Hi, my name is Waylander! Looking for insight and support for my autistic adult son

Waylander

I'm joining here because my adult son has autism, severe depression and is awaiting an ADHD assessment. He has been a virtual recluse for the past 9 years since he left college. He found the transition to the post education world too hard and has managed one very short period of work which left him shattered for weeks afterwards. He has friends from college who he meets up with very occasionally and does enjoy trips with his dad and myself to some events and on holidays, but has consistently said that he has been depressed for as long as he can remember and dislikes the world and everything in it. He has tried 3 different medications for depression so far, none of which have helped much. He lives with my husband and I and I have tried everything I can think of to support him but really don't know what approach is best. It's very painful to watch a clever, kind person struggle so badly, especially when they say their life is unpleasant and they wish they'd never been born. Looking for insight and support, thank you.

Rosie_Scope

Hi @Waylander, I'm really sorry to hear your son is struggling. As you mention, it's awful watching someone you love go through difficult times when you can see the wonderful person they are. Nobody deserves to feel that way.

The National Autistic Society have a few branches across the country. Some of them offer support groups for adults or family members, perhaps that might be worth a look: National Autistic Society branches

Has your son received any therapy for his mental health beyond medication? I know the therapeutic offerings from the NHS often centre around CBT and many Autistic people find CBT challenging. Would private therapies be an option for your son if he'd be open to it? I can totally understand if it wouldn't, financing these things can be really difficult.

I've popped your post into our section for Autism and Neurodiversity where I hope some of our members with similar experience can share some advice and support too.

anisty

It's positive that your son can leave the house for some limited activities.

I think it's baby steps to try to rebuild some confidence and connection with the outside world.

One of my boys went through something similar but i got to him faster - i took him out to the same cafe for breakfast once a week. This became a familiar routine and the staff got to know us (we went on cafe opening so it was quiet and easy)

I got him some charity work in a local charity shop volunteering. This did a wonder for his confidence.

He later was able to get a paid job in a take away hut place so he's out now every day working and talking to people.

He has a first class engineering degree but you just need to go slow from volunteering work and build up. Keep it simple and manageable.

Good luck

Waylander

Thanks for your responses. He has tried CBT and not found it helpful. I have encouraged him to try therapy (yes the private route is open to him and is on offer from us) but he has not taken it up so far and I think it's only beneficial if wanted. My son has a generally negative outlook (not sure how much is depression, but he's always been that way) He will occasionally decide that he is going to do something to help himself however it just fades away with nothing actually happening. I have tried both offering to help and just making encouraging sounds and leaving him to take the lead and neither has any positive result.

I have engaged with services in my area but my son was diagnosed privately and rejected any support for a long time. I have suggested finding voluntary work etc. but he will not engage. It's not so much that he can't engage in the world (although he finds it very stressful, he can mask very well) but that he really doesn't want to. I have never been sure how hard to push as he has expressed suicidal ideation in the past and it also just seems to make him dig in harder. What do you do when someone doesn't want to try?

anisty

I totally get how difficult this situation is for you. It might be worth him re-visiting the GP to make sure he is on the right anti depressant.

A light box could be of help if there is a seasonal aspect to the depression.

Some of the way he feels is likely to be coming from a huge lack of self esteem, social anxiety and a paralysing fear of managing adult responsibilities.

Has he a Granddad, Uncle or have you a male 'mentor' patient friend that could take your boy under his wing for a while?

This is a strategy i have seen succeed - someone to take your lad fishing, help out on a bit of DIY, fixing things.

You know those male kinds of hobbies where you lad could learn something rewarding with no pressure and in an environment that allows that talking space.

This is where a great granddad really comes into his own! It's that patient and worldly-wise, non judgemental, non-critical man you want for this task.

Not always easy to find! But if you can, it could really help build your lad's self esteen and just offer that hand hold and reassurance.

It isn't easy though.

Waylander

Hi @anisty,

Thanks for your suggestions, appreciate you taking the time to write. I think you are right about the male mentor, unfortunately his grandfathers can't fulfil this role as my dad died some years ago (my son liked him very much, but my dad was quiet and socially awkward himself) and my father in law is 93 with dementia. My brothers in law are not the right people for the job and geographically not close. I can't think of anyone who might fit the bill right now, but it is food for thought.