ve eloquently discussed to get used to the new life.
I wish you the very best and I really appreciate your kind reply.

I appreciate every reply that I’ve had and I’m passing this support to a friend who’s just lost her good health and can’t work in a job that she worked hard to get.

It’s all about loss and new beginnings.

Good luck to you and take care.

callyfox77

@Pickle72 it is no problem at all.… And thank you for such an accounting reply, it meant a lot. And any other questions, feel free to reach out to me, I have read sooooo much all the emotional development stuff and if I can pass it on to anyone else, that's a bonus. Sending you all good vibes