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ADHD and autism in self destructive mode waiting on medication

Tigger83

I don’t know where to start!!

I am waiting for my adhd medication and I am autistic.

I’m high functioning, been with my wife since school and have 3 children.

I currently care for one of my girls full time.

Me and my wife recently went away for a week break and since I’ve come back, I absolutely hate myself, if it’s looks, what I haven’t achieved just not being good enough and that my wife has no interest in me.

The thing is I know all of this is not true but I can’t stop these thoughts!!
I would speak to the doctor but all they will do is shove pills down my throat and send me on my way.

Apart from the usual stuff ‘I am good enough’ and practicing gratitude, going gym keeping busy, I can’t think of anything else to quieten my mind.

The thing is whilst we were away I told my wife I was struggling, now we are back there has been no check in to see how I am, maybe I’m just an expert at hiding this!

I spend a lot of time alone because of my situation and it’s really starting to feel like Groundhog Day!

Where do I go? Does anybody relate to this or have any advice please

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Comments

Holly_Alumni

Hi @Tigger83

I’m so sorry to read how you’ve been feeling recently. I know it’s different for everyone, but I personally find keeping busy and having a focus helps me when I'm low. I’ve recently picked up reading a bit more and doing puzzles and try to get out and see friends.

There are other alternatives out there if pills aren’t for you. I’m going to pop you an email shortly with some suggestions and I’m sure other members of the community will be along to comment soon.

Best wishes,

Holly

Tigger83

thank you @Holly_Scope i just don’t know where it has come from!!!

Holly_Alumni

I completely get where your coming from there @Tigger83. Sometimes these things creep up on us over time - I know it certainly did with me. I hope you're able to feel a bit better over time.

66Mustang

@Tigger83 I struggle with extremely similar kinds of thoughts. It's like I have a fundamental, constitutional belief - like, at the most base level - that I'm worthless and unwanted. Any logical proof against this is ignored in favour of the smallest "evidence" that confirms the doubt.

Have you ever been checked for any kinds of PTSD?

I have ADHD and high-functioning autism as well, and had always dismissed PTSD in my situation as something that only happened to soldiers or ab‎u‎se victims

This year I was diagnosed with CPTSD and looking into how it affects me honestly was so enlightening and in lots of ways validating, as it explains everything that happens in my mind, why I think the way I do, and what goes on when I feel bad. And to know that there is recognition that what happened to me is as cri‎m‎inal as those traditional forms of ab‎us‎e is equally validating; albeit with no single person to apportion responsibility in law onto

If this is something that's troubled you your whole life, it's something I'd look into

66Mustang

One thing I'd add is that ADHD medication tends to help with the hypervigilance symptoms (which seem to be what you're describing)

In ADHD the amygdala/limbic regions (emotional/fight-or-flight brain) of the brain are often overactive; and in PTSD they're also oversensitive as a (mal)adaptation – evolutionarily, it's a desirable response - to keep you alive next time the trauma happens

Many ADHD meds work by allowing the prefrontal cortex (logical brain) to function more in balance as opposed to subsidiary to the emotional brain - i.e. you will find you can rationalise (and crucially, dispel) problems, focus on tasks, and concentrate on things

What this means is you might find they help regardless

Tigger83

@66Mustang thank you for your response,

I have had a couple of rough years family wise hence why I’m now a full time carer.
what your saying is really making sense with me and I will definitely go down the route of PTSD, I didn’t realise that this could trigger the way I’m feeling.

Thank you so much!! It’s just this bit I’m worried about, right now, I’ve been on a long walk twice and the gym, had a healthy dinner and stopped drinking, but even with all this I’m really not good.

I feel I have no one to speak to as I’m putting my imagination on them and it sounds stupid

66Mustang

That's so similar to me @Tigger83

I stopped drinking and got my weight from 22 stone down to 13.5, and going running and started socialising and stuff… I feel so much better and wanted now, but in some ways I felt better 2 years ago when I was drinking almost a bottle of whisky a day. I guess "feeling better" isn't the same as "numb" – I'd never go back, but sometimes (and sounds similar for you, too) it helps to take a breath and look back and see how far I've come

I know what you mean about burdening people too, often there are so many complex things going around in my head that it all comes out at once.

The other issue with the self-doubt, I've found, is although it's internalised it often comes out in the form of doubting other people – which affects them and then you as well. Like… if I get the slightest doubt that someone dislikes me, aside from it being untrue, if you act on it (by avoiding them or questioning them) it can turn out to be self-fulfilling

I guess (hope it's okay to use the example) what you say about your wife showing no interest in you is a good example & why I thought of it – like, I imagine your emotional mind wants reassurance to dispel the doubt but it's difficult to ask for that reassurance from without seeming like you're doubting the person you're asking!

Tigger83

@66Mustang with my wife it is exactly that I feel like a burden by speaking about it which I have done tonight.

We have enough going on than me to become a problem.

I’m going to work through it and I know eventually it will be fine.

I love the moment you wake up and it seems to have melted away over night. Hopefully that day will come soon

66Mustang

@Tigger83

Good luck, while I'm no expert at all, it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things/have all the right ideas

It's awkward – I'm often asked to open up about my issues, but then when I do I'm asked to be mindful of overloading the person who asked. I have a friend who has the same problem with her parents, too

You sound like a super decent person trying to balance others' wellbeing with your own, hope things go ok for you