Too sensitive to live

sosad999
sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor
in Mental health and wellbeing

I'm realising that I am too sensitive to live in this world. I can't have normal relationships/friendships without catastrophic over thinking that either drives me mad or drives the other person mad meaning I'll lose them anyway at some point when I drive them away.

I am currently looking after a friends pets whilst they're on holiday but once they're back it feels like the green light to put an end to this.

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Comments

  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community Member Posts: 634 Trailblazing

    Please please please talk to a professional that can help you unpack these feelings!!

    I care very deeply about people and find I get hurt a lot because of it, not necessarily through their actions but because I feel what they feel, even people I don't know. I'm also a chronic overthinker and catastropise most things, I've definitely felt the "I'm going to drive this person away anyway so may as well do it now" kind of feelings and thoughts.

    Whhen you're feeling negative it's so easy to only look for negative things and not appreciate all the beauty and good in the world.

    Your friends have trusted you with their pets, it shows they value respect and trust you! You've not driven them away. Instead of looking for signs to end things, look for reasons to keep going.

    We all need a little rain to appreciate the sun, but don't get focussed on the rainy parts ❤️

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    Thanks for the replies.

    I've always been sensitive to others emotions and feelings and I think it made me a prime candidate for being bullied as a kid and then in a controlling relationship for 27 years. Its getting worse though. Death would be easier than living like this.

    I did speak with CMHT yesterday and they said that as my meds review is 10 days away, its about keeping myself safe until then. Thing is death doesn’t feel real at the moment, like it could happen this weekend and it wouldn’t be real. Sorry I can’t make that make any sense but it does to me

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 3,844 Online Community Team

    I'm so sorry for how you're feeling @sosad999. You've been through so much and I'm sorry it's not getting any easier. What can you do to keep yourself safe until your medication review? We're always here to talk to.

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    I'm cat sitting until Friday and I will see a friend at some point over the weekend. I'll be working (if I can manage it) and I'm seeing my best friend on Monday after work for a walk. I think she is so sick of me though. I'm so difficult, so intense and just not worth the effort. She kept saying that I will end up pushing people away out of fear and I dismissed that comment, especially where she is concerned, but there are times when I wish we hadn't go so close. I take on her emotions, I'm so scared of rejection that I'm in a constant state of panic. Its nothing she says or does, I generate it all myself. Death would sort it

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 3,844 Online Community Team

    But death is very final and is definitely not the answer. Your brain is being very unkind to you, you're not difficult and you are worth the effort. You might feel that pushing people away will be better but I promise you it isn't. I've been through very similar feelings so I understand.

    Lets focus on the positives: you're cat-sitting which is lovely! What's their name? If you're not feeling up to working don't worry, what is it that you do? You don't have to share that if you don't want to 😊 Where will you go for a walk? It's always good to get out in the fresh air, it never fails to make me feel better.

  • pburns1337
    pburns1337 Community Member Posts: 77 Empowering

    Please always talk to your GP or a mental health worker and tell them you are having these ideas. If the thoughts are getting very strong and persistent, go to your nearest hospital A&E department.

    You are having these thoughts because you are unwell, probably temporarily. Don't ever give up on the idea that you will one day find other people like you, people you can be comfortable with and that even at some point, you will feel that all your suffering was not completely in vain. This is how it has turned out for me.

  • Kiki23
    Kiki23 Community Member Posts: 270 Empowering
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UwnF0c6uB8
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxFwHZy19v8

    Sharing is caring 💚

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    I'm waiting on a call back from CMHT but realistically what can they do? Suicide feels inevitable, maybe not today, but inevitable.

    I have good things in my life - amazing friends and family, a house, a gorgeous cat (who is ill), good job so I know I'm in the fortunate category but it doesn't balance out this agony

  • Rachel_Scope
    Rachel_Scope Posts: 3,844 Online Community Team

    I'm so glad that you have so many positives in your life @sosad999. I know your brain is telling you this now but it can change believe me. Will you let us know how the call with CMHT goes?

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    CMHT weren't useful but then to be fair, I don't know what I expected them to do. There's no magic wand after all.

    I spoke to my best friend after the call and she asked me to take suicide off the table, to try to stop seeing it as an option. She said its stressful not knowing if I'm going to act on it. I took this in the way it was intended which was out of love. That in itself is an achievement because I'm awful at assuming what someone is actually saying is 'you're too much, too hard work' but I think I'm finally getting it where she is concerned.

    I just wish I could dial down my compassion/empathy levels. I cry more about other people's sadness, fears etc than my own. But its becoming a problem all of its own. I know I love too much, too intensely and it hurts. I just want an off switch

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    I drank last night, 1st time with the intention of getting drunk, for quite a few weeks. I then completely spiralled when my friend changed our plans. I'm always on red alert for her doing this. She never does without good reason but I find it impossible to accept that its not because she is trying to avoid spending time with me. I did ask that if it was because of me to just say it. This led to a tumble of messages, luckily I could just about message without the drunkenness coming through. I then self harmed quite badly.

    These spirals are getting more frequent and much worse. I know drinking was a bad idea but I did it. Need to just try to not do it again.

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 8,614 Online Community Team

    Sorry to hear that you had such a difficult night @sosad999. Are you feeling any calmer today? Hope you've managed to take it easy.

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    It was all my fault. I'd made a deal with myself but then wasn't in control of the outcome. I figured of I was low maintenance all weekend then she would want to see me so when I though I'd upheld my side of that bargain I couldn't accept that she needed to change the plans. She obviously had no idea I'd done this so I completely came out of left field when I said is this because of me. Plans are now for today but until I'm with her, I won't accept its happening. I don't know if she'll want to talk about it. Part of me is embarrassed and just wants to ignore Sunday altogether but it might be worth a conversation about the deal I'd made. She keeps telling me that she loves being my friend, that she doesn't need me to be anyone different but honestly, after 27 years in a controlling relationship where everything was my fault, trying to unpick that way of thinking is so difficult. It doesn't really play out with anyone else but we became friends when she was my mental health first aider at work so she knew all of my baggage but still chose to want to be my friend. We got close really quick. She is married with a life outside of me which I totally get and am happy for her but I think because I don't, my thoughts are mainly around her, I'm much lower down on her list (quite rightly so).

    I don't think I can cope with this level of sensitivity for much longer

  • Kiki23
    Kiki23 Community Member Posts: 270 Empowering
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1099287#Comment_1099287
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxJjV9t_0mI
  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    thanks for this, very interesting and fits how i feel.

    I saw the psychiatrist yesterday and he is introducing a mood stabiliser on top of my current meds. He is also telling my GP to only prescribe my normal meds week by week to reduce the risk of overdosing. I had just requested my normal monthly stock so hoping to get those before they get the memo to do weekly. I know its a safety thing but i hate having control taken away.

    After the appointment, i did feel a bit lighter because he listened and there seems to be a bit of a plan in place. Today I feel so depressed, wanting to self harm and drink. I know I have to wait to start the meds (need an ECG first) and then allow time for them to kick in but honestly, when every day is a huge effort to get through, its hard to know how to stay existing.

  • Holly_Scope
    Holly_Scope Posts: 5,786 Online Community Team

    That sounds really promising @sosad999 but I completely get your worry about the transition to the new meds and allowing time for them to kick in. It sounds like quite an important meeting so after yesterday, it's bound to have taken it out of you today. Have you got anything planned or are you able to take it easy and have a bit of a rest day?

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    I've got this idea in my head that I can't shift. I want to wait until its dark and then just drive as far as I can go. I don't like night driving but the motorway north of where I live is always in pitch darkness and there is something drawing me to it. Its risky and i think thats what I want. I want a risk that I'll die.

    I honesty don't feel like I have a place in this world. I have lovely family and friends but I just don't fit. I can't control or reduce my emotions and they make it unbearable.

    I know I have to wait for my meds to start and then to kick in but this is torture

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 8,614 Online Community Team

    I'm sorry you're still feeling so out of place @sosad999.

    Have you told anyone about this thought about the motorway? If you feel you're drawn to taking risks with your car, could you perhaps leave your keys with a trusted friend or family member for a while?

    How are you getting on with your medication, did they sort your ECG? Hope things start to feel more bearable soon.

  • StarryEyed
    StarryEyed Community Member Posts: 1,438 Championing

    Hi @sosad999 I struggle with suicidal thoughts too, for about 30 years now, and I've learned some ways to manage them that you too might find helpful. How long have you been feeling suicidal? It's not clear here if this is a new thought or a chronic thought.

  • sosad999
    sosad999 Community Member Posts: 41 Contributor

    the suicidal thoughts are never far away but much more prominent at the moment. I've defintiely come to a realisation that I'm just not built for living such a sensitive life.

    I've got my ECG tomorrow so I'm hoping to start the new meds in a week or so.

    I know I need to be patience and normally I can be in general but right now I just need something to change before I choose my own path.

    I feel quite disconnected today, flat, no motivation to do anything despite being at work.

    I did have a drink last night and self harmed 😓

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