Imparting My Innermost Thoughts

JD_INCINERATOR

I attend Andy's Man Club-which is a charity for men's mental health, and last night I read out a very profound and insightful piece on one of the members who was in the room with me. Here is this post for those who would like to read it:

To be honest I'm a bit nervous about this.

I wasn't thinking about doing this, possibly not at all doing this because I love you guys and you mean a lot to me and singling one person out seems unjust, but I want to use my time to talk this week about Rich. I know we love Rich because he's a gentle fun-loving soul, and a victim of Damo's short jokes-but I cannot state enough just how much of an impact he has made on my life, as I'm sure he's made a tremendous impact on yours as well. Personally I feel he resembles hope and is a beacon of exceptional light, that to which he may not see in himself. I don't know Rich outside of this place anywhere as much as I know him in it, but what I see and hear is a man who works so hard but is so gentle in his demeanor and so approachable. I certainly wish for many more people like him in my life because his traits are so endearing and relatable in a way that strikes a profound chord. I feel that behind all the laughter and joking there's a soul of a man that has faced many personal wars, but somebody who has an almighty presence that I am struck by.

He reminds me of what I need most in my life-calmness and reassurance. When all the pressures get to my head and I cannot cope and I feel as though I've not got the people to talk to, speaking to Rich has the ability to help me see things in a renewed sense-which is such a powerful thing. I've gotten incensed with rage before, even right here-but when I speak to him in this state I'm not angry for a fleeting moment because he allows me to reflect on what I need to focus on-maintaining my mental equilibrium. Maybe I feel his pain and hardships strongly, but I can also feel the enormity of his victories. I send Rich jokes and I speak to him on Facebook as much as I do because he is somebody who I can feel confident telling anything to. I want connections with people that allow me to express myself and how I feel, people who I can talk to about anything whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, and Rich is someone who I can talk to about whatever. This is why I come to AMC and I've been attending regularly for over two years, yet when I consider the traits that I hold dear and that make me who I am, I feel like Rich embodies them in many ways.

To tell you the truth, I sent Rich a Christmas card last year and in there I wrote a message for his son because his son drew a smiley face on my birthday card, so I thought I'd return the gesture and then some. I stated that his son has an incredible father who works very hard and that does everything he can for him. I think it's because I can feel this way about my own dad and it makes me so emotional because these days I feel like I'm playing Where's Waldo in my attempt to find the version of my father who I love dearly more than anything. I can't help but feel so insecure about how I feel that bearing my soul is the only complete way to understand what lies deep beneath me.

I don't have to be a dad myself to feel the extent of hard work, dedication, time commitment and energy because I fold under such realizations when I think about every single thing my dad has sacrificed for me, whether it's me in dire straits in hospital as a boy, or whether he's taking me out on trips. What I see here are fathers like Rich, like Mat, like Scott, like Ant, like Damo, like everyone else here I've forgotten who is a dad and their efforts and their struggles and strife to keep it together. I feel it and it crumbles me to tears because I feel I am unable to express to my own father how important he is to me-it shreds me inside but I still show the pretending armour of alrightness. I acknowledge all of you because I feel faded inside by the forlorn realizations that the closeness with my father is distancing. I know it's important to keep the closeness, but will he be receptive or rejecting of it-I can't be sure.

So yes, Rich in some ways has defined what I truly want and need out of friendship. I always yearn for connection and a feeling that my parents shouldn't have just let my head expand until I could no longer survive. I am blessed to be here every week, and I feel that here I can light my candle and let the flicker put me at ease.

Rachel_Scope

That's absolutely beautiful. You certainly have a way with words, and I'm sure he was honoured to have you speak about him. I bet it was incredibly nerve-wracking but the fact you did it shows a lot of strength.

I've seen flyers for Andy's Man Club and always thought to myself that it's such a great idea because a lot of men feel unable to share their feelings, so it's really good to hear your experience. I hope more men attend things like this and break that stigma.