I am so down i lost my job through dismissal of health grounds

miw1246_

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1102376#Comment_1102376

I thought i had replied to this...yes iam trying to block things out but some days its very difficult like today I have struggled as I had a final pay check and the confirmation its all done now..it's like grief isn't it but I dont no how it can be so difficult when ived dealt with death so much within my family and dealt with that better 💔 maybe my identity and self worth has vanished and when you feel so depressed and anxious I cant even think about working when I can barely lift my head some days...but people keep saying u need a focus u need structure which really doesn't help me as I feel very pressured that I should be moved on and we'll now because its been over 6 months from this breakdown..honestly its so so difficult 💔

Viscount

As always with these sort of things, you will have bad days/weeks and good days/weeks. For me, the way I was treated, the unfairness and the humiliation broke me and brought me to the lowest I have ever been. Even the death of a parent was not as bad as what work did to me if I am honest, as then I had my job to help me get through it and I kept busy… work was a good distraction. I still have bad days/weeks several years later… I woke up one morning, feeling "ok", and the postman delivered a letter from the DWP (it was about changes to do with ESA/UC migration) and it took me all morning to even open the damn letter!

Sounds pathetic (I even get angry with myself for sounding so weak and useless as until these events I used to be SO strong, determined, full of confidence etc) - but I am my own worst enemy. I dread any "brown envelope" or any "official looking" letter, as it reminds me of work and brings on the "stress and anxiety". Later the same day, the Govt department I worked for was on the news and in the end, I had to switch the TV and radio off for the rest of the day as every time they mentioned the Dept (or showed its logo on the TV), it brought back the feelings of dread, my heartrate increased, I felt sick, there was a "tense knot in my stomach" and got a headache, thoughts that NO ONE understood etc etc… so I went to bed "to hide under the duvet", in a futile attempt to block it all out… and in the end I went on a downward spiral for days, where I didn't eat much and hardly left the house - and all started with just 1 envelope. Anyhow, with the help of my dog and some good non-judgemental friends, I slowly returned to the "real world". It wasn't easy, but just shows how something innocuous as a letter can set me off even years later.

All I am trying to say is PLEASE don't be too hard on yourself, you will have ups and downs (not trivialising your feelings) - for me it still a rollercoaster of emotions. There is "no normal", take every day as it comes and I try and find something positive to focus on every day… doesn't always work, but it helps. I'm no expert, but there are no quick fixes with such personal trauma of being unfairly treated and loosing your job through no fault of your own etc… everyone is different and I got sick of people telling me "pull yourself together" or "move on", work at your own pace, it will happen. I started to do more in my garden, I even started growing vegetables from seed. I eventually turned my creative feelings into painting watercolours - just for a while these things give me comfort. My dog also helped - regular walks, with my earbuds in listening to calming classical music was good for me. I also volunteer at my local hospice in their admin office, this keeps my brain active, and now I am doing something where I am relied on again and helping others - gives me that sense of being needed and that I am not "useless" etc… Don't feel bad for feeling bad… but I am having more good days than bad, and I know in time you will too. Good luck.