Autistic daughter anxiety

Stroud2024

Morning everyone 🌅

I'll try to make this brief as there is sooooo much to say about the question I am asking. I have two autistic children, my older has not been to school since May (secondary school) due to basically not being able to cope with everything about school. We've managed to get the LA to agree home tutoring/mentoring starting next week.

My daughter is in year 7 and now going through the same situation of struggling to get in to school, panic attacks, huge anxiety etc etc. I firmly believe forcing some children to go to school when they are visibly distressed does not help them. I don't believe the setting is right for either of my children.....However.....😳....I must be doing something wrong if both my children are now refusing to go to school??? I have lots of friends with autistic children, of course no child is the same, neurotypical or neurodivergent......but I need a way to help her with her anxiety. She wants to learn and wants friends etc. I've done all the normal things like referrals to various places.

Breathing techniques bla bla bla which she refuses to do. Any thoughts or ideas that I haven't thought of are sooooooo appreciated!! I am studying and need to start working at ske point and no idea how I will manage that (single parent) of my children are too anxious to go to school. I'll stop babbling now just any advice Id love please. ❤️

Nightcity

you're doing nothing wrong I'm 43 years old and refuse to engage face to face or by phone with strangers and if I can get away with it anyone! I say refuse as if it's a choice but As it results in such danger to my mental health and causes an autistic meltdown the refusal is to avoid that.

Autism works on a wide spectrum and it sounds like your children are at the more complex end and the others you know at the other end.

I can't advise regarding schools and the laws involving attendance etc, but it's best to get the GP to back you in the education department having official notification that they are incapable through their condition to comply with the expectations of the average child and lifestyle.

Biblioklept

Anxiety seems to come hand in hand for autistic children (and adults!!) although I somethings think we experience it differently and that's why the 'usual' advice doesn't seem to work as well.

I don't have an answer because I agree with you, forcing someone to do something that is causing them so much pain doesn't seem like the right example or answer, BUT I also know from my own experience, the less you do something, and the more you avoid it, the harder it gets and more impossible it seems

School is HARD. Those pre-teen years are AWFUL. For everyone. Not only is it a huge change moving to secondary they're hit with hormones and more social pressures - and the massively different environment of secondary … yeah it sucks.

Have you seen this site? https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home

It's important they (and you) know it can pass, it will change, it takes time and how they are feeling is normal. It's a reaction to a new, scary, crazy, situation.

What works for me and what I wish people had done for me, is helped me push myself in a safe way. Like, work to find out what the limits are and slowing push against them. Not jump in the deep end, and not avoid every trigger and fear - that just leads to tolerance getting smaller.

Anxiety is normal, it's natural, and normal. Letting it always win is not healthy and won't lessen anxiety, it increases it long term. Giving in and hiding from fears and triggers is a short term fix and feels better in the moment, but long term makes it worse. ❤️❤️

Stroud2024

Gosh thank you yes!!!! This helps. I'm autistic as well, and I know school for me was exactly that, painful, to the point I'm pretty sure I zoned out for most of it to be able to cope!

I'll take a look at that link xxx

Rachel_Scope

Hi @Stroud2024. You've been given some wonderful support already but I just wanted to say that you're doing nothing wrong. It's such a difficult situation to navigate and it sounds like you're doing the best you can for your children.

Are the school working with you with your daughter in year 7? I wonder if there are any adjustments they can make for her.

Stroud2024

Yes thank you both of you.

I mean support in the loosest sense of the word ha! It's tricky as knowing what support she actually needs is hard to work out. She opens up to me fully, but then to her key worker just says whatever she thinks she is MEANT to say.

There is a "wellness hub" she is allowed to go to when overwhelmed, but that's not the quiet space it's supposed to be. She has time out passes she is too anxious to use. I think they've tried to put things in place but they aren't appropriate for my daughter. I'll have to speak to them. I should just camp out at the school's SENco office would save time! Haha

Rachel_Scope

I love that you can see some humour in this! They're offering some support which is a great start. It'll be difficult for them to assess what the right support is if your daughter feels unable to be honest. Have you told them that she's only saying what she thinks she's supposed to?

Stroud2024

Yes I have, and actually my son was the same. Although with him he said whatever they wanted to hear just so they'd stop talking to him about 'boring stuff' he would say to me haha!

I think the tricky thing is (one of the billion tricky things ha!) is that with my son we just had to come to the conclusion the setting was not right for him and thats it.

Anyway, thank you everyone even just talking on here and reading your comments does help does it? Really appreciate people taking the time x

Rachel_Scope

Love your sons honesty there! It's a ridiculously tricky situation but you seem to be doing it in good humour and making sure your children are supported, which is wonderful.

Stroud2024

That's really kind to say thank you. I think actually it all affects my stress levels probably more than the children! Actually wait.....no..... shouldn't and can't really possibly compare stress levels can you??? That made me laugh as I typed that 😂!

I think I probably actually have another question that I keep asking myself and this is the thing feel down I've now for blinking years to work out! At what point do you judge when it's unhealthy to keep fighting for them??? Not stop completely! But with my son I had so much to do daily to get support for my daughter at primary school, I found myself taking my eye off the ball......either with my son's education struggles or my daughter's! When I was focussed talking incessantly to her school SEN, I was missing things with him. And vice versa!

There's not an actual answer to that is there I guess???? We can only do what we can do I'm often told hahah! Which I cannot accept 🤯🤣🤣🤣 I need a twin to or a clone of myself to keep both kids supported consistently!!!! Hahhahah well. There's the answer it seems! Anyone developing a cloning system??? I'll be extremely interested haha! Gosh I'm laughing a lot now so ...

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!!!!! I look forward to your cloning ideas! Ok I may have lost a plot a little now. Bye haha

Stroud2024

I'll had one last thing that reeeeeally made me and my friend laugh recently. She said "I don't know how to do it and still cope day to day!" I had a think and said....."I do it by using my ADHD part of my brain to overspend on flat pack furniture and focus intensely on building furniture we don't need!" Which is hilarious because even my kids said recently.....why do we have more drawers with nothing in them mummy is it your new job???

😬😬😬😬😬 Deary me

Rachel_Scope

😂 I've never considered buying flat-pack furniture to focus my mind!! I wish I knew how to make clones, I'd one of me to do my housework, especially the ironing.

Yeah as you say, the knowing when to stop fighting so much question is tricky! You've been able to notice when things have slipped before so I'm sure you can do that again. You might be more aware of not letting things slip now.

Please keep us updated with everything, you've got this!

Stroud2024

Well that comment really was lovely! Thank you yes! It can be quite an isolated place dealing with this stuff. And I guess that's the answer if it's getting too much.....take a step back. I guess one or two days of not constantly researching and making referrals can't hurt if it makes me less stressed ha!

Ok yes I will update. I'm intrigued to see what updates i end up having! Haha things go from aaaawful to amazing in almost hours sometimes haha that quick! Let's see what happens ha

Thank you again x

Stroud2024

Ps I have an answer for ironing. Just stop that! 😂 I stopped a few years ago and wow I'm definitely happier hahha!

Rachel_Scope

Aww thanks! You definitely need to step back every now and again. Your brain needs a rest! I'm hoping that it's positive updates 😊

Oh the ironing thing doesn't work for me. I swear I must buy clothes with the wrinkliest material ever. Even if we tumble dry they still come out really creased. It's like someone's ironed the creases in on purpose!!

Stroud2024

😂😂😂 im happy me and my kids being creased haha! Not happy.... Just ok with it hahahha!