Confused and need some direction.

PaulaandBilly

Hi to everyone. Firstly, can I say thank you to all those kind people that helped me with my nephew's PIP claim - you are all amazing people.

So, here I am again asking for your thoughts as to what to do next, please excuse me if I ramble but the whole situation is a mess and I seem to be the one trying to sort it out as I am the youngest sibling.

My sister has Alzheimer's and lives in London, I am in Essex with my own family and their needs so I really am trying to do as much as I can but I have hit a brick wall. She is being cared for by her husband who is the same age and suffering with both physical and mental health issues. However, he is still sharp in his thinking and this is why my sister gets minimal help, she has him and me. However, he cannot cope with caring, it is not something he wants to do and I don't think he has the tools, he doesn't mean any harm but his lack of caring is causing harm.

My brother in law is LPA but has done nothing to sort out my sister's bank account. She has ISA's and some savings so we really need to know what we've got because I think she will need care at some point. So my first question would be - I am Deputy on the LPA so can I just step in and take over and sort out her finances?

The other problem is that their house is extremely neglected, they do not have a working toilet and the one downstairs is in a horrendous state due to one of them having a stomach upset. I am at a loss as to what to do as any dealings with Social Services usually culminate in me being told that because they are homeowners, they need to sort these things out themselves which they're incapable of doing. I can't for two reasons - 1) my brother in law is rather stubborn - this I could overlook and just send someone in to clean (although I have no idea where to go to find someone reputable and trustworthy in their area) and 2) Even if I had someone who could help sort out their toilets, I have no money for that. They have, but I can't spend their money for them, hence wanting to take on my sister's finances so that I can overrule my BIL (brother in law) because it is dangerously unhygienic in the house. They also have their autistic son living there who uses public toilets rather than theirs.

That's the first thing to address. They are hoarders so all the rooms are in a similar state meaning that I cannot ask carers to go in as again, theirs is not my money and also they could not get to the kitchen sink, everything is too dirty, with food covering every inch of the worktops. It is not a fire risk in terms of hoards of papers everywhere, it's more filthy and that's the only positive thing I can say - they do have clear access to the front door. If I could persuade BIL to clear the house I would but he just doesn't want to know when I talk about it.

I did have an appointment with her bank on Saturday 5th, travelled 49 miles to be told the guy who I had the appointment with had left the branch and there was no one else to help - brick walls everywhere. I have complained to Santander for what good that will do.

I'm really at my wits end on how to help them. I am fine to overrule BIL on the toilets, which he seems fine just to leave. He said he is depressed and I said that if he let me help address the hygiene issues and give him a better environment to live in, he would feel better. He always agrees with me but still nothing gets done and the situation remains the same.

Anyway, I am so very sorry to ramble but if there's anybody who might have the sort of mind that can give me some sort of plan of action, I would be so grateful. I am constantly having things go round and round in my head but I can't seem to get past BIL, who is holding it all back. While she has a 'carer', and he does minimal - my sister phones me so many times asking where she left things and I have to say "I don't know, I'm not there" and is reluctant to ask my BIL. They do not communicate, none of them do, not my sister, my BIL or my nephew. But he is carer and every organisation that deals with me when I talk about my sister seems to think because she has a husband she is fine. It's just not like that in that family.

Thank you for reading this because to be honest, even if you can't help, you have made it so much easier just to share this.

Paula.

Rosie_Scope

Hi @PaulaandBilly, that's a really tough situation. Please don't feel sorry for rambling or getting things off your chest. That all sounds very overwhelming so it's understandable you're feeling stressed out and need to vent about it!

When you became deputy for the Lasting Power of Attorney, were you given any documents to state what your responsibilities were? That may have some clarity on what decisions you're able to make for your sister. Would your brother in law be open to passing the LPA over to you, or is that one of the points he is quite stubborn about?

We'll be sending an email over soon, so please look out for that.