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Can’t sleep as usual.

ryleyyg

so been trying to sleep but I can’t.

Just keep thinking about my life.
ik some people probably don’t like reading this but I have no where else to vent too

I was looking at my old instagram accounts going through my comments realising how I got used as a kid and bullied by people at school but I didn’t notice because I was a kid.
I kept looking through the comments and was like.. ffs why was I like this.
I guess that’s autism for you. people like to pick on autism kids.

It just made me realise that I never really had any real friends, and I was just used and people never genuinely cared. Even in secondary school.
I believe this is why I have trust issues now and don’t want to make friends, as my brain is trying to protect me. I’ve tried online friends in the past they never usually go well.
why do I like sabotaging myself?

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Comments

charl1234

Your not your just been real and just because you don't have many friends doesn't make you a bad person!

Try get a hobby or a part time job or club, I work part time helps me. Lots although I have a lot of issues with social anxiety and not many friends as a result it is hard and any disability is hard I should know but all we can do is try!

Good luck,

ryleyyg

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1049086#Comment_1049086

Covid has truly messed me up lol.
tbh I barely go outside during the week, only to the shop.

If I do go outside I tend to panic or chest hurts.

I’ve tried working before but because of the way I am and how Covid changed my way of living/mental health, I’m so used to isolation and being lonely that it’s normal for me. I could go days without not talking to anyone and still be fine.
people in my family ask me if I get bored or how do I do it. I just don’t know lol.
in scared of working because I have autism my last job/manager where not very nice to me/controlling.

Littlefatfriend

"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention"

Whilst things could always be better ryleyyg they sometimes also go the other way. I like to try to enjoy everything I can but I appreciate that can be complicated.

Trust is a complicated thing we generally agree between individuals. We aren't perfect and I suggest you don't imagine that other people have lots of trusting relationships. Society doesn't do that much. People are complicated.

Often I don't speak to people in real life, but I don't need to and I'm not in a position to affect them. Why would we?

Have you considered setting yourself an exercise distance (etc) you might do in order to open an habit, start somewhere?

That's helped me in the past

😇

figraspberry41

#Ryleyyg,

Hi, I am sorry that you are feeling so down and cannot sleep. If this low mood and not sleeping has been troubling you for quite a while, might I suggest that you talk with your GP, to at least help with your insomnia?

I am Autistic myself, so can understand somewhat how things are for you. Autism is a very broad spectrum and I was not diagnosed with Autism until quite late in life, after I had worked as a Healthcare Professional for more than forty years. I too have been victim of bullying at school and within the work place, so I can empathise with you there too. Considering, that I did not receive my diagnosis until late in life it seems bizarre that I managed the job (that not only did I want to do from a young age but enjoyed it, for the most part.) However, I was often considered an 'odd' person and did not mix socially much either at work or away from work. My behaviours seemed to attract negative attention (mostly at work) although, I did not 'see' anything particularly wrong with my behaviour but it affected how others perceived me! Once my colleagues (and Management) found out about my Autistic traits (I'm dyslexic as well) but that appeared to be the start of more productive subtle bullying from colleagues and Management. The so called 'support' was a long time in materialising and was not implemented as it should have been, eventually causing me to retire far too early than I should have or wanted to. Unfortunately for me, the job required a lot of IT which I find difficult to either understand or use as my employers (at the time), wanted me or expected me to do. Despite an ongoing 'battle' to be given not only the equipment but also the 'software' plus adequate training to enable me to do the job as to meet the 'new' requirements.

Bullying in the work place can be virtually impossible to be accepted (I did make a Formal Grievance but to no avail). I was told that there was insufficient evidence to support my claim, for which I paid dearly with the additional subtle bullying and being totally ignored in the work place. I think I can understand some of your personal experiences, although this is not very 'helpful' except try not to allow this to eat away at you causing increased stress and anxiety. If you have stopped working due to your health (mental or otherwise) then by isolating yourself is not really 'helpful' to you either. You might like to consider counselling, although, I accept it is not for everyone. I was encouraged to have work place counselling but this was of little use to me at the time because it was instigated via work and the counsellor(s) did not seem to have much knowledge of or understanding my disabilities caused by my Autistic traits. That aside, you may find that this may 'help' you, if you can find a counsellor who understands your perspective and not just want to 'change you!

Isolation can be sole destroying and unproductive, perhaps you might be able to find a volunteer job that way you do not feel obliged to stay if you feel that you cannot cope. I do two voluntary jobs both get me out of the house, meeting others but at a 'safe' distance and it enables me to talk to other people irrespective of disclosing my diagnosis. That said, when applied for the voluntary jobs, I explained about neuro diverse conditions and how I might appear to others. It is a double edged sword because on the one hand I do not like to disclose my diagnosis on the other hand, those I come in contact with (from a working point of view) are more compelled to accept me as I am. Perhaps this an avenue you might like to explore?

Good for you to reach out to others who can converse with you via the internet but again this is not a substitute for actually meeting other people and finding coping strategies to enable you to manage a situation. Not everyone you meet will be kind towards you irrespective of whether or not you divulge your diagnosis that by the way, I try not to use as an excuse for my behaviours that are received negatively, however, understanding why you come across the way you do is a 'reason' not necessarily an excuse. If you engage with others and have explained why that person might consider you as 'odd' or even perhaps inappropriate to a neurotypical individual, then that equally does not give them the 'right' to be disrespectful of your feelings nor does it give anyone the 'right' to mis treat you whether that be at work or in a social setting. Sadly, although much more is known about the Autistic spectrum it is up to society to 'learn' how to manage those of us affected by a condition and to be understanding and accept that behaviours might not be what they would expect of as you. You have little control over, since to the best of my knowledge there is no cure nor is there a brain rewiring procedure that makes neuro diverse individuals comply to neuro typical expectations!

I don't know if passing on my personal experiences are indeed 'helpful' to you but you might choose to look at your life as it is and consider trying some of the suggestions to help 'lift' you from this difficult place you find yourself in. I hope you can find a solution to help you through this time.

Good luck!

bookrabbit

I listen to audio books at night as it gives my mind something to latch onto that isn't my problems. I don't keep track of the book very well but I just go back to where I remember the next day. It helps me drift off and go back to sleep if I surface.

I'm autistic and would have thought it would stop me sleeping but it works a treat.

It doesn't do to think too much about injustice. I have had 60 years worth now and have to stop myself from following the downward spiral. Enjoy what you can. I have realised other people cause more problems than they help. Yes I would like to go out more (it's been months) but someone would upset me by being critical (I am autistic too and always say the wrong thing)so why put myself through that?

Try not to judge your life by other people's measures.

charl1234

People can be cruel I'm deaf and I lip read and fund many people have little understanding, sometimes we just have to concentrate on our immediate family and live a quieter life I find pets help and are company also

ryleyyg

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1049108#Comment_1049108

hi I appreciate this!
I am very sorry you had to deal with that!
me too, I for some reason attract negative attention as well, and I do not know why. Maybe that’s just us, easy to poke at and pick on I guess.

I have tried therapy twice now. First one didn’t work at all.
second one was over the phone and the lady just kept talking and didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. So yeah I don’t think it’s therapy I need I think it’s I need to meet people mix myself in more and hope for the best lol!

figraspberry41

#Ryleyyg,

Hi Ryleyyg,

Thank you for your response. Bookrabbit has suggested listening to books, that is a superb idea! Again it might not suit everyone but unless you give it ago, you won't know if it works for you. I read or do word searches in bed to concentrate my mind on other things and that is usually helpful for me. (something else you may consider trying).

As regards, therapy, I would agree that telephone therapy is of no use to me either. At least the people I talked with 'listened' to me (a start), except they were unable to offer much advise because; although Mental Health Specialists, they did not seem to know much regarding my specific deficit's nor were they able to assist much since they had to prepare reports for my employers. It might have been generic and they may have kept the discussions private but this limited any 'support' offered. I have said (to others, generally) that a Counsellor, needs to have a full understanding of Autistic traits, the condition itself and how this impacts on any interaction / intervention you may be offered (or me for that matter!). You may find a better equipped person through your local Mental Health Department and ask if there is someone who can really know and understand the 'traits' that cause so much conflict. It may be something you might like to explore further.

Once, when I was seeing someone in Mental Health, I regaled a recent situation that had occurred at work, she listened, then told me that if she had been in my situation, she would have reacted in a similar fashion to myself. In my view this was acknowledging that the situation had been 'petty' and that work colleagues had created a situation where there was none to begin with. (I had to report on my outcome, I told my Manager what was said but it was received poorly by Management.)

I believe that many neuro typical people find those of us with similar traits "threatening" to themselves, so behave badly towards the 'victim' (i.e. you, me or anyone else not 'fitting their boxes), as a way to 'justify their own short comings, shear lack of insight and unwillingness to try to pursue an engagement with them because they do not want to even try to understand you (or me). Therefore they deal with this perceived 'threat' as 'hostile' and will do anything to create an unpleasant atmosphere for the 'victim'. Then they have the 'Gaul' to 'blame the victim!

As previously stated, not everyone is so callous with their own behaviour, there are people that will not judge you for being YOU but will encourage you to integrate with others but remain respectful of your needs. That is why, I do the voluntary jobs that I do. In my view in this day and age, those of us who suffer with our conditions behaviours such as you (and I) have experienced is unacceptable and intolerable. Change might be slow, however, as much as possible needs to be done to enable those with these similar conditions can work or integrate with others without 'suffering' their un wanted, unjustified' behaviours.

#Charl1234, I appreciate your disability is problematic for you, likewise, others do not automatically identify your disability and may well be inclined to treat you poorly as a result. During my career, I tried my best to acknowledge someone with a deficit and not judge them but find ways of communicating even just by looking directly at the person and speaking more slowly and clearly. I have encountered a few non hearing people (not just those, who have gradually 'lost' hearing over time or through some other way) but have been deaf from birth. I had a friend that is deaf and she was trying to teach me some sign language, that was close to half a century ago and we lost touch sadly and I'm a slow learner! The disability may be different, although similar treatment from others can be demoralising, and is equally degrading to the 'sufferer'.

Hope you both have a peaceful weekend.

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