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Dysregulation around relationships

sosad999

I have quiet EUPD. I never externalise how I feel, purely internalise it so unless i tell someone how I feel they wouldn't know.

I've developed a beautiful friendship with someone but the slightest gap in communication or change of tone sends me spiralling. I know its the EUPD plus my body processing previous trauma but seeing the logical side of it does not in any way, reduce the intensity of the pain. I trust her completely so if there was something wrong I know she would tell me but my brain fills in gaps and never in a positive way.

I'm scared that if I don't learn how to regulate myself i will push her away by being too much. She knows my fears and does regularly reassure me but then when this happens like right now, it all goes out the window.

I want to self harm and I want to drink - both things I can't do in moderation so trying hard to not even go there.

I hate feeling like this and knowing that its all in my head makes it even worse

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Comments

Holly_Alumni

Hi @sosad999 that sounds incredibly tough, especially battling with the negative thoughts and urges. Are you receiving any support outside of the relationship? I know you mentioned that you internalise it a lot, but talking to somebody can help.

It does sound like you have a very supportive relationship with your friend. Have you discussed how you're feeling with them? From the sounds of it, they'd be understanding, and would support you through the bad thoughts.

sosad999

Yes she knows how I can get but I worry about bothering her too much because I feel too much most of the time which feeds the bad feeling. She's really good at telling me we're OK, that I'm not too much but I'm literally waiting for the moment when she changes her mind. Theres a part of me that doesn't believe she will ever do that but its the quiet part. The loud part just screams that she will do just that.

Holly_Alumni

I get that, I can be the same. She sounds like a great friend who really understands and wants to be there for you. Do you have someone else you could talk to about this? I found having a therapist I speak to once a month helps me to get things out, and after a little while I felt less bad about putting it on someone else. Appreciate it's not for everyone, but I personally felt better putting things to someone and getting their advice and input. It's good to get it out.