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suicidal thoughts

sosad999

I've been having trauma based CBT for about 4 months on the NHS. My therapist is amazing and because I worked with her last year we have a good connection and I trust her completely. Its my last session next Tuesday. We discussed my suicidal thoughts yesterday and she said she believes they are intrusive and we need to work how to keep me safe. Problem is keeping me safe isn't really what I want right now. I have so much going on emotionally that I was a break from it and I don't care if that break is permanent.

I'm doing all the right things - working, socialising, exercising, eating well and none of that makes this feel any easier to carry.

I don't know what I want from this post but just needed to get it out of my head.

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Community_Scope

A warm welcome to the community @sosad999

Thank you for being so honest and telling us a little about your situation, a member of the team is going to pop you in an email in a while so please keep an eye out for it

StarryEyed

@sosad999 you're not alone in your space. Many people have been there and will be there. Sending you light and warmth....

Leelitsa

mimi2370

hi there, I just wanted to leave a message. I’m in the same boat and we have to hang on until things get more manageable. Please call 999 if you ever feel in danger . You a

mimi2370

I’m sorry that posted before I finished but please let people help:( I know it’s really hard and the trauma can make it so much worse but you deserve to live.

66Mustang

You're definitely not on your own in feeling like that

Therapists and even kind/well-meaning but inexperienced individuals tell us that life is worth living, which is true – but they're basing it on their own worldview, and it's unfair to teach someone how to live a life worth living based on one's own worldview

I've found a more helpful question…

Aside from the obvious things, i.e. the trauma never happening, what would make life worth living for you?

What some people live for, others endure, I'd say it's all about finding something that's worth keeping going for for you

I'd say crucially, that thing can even (and often) be a future dream, not something that exists or is happening at the moment

StarryEyed

On the other side of determining why we want to live is to explore why we want to take permanent flight from this world. A couple of years ago when I was in the depths of despair, someone asked me to give three words for why I wanted to leave this world. As if the three words fell from the sky, the three words formed three reasons:

Overwhelmed.
Fearful.
Misunderstood.

I sat back looking at that list and realised they are very good reasons. So I made it my goal to spend as long as it takes to address those reasons. I'm still working on that list.

sosad999

Thank you all for replying. Its becoming all-consuming now. I'm seeing my GP later but he isn't much good so I'll stick to asking my therapist for a referral to the initial response team. I hate being in the services but I can't feel like this for much longer.

sosad999

My BPD voice is so loud right now. Not helped I know by using alcohol to try to numb but in fact making me feel stuff even harder. You would think I would learn but apparently not.

I have built a really beautiful friendship with a woman at work. She is firmly in favourite person mode so I am definitely more sensitive around her but she knows abut the BPD and is very reassuring. Problem is that no amount of her reassurance settles my previous trauma response. I don't share that with her because I'm scared of being 'too much' so I have to manage it alone. Knowing its trauma related and BPD related doesn't help me shut it up.

I'm so on a knife edge right now. Thinking about suicide most days, self harm all the time. This just isn't living

Community_Scope

It is nice to hear that you've developed a really good friendship at work @sosad999, are you going to meet up outside work?

We're going to send you an email in a while so please keep an eye out of it

sosad999

She gave me her personal number a few weeks ago so we chat some evenings and weekends. I try to keep it light and to a minimum because of that fear I’ll be too much but when drunk that resolve just went out of the window. I’m finding it hard to trust her. Not because of anything she has said or anything I know of her because she has always been very reassuring and very clear that she will tell me if she does think I’m too intense (at my request), but because I know how hurt I could end up being if this goes wrong. Because I can’t begin to understand why she would want to be my friend, then I’m almost always waiting for it to drop with her that I’m not worth it, hence the fear of loss.

We're going out for tea tomorrow after work. It was her idea and she has suggested a place. I can't help but think she'll cancel and maybe thinking she will, will make it easier to accept if she does. Why can't a friendship just be straight-forward??😡

sosad999

I drank too much last night, too much and too fast. I then messaged a friend and I have no idea how she tolerates me. I gave her the option to leave the friendship (even though it would kill me if she did) and she told me to stop pushing her away, that she isn't going anywhere. I think its that control thing of giving her permission so it won't be a shock. I also self harmed a lot last night - woken up to more (minor) injuries that I remember doing.

I have an appointment with the IRS team on Thursday but I think my friend will want me to ring today.

I'm such a mess and I'm jeopardising one of the most important friendships I've ever had (and at 53 I've had a few). I know a lot of it is the EUPD voice but knowing it doesn't make it any easier.

Mary_Scope

Friendships can be a bit confusing @sosad999 but it sounds like a good thing that your friend from work was the one to suggest going out this afternoon, I hope you have a nice time!

The friend telling you to stop pushing her away sounds like a good friend too, it sounds like she wants to be there for you and wants to understand you.

I'm sorry to hear about the self harming, we're going to send you another email soon so please keep another eye out for it. How are you feeling today?

Kiki23

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1078639#Comment_1078639

Good afternoon @sosad999

Im so sorry to hear your struggling but its great that you are talking about how you really feel and being honest about what worries you…Your a very brave person……

I watched a video a few weeks ago that id like to share with you about "rejection sensitivity disorder"… I myself related to alot of what was being said in the video as I also struggle with the "fear" of rejection and trusting people and find it very difficult to get close to people because I automatically think they will one day get fed up of me and my struggles to the point ive sabotaged so many relationships because of this insecurity and fear of mine…..Im 52 and relate to alot of what you have shared 😊

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxFwHZy19v8

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