House share with family and my sensitivities to chemicals and fragrance

Sunflower15

Hi! 👋

Wondering if anyone can relate or advise on how I deal with this situation please.

I live in the family home where I lived with my Mum who we lost 6 months ago. Both my sister and I are beneficial and looking at ways to maybe share living in the house rather than selling. It is 3 bedrooms and it would be me, her, my 19 year old niece who is autistic and then during university holidays our sons (one each). She understandably wants to be free of renting a home and we either sell or share.

Anyway there is a history of me not being able to talk about my needs from my various conditions and yesterday as we had got advice about mortgages (as there is a mortgage on the house) and discussing how we could make the space work for us all, I plucked up the courage to mention my sensitivity to chemicals and fragrance. It is much improved which I explained but I still can’t tolerate things being sprayed in the home space and I just wanted to have a grown up balanced chat about it as I am anxious about it and sharing.

Please note I rarely mention my needs but always listen to hers and try to find solutions (eg financial difficulties and what she wants to do regards the house).

She said it’s not fair as if she becomes homeless that is more important than this issue. Of course I wouldn’t have her being homeless and I understand the legality that we share this house! This is how she responded before a few years ago when I tried to address it when it was much more severe, she told me then she didn’t care and she’d come when she wanted to and wouldn’t have conditions put on her, which is not what I was saying I simply wanted to ask her not to wear strong perfume. She now blames me for stopping her visiting Mum which isn’t what I did. She assumed that and wouldn’t talk about it.

Anyway that’s the history and today she has messaged to say her hope has gone, she’s triggered and it took her breath away that I mentioned the fragrance issue yesterday and needs space as she feels she has nowhere to go and is a nervous wreck.

I wonder how anyone here would handle this as I definitely don’t want conflict I try to avoid that by not speaking my needs but I end up in such an anxious state being scared because I haven’t said what is important to me.

I have replied to say I didn’t meant to take away hope. I raised it as it’s important to me and am also nervous because of it and I will give her space and sent love.

It all feels very petty and I can’t believe I’m typing this! I do understand it feels like I’m putting conditions on her but I’m not I just hoped we could discuss things like this that are important to sharing a living space.

Also, yes I have air purifiers.

MW123

@Sunflower15

I’m really sorry you’re facing such a difficult situation, especially while still grieving the loss of your mum. It’s clear you’re trying so hard to hold everything together, looking out for your sister’s housing needs, your niece’s stability, your son’s housing, and your own health. That’s a lot to carry, and you’re approaching it with so much care and thoughtfulness.

Your request around fragrance sensitivity is completely reasonable. It’s not about being difficult, it’s about managing a genuine health need. Everyone deserves to feel safe and well in their own home. I imagine your sister’s reaction may be coming from a place of fear or uncertainty about her future, which is understandable, but it’s still important that your needs are acknowledged and respected too.

With everything that’s already happened, and the emotional weight involved, it might be really helpful to have some clear, respectful agreements in place before moving forward with something as significant as a mortgage. This isn’t about setting strict conditions, it’s about creating a foundation that supports everyone’s comfort and wellbeing.

If your sister isn’t willing to meet you halfway, it’s important to take a step back and consider whether entering into a shared mortgage is truly the right decision. Your needs matter just as much as hers, and committing to a joint financial and living arrangement without mutual understanding could lead to far more stress and conflict down the line.

This is a major commitment for all of you, and it’s essential that it works for everyone involved, not just financially, but emotionally and practically too. Taking the time to have honest, respectful conversations now can help protect your relationships and ensure a healthier, more sustainable living situation for all of you. Wishing you and your sister all the best. xx

Steve_in_The_City

@Sunflower15 Chemical Sensitivity is a difficult condition to live with, but it is manageable. However, the people you live with need to be aware of your condition and should be willing to make changes to their lifestyle to accommodate your needs. It can cause ructions between family members because they simply fail to understand that you are unable cope with chemically based products that they use on a regular basis. I had seriously bad arguments with my partner but he then realised that MCS is a very real affliction and it isn't something that is "in my head."

One problem that I have come across on more than one occasion is that someone who is only slightly sensitive to certain products (in my case bleach) continue to use products that are ultimately going to prove very harmful, as those products start to affect the person concerned. You then become sensitive to more and more products and your health rapidly deteriorates and the next thing you know you have full-blown MCS and you react to everything. There is no help available from the NHS; you are completely on your own. You won't get a diagnosis either, regardless of what some people believe.

https://mcs-aware.org/

Sunflower15

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1013508#Comment_1013508

Thank you so much for your really understanding and balanced reply. Your point about entering into a mortgage agreement is so helpful and I think this is the point I was coming to after tussling with it all inside me yesterday. That if we can’t have calm, balanced and respectful conversations about such things there isn’t much hope of feeling secure enough to agree to big borrowing and therefore sharing a living space and feeling safe enough to do so either. I think I’ve been hoping it could be different but that’s not accepting how things are. Like trying to fit the proverbial square peg in a round hole.

If those respectful conversations aren’t possible going forward then like you say about a good solid foundation won’t be possible.

Thank you for validating how I’m feeling as I feel both upset and guilty for raising it. Really appreciate your reply x

Sunflower15

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1013525#Comment_1013525

Hi, thanks for this.

Yes not getting diagnosed is such an issue - my GP didn’t even write it as part of my conditions in a recent letter appealing about care funding (another topic!) and calls it my mental health.

This has been the issue with some family as they just don’t believe it’s real. And because I’ve improved it’s then seen as me ‘using it’ when convenient I think because they have ignored and not witnessed the intense suffering I was in when severe for years and also the hours of holistic therapies I have done for years now (and the cost involved) to reach the point of improvement. But I am still affected and had to raise it. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time too and glad your partner is understanding now.

Otteline

How will you manage space wise when the sons are home? Sharing a mortgage is a huge responsibility and quite difficult to untie if things go wrong. Although it would be easier and comfortable to stay as you are, if your sister cannot understand your health issues you may be better selling the property now. It may enable you to have a good relationship with your sister in the future.

Sunflower15

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1013612#Comment_1013612

Thanks for your reply!

The idea was to utilise dining room and lounge as bedrooms when sons are home or mortgage a bit more to convert garage. But since posting we have come to the agreement that it’s best to sell. I think my expressing my needs was a catalyst in realising it just would not work and also with help here I saw that the joint mortgage situation was not something I was prepared to do.

It is a big step to have to sell and find somewhere and will need a mortgage myself to afford something small but peace of mind and private space for my well-being are vital! And like you say to maintain a relationship with my sister.

Thanks to you and all for helping me!! 🙏🏻🙂