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I don't know what to do. Elderly mother.

vapegirlclouds

Hi Apologies for any errors I'm visually impaired.

I'm my mums carer. She has carers 3x a day & I go every day.

I change her catheter bag, do her diabetes monitor make sure she's in the right position etc.

We've done POA & have a joint bank account.

Mum has been having memory problems, she's bedbound. She randomly sat up a few weeks ago then couldn't remember. The carers told me.

Ive been doing this almost a year.

My nephew is an addict & my sister enables it. Tgey can do no wrong in my mother's eyes.

Ive uncovered abusive messages my nephew sent to my mum & mum has sent him thousands of pounds over the last few years.

II Pay for my mums phone. On the weekend nephew used the phone to download snapchat & he did a drugs deal where he ordered drugs, again using mums phone i pay for.

I sent him a message stating grans phone wasn't for snapchat or drugs deals & sent it to my sister.

She responded that it was just for e liquid I should get the facts so I sent her the screenshot & she replied I should have dealt with it & not told her.

Nephew said ominously not to text him again & he'd be seeing me soon.

Mum has asked me to stop phoning people. I haven't & she's told me to just stop.

I Said its my responsibility to safeguard you. She went mental & said ill go to court to stop poa.

We're waiting for capacity assessment due to her memory. She already has brain lesions.

I have all the transactions where she has sent him money. Its thousands.

If I stop what I'm doing to care for her she'll have to go in a home. But it's killing me.

She would clearly rather I stop & continue giving money etc.

She lied about me a few weeks ago. Said the fact I bought wipes & shampoo caps out of her money made her direct debits bounce. When she had given nephew £200.

I have a phonecall with gp this afternoon.

I don't believe she has the capacity to manage anything financial. Her direct debits keep bouncing as she's giving the money to nephew.

I asked her not to give phone to nephew & she said she'll try in a snippy tone.

She can recall times tables & not if she's sent money & not conversations. The carers have noticed my sister in law has noticed. But when sister speaks to mum on phone mum says she's fine when she isn't.

I just don't know what to do.

Mum was abused by my dad for years & always protected him too.

Mym mum will just stick her nose on air & be stubborn.

I'm not in the wrong here but being shouted at & blamed as if I am.

MMy Husband thinks I shouldn't go there anymore.

Help!

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Comments

Hopeless

I’d advise you to phone AgeUK and have a chat with them. They were really good with advice when we were having problems with my dad. If the issue is complicated they give you another number to ring with specialised help.

Just be aware that the capacity test is generally passed as the person has capacity to make their own decisions even when the decision isn’t in their best interests. It really took us back when dad was assessed as having capacity and since then friends in similar positions have said their relative was also deemed to have capacity when they so obviously don’t!

My heart goes out to you as I know how hard this type of situation is

Albus_Alumni

Hi @vapegirlclouds thank you for opening up to us, I understand how difficult that must have been for you, so thank you.
I'm afraid I can't advise on this due to it's complexities and it's not a situation I've dealt with before, but Hopeless has given a very good call with contacting AgeUK, I think they may well be the best people to speak to as they may have encountered a situation like this before. But I really do wish that this situation can be dealt with with minimal emotional impact to any of you.

vapegirlclouds

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1038421#Comment_1038421

it's what I want to do, but she'll never forgive me. I've told social services that I have evidence of abuse, so it may go out of my hands now.

vapegirlclouds

Thanks. I've spoken to hp & they've started dementia testing again & she told me to contact social which ive done.

vapegirlclouds

Thanks, exactly. The gp said that they've restarted dementia testing & to contact social for a financial assessment. That's my worry.worry.mshes making some terrible decisions where her bills are bouncing. But shes making them when fully with it & not with it. How do you test fornthat!

Zipz

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/135685/i-dont-know-what-to-do-elderly-mother

Hi @vapegirlclouds My heart goes out to you. I have to agree with @Wheeled_Weapon This is a safeguarding issue. Your Mum is subject to elder abuse by members of her family. That your Mum has lost some mental capacity combined with your relatives' manipulation of her and unpleasantness towards you could lead to you being accused of abuse. Put the police in the picture. Please.

vapegirlclouds

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1038463#Comment_1038463

It sounds like my life. Only i have poa & only i have a joint account with mum but I cant stop her giving her card away. Mum has already told me not to go there & I'm the only one doing anything to help my mum. It's such a mess. It is traumatic. Why cant we all just have normal families where people are concerned about their elderly relatives instead of abusing them.

Yes my concern was the direct debits bouncing affecting my credit score too. I was going to take the bills money this month & put it back in the night before bills were due so they wouldn't bounce.