Make the leap today

cuttlefish

So after getting rejected for PIP some time last year, I decided to take the leap and applying again.

Last time, I people-pleased a lot, and gave evidence on my best day. The assessor did a good job of using my then part time job as a support worker against me to show I could cope.

I ended up quitting that job due to stress and being verbally and physically attacked by a service user.

I have felt deep shame about applying again. I remember getting the first report in and having been scored 0 on everything when I was really struggling, I was so angry I was shaking and just scrunched up the report and threw it on the floor.

Since then, things have gotten bad again. Self-harm and self neglect, horrific stress, daily vomiting. Crippling depression and anxiety. I am currently going through the process of getting autism and ADHD diagnosis. I always think I can cope until things get really bad, until trauma anniversaries come around. Every Christmas/May and October, seem to be the worst, I am suicidal and tend to ruin my own life, impulsively quit my job(s), get into debt, ruin relationships. My mood swings are so bad I fear I may have BPD, though I am waiting until my ADHD and autism assessment comes back before I open that door.

On top of that, the chronic neglect from medical professionals. I have so many symptoms that are hand waved that are making my life so much harder. Chronic fatigue, chronic muscle aches/pains, daily vomiting/IBS, ocular migraines where I lose vision, PCOS - there is so much going on and everytime I go to the doctors, I know they see me as a pain meds seeker and hypochondriac.

I am not a hypochondriac!! I have mental health issues, but very real physical issues, that have been unaddressed for years. I am tired, but at this point in my life, I'm entitled. I work full time in a call centre getting verbally abused by customers and my manager all day for peanuts pay - I am a taxpayer, I pay into PIP, and I deserve to live a good life. IDGAF about Reform voters or coworkers at my office, who constantly make jokes about PIP and benefits and disabled people, and it makes my blood boil, while I just sit there, and my money gets drained on rent and bills and paying for vitamins, prescriptions, migraine cooling masks, painkillers, mobility aids - the list goes on!

I didn't ask for this, and I didn't ask to get abused all through my childhood and develop a bunch of diseases from my family's crappy genetics.

All this to say I've finally taken the leap, was on the phone almost an hour just getting the form filled out. This time I have a fire under me, I feel. My job feels like it's always on the brink - I don't even know I'll pass probation because my work environment is incredibly stressful, toxic and bullying - so PIP would mean a lifeline and safety net. I am tired of the cycle of unstable employment, being treated like dirt at the Job Centre, crying in front of people with no empathy. I don't care if I have to sit and get judged by a judge for being "unhealthy" or whatever. The government failed me (and my mum and sister, both of whom were mentally unwell and thrown under the bus after multiple suicide attempts) and I deserve to have access to something that will help me live a normal, happy life after 27+ years of pain and suffering.

Rosie_Scope

Welcome to the community @cuttlefish. Sorry to hear about all you've been through before now, it sounds like an awful lot to cope with. It's so horrible asking for help from medical professionals and not being believed.

I hope this new PIP journey goes well for you and helps you feel more supported in what you need to do to help yourself through. Best of luck with it!