Suicidal Thinking

Venus_Cee

I'm completely housebound due to agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD and depression. Been this way for over 30 years now. I don't leave my home at all. I have a husband, two sons both married and five Grandkids. I stopped speaking to my sons and their wives, two years ago. I get to see three of my five Grandkids off one son, when it suits him and his wife. I don't see the other two at all. My husband is no support at all. He hates me having anyone at the house. He's miserable and a control freak. We celebrated our silver wedding anniversary a couple weeks back and it was pathetic. No cards, gifts, wishes. Nothing. It was just like any other day. I don't trust him as he had a year long affair 30 years ago which I can't forgive him for. He shows me no love or understanding. And doesn't care that I struggle with my mental health. I have ONE friend who I see now and again. I used to have two but the other one couldn't care less if I never speak to her again. Done nothing to her, she just doesn't come to see me anymore. My mental health is going daft at the minute with negative thinking but it's all true things I'm thinking, not overthinking. I have a therapist who rings once every three weeks, barely gives a toss what I tell her and I can tell she's just wanting to get rid of me. I don't like speaking to the doctors cos, well basically, nobody cares. I'm on the bottom right now and have no way of escaping because I can't GO anywhere. I'm trapped. I'm isolated. I have nobody I can talk to that can help me. My life is a waste of time. Bored to tears with the same **** day after day, feeling unloved and unwanted and a massive burden. I need to interact with people but don't want to have anyone feeling sorry for me or pretending to care when they don't. I struggle with social phobia too cos feel judged. On top of all that, I have fibro and have spent the last few days in bed, feeling like everyone would be better off if I was gone. I can't get to meetings, therapy, or any kind of counselling. During covid when everyone was trapped in their homes, I was included with online therapy, classes etc. But since everything's gone back to face to face, I'm not included in anything. Basically been left to rot. I have nothing left to live for. I'm 56 and been mentally and physically abused my whole life. First 16 years by a mother who hated my guts. And the rest of my life by a husband and family who couldn't care less about me. What can I do? Who can I talk to that will try and help me? thanks.

Rosie_Scope

Hi @Venus_Cee, that sounds like a really difficult situation, I'm sorry you're having to deal with all that and are finding yourself so isolated. We've popped you an email today so please look out for that.

I've mentioned in the email, but have you had any social prescribing before? If not it could be worth seeing whether they can help with anything:

NHS England » Social prescribing

Is your therapist through the NHS? I'd totally understand if it's not possible as finances can be really restrictive, but would private therapies or counselling be an option for you? Some therapists see people online via zoom or phone call.

I know it doesn't help with the isolation factors, but are there any hobbies that you're interested in or anything that you might like to learn about? Sometimes I found when I was isolated that getting stuck in to learning about something was quite distracting and gave me something to focus on.

It's a really tough one but I hope the community might be able to come up with some ideas too. Please feel free to rant away if you need to.