Edinburgh man lifts lid on dating with a disability: 'People are so scared of offending you'

Lucy_Scope

From Edinburgh Live

‘It took me 27 years to consider the idea that I could date people'

Calum Grevers is on a mission to show what it’s like dating as a disabled person, in the hopes of knocking down the assumptions he believes is stopping people from broadening their horizons.

The 31-year-old, who has muscular dystrophy, is urging people: “Maybe just question your idea of who your potential partner may be. What I want to do is make people more open-minded and more willing to explore dating disabled people.”

He also crushed some popular myths about dating disabled people, like being their partner means you’re a carer, asking questions is offensive and rejection needs to be handled with extra care. Although Calum noted that his preferences don't speak for all disabled people.

So far this year Calum has been on one date, where his potential love interest showed up two hours late and endless rescheduling has stopped them from seeing each other since. Unfortunately, this type of ‘subtle’ rejection alongside being stood up and ghosted is common for him.

The disability consultant said: “I think some people are scared to reject me because they think I might be more sensitive. But I have a disability…I’ve been rejected a lot, I can take it! I’m less sensitive than other people, perhaps, but it’s just easier to ghost instead.”

He told Reach it wasn’t until a few years ago that he even started trying to date: “When I was younger I believed people like me didn’t have relationships or couldn’t find them. I only started trying to look into that part of my life when I was around 27.”

It didn’t help that the hook-up culture, which dominates many people’s early 20s, isn’t very disability-friendly, both physically and mentally. Calum explained: “Clubs are an issue, but also people's houses (might not be accessible). It just felt like something that was impossible, it was outside my frame of reference.”

Not that this type of relationship is on his radar anyway, as Calum’s looking for a long-term partner: “Because it’s so rare to find someone enthusiastic and open about dating me, I think that person is worth keeping.”

ating apps had their own downsides too, often bringing out the worst in people: “Most of the time I just don’t get messages. When you do, some people are just trying to insult you. Making fun of my disability, saying I’m Stephen Hawking or their perceptions of my dating abilities.”

Turning his efforts to meeting people face-to-face, Calum encountered an entirely new set of barriers: “People don’t take the time to get to know me. I might spend an hour with somebody chatting with them and the rejection’s straight after that…They don’t actually understand what they are rejecting.

“There are a lot of assumptions about what that relationship would be like, and they’re so worried about offending you. I think that’s a problem in the UK specifically, we want to be polite, but I think that’s a barrier to understanding people who are different from you.

“That’s what I want people to know; you can ask questions! I’ll help you understand as long as you’re asking in a non-judgemental way. The easiest thing is to just spend the time getting to know a person and the rest will reveal itself.”

One of the biggest misconceptions is that dating a disabled person means you’ll be their full-time carer, which Calum confirmed is definitely not the case for him: “It doesn’t reflect reality.

“Disabled people still contribute to relationships in an equal way, maybe not the same way, but it’s not a passive relationship where you’re my carer. I have people supporting me, I live on my own in my own flat.”

While Calum continues his search for a partner, he believes more awareness, open-mindedness and accessibility could make the hunt a whole lot easier. He said: “It needs a cultural shift, making people more comfortable and normalising the idea that disabled people want to achieve the same things as everybody else. More accessibility would make a big difference, increasing the number of people I can interact with.”

Hayls20

A lot of this resonates from my recent past!

Ranald