Hi, my name is Yonner1314!

Yonner1314

This is hard for me to say, but here it goes ; Halo 'S e Domhnall an t-ainm a th' orm

Or in English Hello my name is Donald, I’m an originally a grumpy northerner. But have lived in the East Midlands for the last 13 years.

Since I drew my first breath in 1983, it’s fair to say that my life has been like the Himalayan Mountain Range, with obstacles and challenges placed in my way.

I was born 3 months premature, had to have my heart restarted, I weighed as much as a bag of Sugar and within 3 days I had been christened. Over the coming months and initial years I was diagnosed with Spastic Cerebral Palsy, then my parents were told that I I wouldn’t walk or talk. Well at 3 going on 4 I started walking and talking against all odds.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD and Autism to, so that was another label as they called them in the dark ages! I was lumbered sadly with parents who were not very understanding of my conditions, my mum felt forced into having a second child, my Mum said to a social worker would people think of me as bad if I give him up, my Dad chose to work away from home on long distance wagons, he was emotionally abusive, controlling and had a temper, my Mum was battling her own demons of being diagnosed with as it is called now, Bi Polar Disorder and attempted Suicide.

I was very difficult to look after as a wean, I found the world such a loud, harsh, challenging, dark, foreboding thing to navigate. I had huge difficulties in coping with severe swings in my emotional and behavioural characteristics that it meant both home life and school life suffered greatly. But above all as I look back now, I was a very scared little boy, who didn’t know how to control his mental health and physical health disabilities.

I initially went into a nursery, then main stream infant school both of which I couldn’t cope with and so I was sent off to my first special needs school. But again due to the intense environment at home alongside challenges at school, I was admitted to a children’s psychiatric unit / school at a children’s hospital by my parents, social services, education department and also health professionals. It felt so cold being there away from my family and I was terrified but yet somehow knew it was the right thing to do. At 8 years old I was sent to mainstream junior school after my release, only to sadly have my Grandad pass away a month later which still cuts deep today, almost 34 years later.

I just couldn’t control my destructive, disruptive and frankly uncontrollable behaviour both at school and at home. I used to run away a lot after bust ups with my parents or sister. I was often treated differently at home to my sister, I would say I was the Black Sheep of the family or the Pariah. A few times I actually ran away back to the children’s psychiatric unit where I felt safe and didn’t want to go home. I struggled through Junior School, my headmistress, teachers, social worker, education department and psychologists were all of the same opinion that I shouldn’t make the step to mainstream senior school, but rather go to a boarding school for people with emotional, behaviour and learning difficulties. But my parents were adamant that I go to mainstream senior school, but true to form I again struggled for the 12 months I was there until I was kicked out. But during that time my paternal grandfather passed away who I was very close to and it still hurts today nearly 31 years later. It was then at this point that my father decided to sever ties with his mum, oldest brother and twin brother. We stopped being a family from the death of my Grandfather which as you can imagine for someone close to both of his fathers Grandparents was a huge unsettling thing for me to process and navigate. Then chuck in my Mum sitting me and my Sister down to say that her Mum had come back into her life and then say in the next breath that she had terminal cancer was another very very hard thing to take.

For me though I found being at home a very dark place to be, I was never praised, always told I was doing wrong, I was hit with a hand or slipper if I stepped out of line, If I swore a bar of soap was inserted into my mouth or fairy liquid was squirted in. I was always angry, had an explosive temper, I was always trying to get my own way, I was always having temper tantrums and after a big argument with my Mum I physically put a tv aerial around my neck and threatened suicide. When your having an episode where all your emotions are at war with your parents, is your father putting you in the car and driving you to a police station car park and threatening to leave you there! I never had any friends, I would often be bullied by my peers at school or the neighbourhood kids, it’s probably why I chose to always isolate myself in my room with a book or playing with my toys. I was often farmed out to a family in the city close to us for respite care so as my family could have a break from the stress of looking after me!

I would say that the most stable part of my child hood was being sent to a boarding school on the boarders of Lancashire, Yorkshire and Cumbria. This was a hugely beneficial move away from my home town and family for me. As the teachers and care staff gave me a stable platform to come out of my shell, taught me life skills, cut down on the amount of children in the class, we learned how to drive cars and ride motorbikes on the school field, did a lot of outdoor pursuits at a campsite on Lake Windermere, it is because of this school that I later carried on my love for walking and camping. I still say if asked where would I call home, I often say the village my boarding school more than the town I originally grew up in. I would say if I hadn’t of gone to that school I would of ended up dead, or in a life crime and drugs.

Instead my behaviour slowly stabilised and balanced out while at school, but if so was home on a weekend I was farmed out to my Dad’s brother, his wife and there daughters to go shopping around town. My Mum was begging social services for funding to keep me at the boarding school every weekend and school holidays, looking at it with fresh eyes today, I do wish my parents had given me up for adoption. Again in my first year at boarding school, my Nanna passed away which hurt to say the least.

Somehow I managed to attain my GCSE’s up to a Grade C & D in English when my parents where told I wouldn’t be able to do them or amount to anything! I was often always told, you can’t do this or you can’t do that, you can’t do that because you have flat feet or your health conditions.

When I left school I went down the route of Youth Training Schemes where I attained after a lot of hard work two NVQ’s in Horticulture. What helped with this was a decision I was given, do you want to go and work on the council or do you want to go down the private sector route of private gardens, nursing homes and a large chemical plant working one on one. I went with the latter option and still have fond memories of my time on the private sector.

But despite all of my success my parents, never really clicked with me and nor did my sister. I would again over a twelve year period isolate myself in my room watching my tv, playing on the computer or just sleeping. I could just do nothing right by my Dad, even when I had to work for agencies for work and would often have periods out of work, he would always be on at me to get a job or if his back was playing up he would say your coming to work with me at night, he would often make me do all the gardening at home, being emotionally controlling and emotionally abusive towards me if I said no! His idea was just to get out of bed in the morning, put the tv on and expect my mum to look after him, hand and foot.
I would often take my mum shopping, take her on trips to the Lake District, go with my mum, her Auntie and her Cousin to both York and Scarborough for my 18th and 21st birthdays. I was very close to my Mums side of the family, I felt more akin to them, often visiting my great aunt, having a brew and something to eat after helping her with the garden, visiting my Auntie, Uncle and Cousins who I got on well with. I would often on occasions go and watch Stock Car Racing with my Uncle and his friend, as you can imagine very special memories.

I was denied the time to go and say goodbye to my Dads brother after I left school and me my sister were forbidden to go. Six years later we lost my other Uncle in a hit and run and got to say goodbye to him and it was the first time me and my sister had seen my paternal grandmother for a number of years. I visited her a number of times on my own taking flowers, it feels so loving when my Grandma said to that residents this is my Grandson. But that wasn’t to last as due to my Dad’s brother and his family upsetting her, that they were told they were barred from seeing her via her solicitor. The way my father handled it was for my Mum to come into my room and say when we had found out that she had died was to tell us if we had any respect for my father we were not to go to her funeral, yet the brother and wife that upset her went! Still angers me to this day.

I gradually made a couple of friends through working as a Gardener and on an Agency started going Camping and Walking, fair to say that was always where I treated fairly and as an equal.

When I was working for my local council as an Apprentice Estate Ranger, it’s fair to say it was a challenge as I was a square peg in a round hole, didn’t fit in and was often bullied by one lad until I was bullied by the team leader into handing in my notice. But I had the last laugh, I was told I was going working on the parks team for four weeks to work my notice. I told some lads I knew, who then had me repeat it to the manager about my treatment on the countryside team, next minute I’m stood having a discussion with the head of Parks and Countryside who was angry about the way I had been treated, told me if I could work hard for the next four weeks that there would be a place on the parks team for me. Fair to say the next two and a half years working on the Parks as a Gardener was the best job I have ever had and miss dearly.

Still life was always brutal at home, I could often go weeks without saying a word to my Father, both him and my Mum wasn’t happy when I met someone online in the East Midlands and would often go on weekends to visit her and her kids, then when I dropped the news that I was leaving home and moving to the East Midlands, my Fathers reactions was to say, who will care for your Mum while I’m at work at night! I left home under a dark cloud, severing ties to my parents, but also cutting off there financial gain of £450 a month in rent!

Between 2007 & 2011 due to my Sister falling out with my Mum’s side of the family I was forbidden by my Mum from seeing her family which broke me. I sadly had to say goodbye to my Uncle and Godfather in 2011 who like my Great Uncle and Cousin I get my love of Classic Cars from.
Once I moved to the East Midlands I sadly lost my Great Aunt and also my Auntie on my Mums side of the family, I was told they had passed by my Dads Brother who ironically I had turned to after the bust up with my parents. I was told that I wasn’t welcome at there funeral’s so never got to say goodbye. I later learned of my cousins passing in 2021 via Facebook. As in 2015 after a shocking visit to see my family and my parents reentering my life, I had no choice but to sever all ties to my family for the final time. In October it will be ten years since I have seen them or been back to my home town.

I had to walk away from my first ex wife after being together 16 months as she was emotionally abusive and controlling and like my father had a temper to match! Her children were very difficult for me to look after and form a bond with.

I bravely stayed in the town I had settled in, because I had found a job I loved doing which was as a Support Worker for people with Mental and Physical Disabilities. I seemed to have found my niche working there as I could relate to those I was looking after, I worked as a Support Worker for eight and a half years.

Shortly after leaving my first wife I rushed blindly into another relationship and yet again meeting online 🤦‍♂️ but I’ll say this I was treated as an equal, with love, compassion and it just felt right being with my second girlfriend and later my second wife. I was welcomed warmly by her family, I was called Son by her Mum and me and her Dad just got on well, both her and her sister dreaded us being together 😂 I always called my second ex wife’s parents Mum and Dad. I’ll be open and honest my ex wife’s Dad was more of a Father to me over our time together than my own Father had been. But I had blinkers on, for she used to lie to me a lot, hide things from me, was demanding, I was always terrified when bailiffs banged on the door due to my ex wife’s poor money management or having messages from the landlady about her not paying rent and we were in debt. She would always say I didn’t tell you due to you always being like this….
I was always getting angry about it and being confrontational.

From 2015 my Mental Health declined, I hurt my ex by saying I don’t want Children due to how volatile and unstable I was. As you can imagine with someone who had been through a miscarriage she could never forgive me. Even though we ended up getting married and were happy. Cracks gradually began to grow larger and larger as both of us pushed each other away while both battling health issues and also work issues. Then in 2023 my ex said she was spending a night in a hotel to get some space and be alone, she sent me a message to say she couldn’t do it anymore, that she was going and seeing her best friend and then coming home. My life crumbled, I self harmed with my nails, packed a couple of bags, kissed my dog goodbye for the final time and then took myself to hospital and volunteered to be admitted to hospital as I was intent on committing suicide.

After nursing her for over four weeks during the Pandemic, then with me going back to work as a Support Worker during Covid, something inside me just snapped and I crumbled, I just couldn’t function or comprehend anything! I’d suffered the first of my breakdowns, I attempted suicide, only to be told by the crisis team that if I felt like self harming to flick an elastic band on my wrist or crush an ice cube in my hand. Over the next three years and four months my Mental and Physical Health went downhill. I spent that period sleeping on the sofa due to an erratic sleeping pattern. My ex wife was supportive of me, but due to my Mental Health I wasn’t Supportive of her. But she kept putting demands on me such as you need to come to bed more, we need more intimacy (my Labido had gone south with the Penguins) that we needed to do more as a couple etc. She then started to screw with my mind by saying “oh I’ll be done if we split because you own 90% of the stuff in the house”! I would spend some nights awake washing and drying her work uniform so she could get to work for eight in the morning, sit and have cuddles until she fell asleep in my arms, I would often administer medication for her health conditions or ring ambulances for her. I would always beg her to get help for her own mental health which she just shrugged off with, I don’t need to speak to anyone, I don’t need to go on tablets or I’m happy when your happy!

After I admitted myself to hospital I was transferred to a mental health unit in a large city in the East Midlands, where when I told an OT about my ex’s demands she told me to stop and turn things around and look at it from a perspective of, do you think she was doing more damage to your mental health, I was like sugar your right! Then when my ex went public on Facebook about us splitting, she had the cheek to put - Mental Health had claimed another victim and I’m walking away for my own mental health! Which not only angered me but also the OT and Staff I showed it to as I had just broken and was angry.

I am going to keep this next bit short, but over the next nine months I went through 24 hour supported living to living for six months in a very disruptive multi occupancy house with 3 hours of Support from a Support Worker, to having to change my address five times, was classed as homeless, changed GP four times, had five different roofs over my head in 11 months, I also changed my name legally, changed my appearance as well, changed email address and phone number to.

I now live alone independently in a Supported Living Flat, I have blocked all phone numbers of friends as I got fed up of being the one to reach out, yet nobody could be bothered to reach out to me, I have deleted all forms of Social Media, I have a sticker on my front door saying I wish to remain private and reclusive. I have very scant contact from the outside world, as I’m writing this it’s been another period of of not leaving my flat for four weeks, I just have no confidence, if I do have to venture into town, I use my AirPods as a way of blocking out the world by listening to music or talking books. I literally stick to a set routine of places that I visit in town and try to keep my time there to a minimum.

Due to the decline of my physical health, I now use a walking stick both inside and outside of the house, I have grab rails installed, I have to use a Stairlift as I’m in a second story flat, I have to shower, wash and shave sat down on a stool. I am on the waiting list for counselling, I have yearly check ups with the local mental health team, I have been referred to a social prescriber (who I’m yet to hear from) I’ve asked to be added to the learning disability register, I have also asked for a referral to the Social Services Mental Health Team and also asked numerous times for a referral for an Advocate who can speak on my behalf and help me with appointments. I have put in coping strategies such as I have been learning Scottish Gaelic as a way to help take my mind off things for a short while, some days I’ll just take myself back to bed or some day I’ll just stay in bed watching stuff on my tablet. I am going to see if I can get a handy man to decorate my flat, then when that’s sorted I can adopt a suitable breed of dog who can become my Assistance Dog and help me rediscover my confidence and the world itself. I’ll also be looking into adopting a small parrot for company as well alongside my dog.

I have chosen after having my heart ripped out and stamped on but also looking at my own fragile health, that I’m just going to remain single until my last breath. I’ve put in place a pay per month funeral plan, I still need to find out how to both fill obtain the forms, find a solicitor, find legal aid and register a lasting power of attorney for my health, personal possessions and my finances. Especially my pensions which I have set up to go to charities close to my heart should anything untoward happen to me.

Battling Spastic Cerebral Palsy, Osteoarthritis, Long Covid, Asthma, Acid & Bile Reflux, Eczema, Cognitive & Balance Issues alongside ADHD, Autism, Depression, Anxiety and Borderline all make life challenging day to day, especially when Hadrian my Inner Chimp comes out to join the fight. Chuck onto this the multiple medications I have to take each day, just to get through it.

But I’ve been fighting since my first breath and I’ll fight until my last breath.

I have made mistakes, made the wrong decisions, acted when my emotions were in control, I have learned now to just shut the door to the past and try to move forward as best as I can. I do carry a heavy burden and a lot of regret, but I can never forgive myself or make peace with my past, it’s something I’ll have to live with until I’m finally told enough is enough, you’ve done the best you can and it’s time to ring the bell for the final time.

We all fight our own demons in our own way, we are not broken, we don’t need fixing, we just see and feel the world in a different way to other people, some days are shiny, other days are as black as a moonless night. But we shine ✨ all the time because we are Survivors, Warriors and have overcome many obstacles over our lifetime.

The Government may be trying its hardest to break us at this time, by going after the vital money that we desperately need to survive and live an independent life. The way they are going about it is plain wrong and an infringement on our human rights! It is going to lead to an increase in people dependent on 24 hour support more often than not in there own home, many will end up in a care home often having to sell there house or personal possessions to pay for there care, there is going to be a huge increase in people being made homeless, many people will end up in mental health units or worse still go down the route of taking there own lives because they just can’t take it anymore and speaking from a personal perspective, the latter would probably be myself. The Labour Government just do not want to hear our voices or our opinions, to them we are just a burden on the state!

I have battled since my first breath, danced with the reaper for over 30 years, I get to a point when I go into a dark place where I ask him to take me on the highway to hell, but he keeps saying it is not your time yet, you still have a lot to give, I’ve over come every obstacle and challenge put in front of me but I’ve overcome it, I have things stored in boxes in my mind, I take a box down and work on that, then move on to the next one along. I just find it hard to say to myself - your a kind person, you have a very big heart, you do belong here, just keep going one minute at a time.

I have been following the teachings and philosophy of Lord Buddha and The Dalai Lama since 2010, I believe when my time comes my body will be but an empty vessel and I’ll be reincarnated into the next life as a Sloth in Costa Rica.