relationship advice :(

smileysun

Hello,

I need advice.

It's so hard to give context from both sides, but I am going to try my level best here.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year, yesterday I walked out and came to my dad's house feeling desperately unsure and sad.

We had real healthy love initially, yes, we argued, but we handled the arguments with resolution. I struggled with feeling the space wasn't mine, so we switched up the kitchen so I felt in control, we switched up the bedroom so I had places to put things, any issues that came up, we came up with a solution and we acted on it- or he would say lets make a plan, he needed help instigating that plan though, and perhaps this is where I faltered.

I would criticise and I would forget to do things, such as put the toilet roll back and wipes as I promised, and I'd receive a text saying he's unhappy with that.

I explained when I reached home that I was sorry, but I was in a hurry and that is not something I could help, he said okay I understand, so he is willing to listen.

Anyway, fast forward 2 months, he loses his job ( and doesn't tell me ) and his mother develops cancer.

The arguments are more turbulent, they blow up. Unfortunately, I was in a meltdown and hitting myself, and he restrained me. He also called me - stupid girl - I asked why, and he said, You're not stupid, I'm sorry, I just don't know how to deal with it.

Then, another loud argument. He is in the way of the doorway, he melts down because I'm not the best at communicating, and I probably make it worse, I try to move him from the door whilst shouting in his face, and he pushes me.

I explained that this cannot happen again

We argued again, similar circumstances. I came home mad, he's explained to me on a few occasions, when I ignore him for a day ( this is how it feels to him ) he feels he's expected to be okay and he can't cope with the not knowing. But I continue to shut down, and I will admit at times I do it because I'm just annoyed with him and I want him to know it :( ( this is something that I am working on )

I came home, I said - I don't want to talk, I just want to go to bed. He came upstairs and repeatedly said, Tell me please what's going on or go, it turns into a meltdown. I stay quiet because I can't cope. he is pleading with me to tell him, I don't, I can't speak. He pulled me gently off the bed, slowly but to move me from being stiff. Whilst I'm crying and won't move when he is pleading with me to move ( for an hour ) he eventually gets mad and says, How do you expect me to respect this?

I came away to my dad's for space. But I'm frightened, I don't understand what is going on here, I can't see whether it's PDA, if he's struggling under immense pressure, if I'm at fault, I need help to figure this out :(

I love him, but I can't go back if it's abusive. My dad assured me he doesn't think it is and he supports me no matter what I do, and if I do choose to give it another try there will always be a bedroom for me here.

I have explained this on several forums, and they believe it's abuse and narcissism. :(

Because of how he deals with things- I e

We went on a walk, I felt quiet and I didn't want to speak due to fear of being annoying, ( he said in the past you don't have to ramble and speak about random things, we can have comfortable silences, or he just seems discontented in what I'm saying '
The thing is, depending on my mood, this either bothers me or it doesn't, which is why I believe I'm also at fault

I explained to him probably poorly," when I speak, you just get annoyed with me " This agitated him, and he said he felt im being vindictive. So I got upset, and we were in the supermarket, and he said - I wanted to come alone anyway. So I explained he could have told me this, and he said - you shouldn't have presumed.

One thing led to another, and he got mad and said - You're never coming to a mystery shop again, you always embarrass me. :( I do tend to just walk away and flee when I'm upset because I don't know how to cope, in this situation I just instantly turned away and walked off from him.

He said I'm not communicating by text anymore, but if you'd like to meet with me to talk, I'd be up for that; otherwise, I don't know what we're clinging onto- people say this is abusive

I can't see the forest for the trees here :( I'm so upset, and I'm not sure I'm making the mistake of a lifetime or I'm just scared in general

I love him

I need help figuring this out :( before I crumble