What is a friend?

Kookee

I wonder what people think a best/close friend is and if they have any? I think I maybe have unrealistic, idealist, maybe even immature views on the subject. Whilst I do have friends I wouldn’t say they were particularly close or besties as they don’t meet my criteria. I’m not bothered by this just curious really…

Littlefatfriend

I wouldn't choose any one of my friends over another, in my opinion it's not a competition.

In certain ways my oldest friend (with whom I went to skule 40 years ago) knows me best, but equally others (with whom I've had intimate relationships) know me far more intimately. In similar but unidentical ways I suppose my sister is my closest friend. I've known her all my life.

I like to consider anyone I can get along with a friend, I live life for its moments. I don't think it would be reasonable for me to set "criteria" for them, we're all just people trying to work life out…

😇

Kookee

Nice. I don’t set criteria as such either, I think I worded that wrong. I just feel I don’t have close friends as such just friends. And I do love these friends and they’re all so different but maybe it’s my ND brain as I don’t feel the connections are strong or that I am fully me with them if that makes sense.

birdwatcher

A close/ best friend is someone who's always got your back.Someone who cares, someone you can rely on. I was suprised to find out who mine was actually. I'd always considered myself outgoing and sociable. Thought I'd got a lot of friends. Until my health started to fail, they faded into the background. One particular person I'd known for years, though I wasn't close to, has really stepped up for me. He's got disabilities too but has really come good. I never expected that.

Another is a friend and neighbour, I'm very friendly with him too. Again, he's disabled, but if I need anything ,he's there.

One thing that I found especially kind was when my dog was poorly some months ago. I've written about her before, she's everything to me. Both of the them bent over backwards for me and her. They didn't have to, I probably drove them up the wall fretting and fussing about her. But they never grumbled. They were with us all the way. Come to that, they were very good with me when I wasn't well at the start of the year.

But if I'd known say, six or seven years ago, what I know now there's certain people I wouldn't have bothered with at all. A fair weather friends neither use not ornament. But what's that expression? It's mind over matter. I don't mind cos they don't matter

JD_INCINERATOR

I think my standards for friendship now seem to be people that I get along with and care about, but who don't seem to want to enter my private domain and seem hesitant for me to be in theirs. I have no issue with my friends coming over, but they don't have the same accepting demeanour as me. It's easy to feel lonely when even those you consider friends don't want to be too close.

Kookee

@birdwatcher that’s really interesting and insightful, thank you. I’m glad you have these friends. I see now that I don’t really have this sort of friend, maybe more of the fair weather type you mentioned (although I had heard this phrase I did have to look it up!). This is fine though.

@JD_INCINERATOR I relate. Thanks for replying.

I do have one friend who I’ve been talking to for maybe 10 years, purely via email and WhatsApp who I met on a forum. I have been able to open up to her and share a hell of a lot and she with me, but we don’t talk all the time and she lives far away, but I would maybe consider her my closest friend. I wouldn’t turn to her in times of need though.

I think with me I’m a private person and mask a lot so friendships are at surface level. This is fine mostly, but I do get confused by the concept of friendships hence my curiosity!

figraspberry41

#@Kookee,

Hi, I've just read yesterday's post. I can relate to your comments as regards friends. Both previous posts make valid points, however, you mentioned being Neuro Diverse and this made me consider people in my life who have been 'labelled' as friends. I say 'labelled because in a sense they are just people that you get along with but would disappear at the 'hint of trouble'.

At school, I was often alone and only had one 'friend', she was quiet and unassuming like me so we did things together. I was subject of bullying at school (which largely was unnoticed or ignored as was the case over half a century ago!) I have a few friends that live a distance away but when they lived closer, we would support each other because we had a few things in common. We worked within the Healthcare System and we had first hand experience of having children with various neuro diverse or Mental Health conditions ( some over lapped the other).

It wasn't until I was much older (nearly 60years old) that I discovered I too have neuro diverse conditions, this enlightenment enabled me to realise that because I am different to the majority of people, they choose not to get 'too close'. So, you might relate to this in your own experiences and it might offer an explanation as to why you approach or come across to others as either unfriendly or just not 'fitting in'. Unfortunately, this makes some 'friendships' difficult or even non-viable. I do have a friend that is severely physically disabled, who I met when we worked out if the same unit together. We are very different people but she has recognised me with my neuro diverse conditions for who I am not what I am and we do help each other out a lot. Despite this we can both drive other to distraction with our traits, etc… etc… but the key thing is that we learn to respect each other and tolerate each others behaviours, traits whatever and that is fine. We try not to annoy each other instead we value what we have and know when to 'back off' if things are becoming too intense. Friendships like this are rare, so if you have a person that you feel you connect with try to manage that relationship as best you can within your own remit. Life is about learning to give and take, sharing , and acknowledging that we are all different, can have opposite behaviours, traits but embrace that and treat each other with respect and kindness. Perhaps you need to be brave and share your neuro diverse conditions and how they make you react (even if this seems odd or challenging, even inappropriate to the other person); because sometimes the insight helps the other person understand why you are as you are and that is challenging enough these days.

Ostia

Hi Kookee

Sounds like you are doing just fine with your friendships. HowevervI am curious as to why you wouldn't contact the online friend in times of need even tho you have shared a lot already with her. Is it because you fear she may be overwhelmed or too busy? You could always open by asking if it's ok to share something v difficult at that point in time and see what they say.

Just my thoughts. No need to reply publicly. Personally I would love to have people around I could turn to when feeling really low. My friends are lovely but mostly of the coffee and chat variety.

All the best.

Kookee

@figraspberry41 thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Much appreciated.

@Ostia thank you too. I am doing fine, yes! I’m happy having ‘casual’ sorts of friends. I don’t see them or talk to them all that much but the odd catch up suits me. There’s many reasons I wouldn’t turn to my online friend which I won’t go into. And again I’m fine with that.

So maybe it would be better if I describe my perfect best friend. I’m not saying I want a person like this and that I’m unhappy with how things are presently, I was just curious as to what others thought a close friend is.

So: minimal small talk; big, deep meaningful conversations about life (outside the personal realm); someone to be silly with; someone you could offload to and they to you, when needed but not excessively; we could be ourselves with each other; and we shared interests and did things together ☺️

JennieWren

I think true friends are really hard to find. They’re the ride or die people that are there for you. I’m blessed to have an old friend, who I’ve known since I was 2, a friend who’s like a big sister but no longer lives close by and a bestie that lives about 10 minutes drive away. With all of them we pick up where we left off and can shoot the breeze or be go deep and vulnerable. Then there’s friends that pop by and acquaintances who are fun when interacting but don’t really give anything of themselves. Some people come in your life for a season and others like the 3 above for life. I’ve been burned this year by people that I thought had been friends for 25 and 15 years and shown me who’s genuine. It was painful but I’ve seen who they really are and they both **** each other off to me so I feel they deserve each other. Friends can be found in the most unexpected places. They’re the ones who stand by you and you with them and who you can be your true self with.

Kookee

Thank you for sharing @JennieWren I’m sorry to hear you got burnt by those people. I can relate. I found it heartbreaking and isolating. I didn’t feel I could turn to anyone or discuss my pain during these times and like it would have been different if the ‘break up’ had been with a romantic partner. I think you’re right that friends pop up in unlikely places too, like it’s fate bringing you together.