I'm so fed up of people staring 😔

CountryMimi

I'm just wondering if anyone else gets bothered by people staring at them?

I've posted before about the 'blue badge stare' which is just awful in itself, but I'm 35 with Cauda Equina Syndrome and I just get so upset at people staring like I'm some form of entertainment 😔

About 6 months post diagnosis, I started to consider getting a mobility scooter, but I had several occasions where I used the scooters available in shopping centres / supermarkets and people mocked me and laugh, so I will no longer use one and the idea of getting my own mobility scooter swiftly went out of the window.

I don't really get out and about much - I'm restricted because of pain, but I do enjoy being in my own home. However, there are some occasions where I just can't avoid going out.

I have a self propelling wheelchair, but it's a G-Logic Excel, very basic and no longer meets my needs as my mobility is worsening and my condition seems to be deteriorating and the chair itself is just too heavy to self propel, particularly since the terrain is very hilly where I live), so I'm waiting for a wheelchair assessment so that I can start the process of ordering my own custom, active wheelchair and will eventually get a power add-on which will help, but for the time being I'm stuck with my crutches.

I was out today and really struggling. Several times I noticed people staring at me as though I'm some sort of entertainment. I mentioned to my Mum that it really bothers me and her theory is that people feel sorry for me because I'm young. This may be the case, but it's awful. I didn't ask to be in this position.

Does anyone else experience this? If so, how do you handle it?

jud1e

Your feelings are completely understandable. People appear so rude but maybe your Mum is right about some people feeling sadness because you are young.

Having been disabled and using aids from a young age I understand why you feel this way. At 74 I am not so noticeable apart from the odd people who think I’m invisible and nearly fall on my lap. Oddly they were a lot more observant when my dog was in my knee. When younger I walked with a rolator with a seat. It was very handy in queues and if tired.

A physio provided my first one and told me that the benefits far outway the negatives.

Hold your head up high girl and either smile at them or ignore them. It is their problem certainly not yours.

Hugs

Billiegoat

I know its not helpful to say dont worry, but dont worry.Sometimes I think it's curiosity. It's something I suffer from too. Sometimes I know my mobility is so bad that I look round to see if people are staring because im embarrassed.

I'm on crutches 3.5 years and counting, barely mobile and use a scooter or wheelchair also but when im on my crutches somone will almost always offer to help me ( not sure what they can do but carry me) or sometimes someone will look at me and then say something to the person they are with who then looks at me. I also get toilet doors opened and closed for me and people will actually get up to come over and open a door for me. I like to think people care, but if course some don't.

I tend to think they're wondering what's wrong or just glad it's not them. Some might not be nice but I dont know about them so I assume it's not happening. If it is, I know we all have the right to live a fulfilled life and i would fight for that.This could be them one day.

CountryMimi

It would just be so much nicer if people could be more considerate and think how they would feel if they were in our positions

@jud1e I am so sorry, that must feel very frustrating to have the opposite problem, but to feel as though you're invisible and people aren't mindful of their spatial awareness 😔. A rollator would be ideal, but I already feel very self conscious, so I don't think it would be something for me just yet.

I don't think many people can resist a dog 🥰

@Chris75_ It's refreshing to hear that they were considerate as sadly, as human beings I think there is so much self-entitlement these days.

I wonder if sometimes people feel so awkward around people with disabilities that they over compensate.

As I've learnt over the last 4 years since my diagnosis, disabilities don't discriminate, but people certainly do!

CountryMimi

@Billiegoat I can completely understand, it's not nice at all. I worry more about how my disability impacts other people than I worry about how my disability impacts other people. For example, if I'm walking down a fairly narrow aisle in a shop, I'm constantly worried about people behind me and more often than not, will neglect my own needs to try and appease them

I'm always so grateful when people are considerate - that really doesn't bother me. I was crossing the road one time and I a gentleman who was probably in his 70's linked his arm with mine and said "come on lovey, let's get you across the road". It was quite ironic that he was the one helping me 😅 but it's just the staring that really bothers me.

Billiegoat

Thanks for your reply. I'd want to understand better why that is how you feel. Maybe you've had an experience that has told you that. Maybe others here feel the same as you? Hopefully i'm not missing your meaning.

MissMarple

I don't know if this helps at all, but here's my thought process, how I handle staring.

1. I consider a few seconds of staring natural human behaviour. We constantly monitor our surroundings. If we see anything unusual, it takes our brains some time to process it and conclude that it's not a murderous robot on wheels, just a woman in a wheelchair. They'll turn away eventually.

2. Those who keep staring may make me feel uncomfortable, but as your mum said, maybe they just feel sorry for you or keep an eye out in case you need help. That's still not a pleasant feeling, but I take it as coming from a good place. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

3. The ***holes. It hurts, but I refuse to be bothered by them for more than a few seconds and definitely won't change my behaviour based on theirs. If you would like to go out and are able to, using a scooter/wheelchair/crutches, then f*** them and go for it. Spring is coming, enjoy the weather.

Yani09

Yes, people do observe.. human nature.

My advice is to stop looking to see if they are observing you.

Stay focused on you and what you are doing. Use whatever you need.. once you stop looking to see if people are staring, you will feel more at ease. I use a powerchair around shops and to appointments. I want to try to use a scooter for outdoors.. arm weakness stopped me prrviously but going to try again. I was in my 30’s when first needed a wheelchair.

Richard_Scope

I have experienced this all of my life. It doesn't really affect me now, but it upsets my daughter when we're out and about.

There's logic to what your mum says @CountryMimi. I don't get as many stares now that the hair is greyer! I think some in society struggle with comprehending young people using mobility equipment.

Richard_Scope

😂

JessieJ

I learnt a long time ago, if you're disabled, you need to grow thick skin. Nothing should stop us going about our lives, except our own capabilities. There are stares, pitiful looks & then big smiles from children, as they always show interest, then smile. Adults need a push with that, so I actually smile if someone stares or looks pitifully, it disarms them, then they have to smile or look away. Never had anything nasty shouted or said within my hearing, with thicker skin now, I would reply. A few jokey comments, but I'll happily joke back. As, with a powerchair & a dog at full arms length, jokey comments aplenty re batteries, wannabe husky etc.. nothing nasty. Groups of teens too, treat them like humans & you get the same back, politely too.

Don't let others hold you back, @CountryMimi, live your life & disarm folk you feel are staring with that smile. You can stick your tongue out if you want, but a smile works better 😉

CountryMimi

@MissMarple that is definitely a good way to categorise. I think in most cases (the glancers and the sympathy starters) people don't mean it in a derogatory manner, but it can certainly come across as that. As for the downright rude people who laugh, it's just disgraceful.

@Yani09 I understand that people observe, but there's a difference between a quick glance and prolonged staring.

@Richard_Scope it's really not nice is it. I'm so glad that you aren't really affected by it now, but I really feel for your daughter as if it were my Mum, I would feel so protective of her.

There is still so much stigma over young people and disabilities, it's honestly quite shocking. We shouldn't have be made to feel that we have to pick and choose our mobility aids. My Mum knows a lady who's daughter is a little older than me. She has a rollator, but she says she doesn't care how people react. I wish I could have her confidence!

That meme is hilarious 🤣

@JessieJ shame as we really shouldn't have to. I do, to an extent understand kids staring as for them it's curiosity and having worked in early years for 10 years, I definitely know how curious little children can be 🤣 I was in McDonalds last week and as I was leaving, a little girl said "she's got a poorly leg" - the innocence of kids 🥰 I was in abject pain and just needed to get back to my car to sit down somewhere more comfortable, so didn't stop to talk to her. Where as another time I might've stopped and told her that it's my back and that my crutches support me. I've even heard kids say "I wish I had crutches" which does make me laugh 😅

Maybe I need to start smiling at adults who stare 🤣. Although the staring bothers me, I think most people probably don't mean it in a derogatory way, but the people who laugh or make nasty remarks are just disgusting in my opinion

MissMarple

I don't understand those people who laugh or mock you @CountryMimi Not just for being rude, but I can't fathom what is so funny. If I see someone with a visible disability, I either don't think anything about it or I think something along the lines of "that must be hard".

I hope you can build up your confidence to not be bothered by other people's reactions. You have every right to be out and about, disabled or not, just like everyone else.

CountryMimi

I honestly don't even know. Maybe it's a nervous laughter? But I can't understand why a young woman using a mobility scooter would make anyone nervous. Either way, it just comes off as extremely degrading.

Maybe one day I'll build up the confidence to either completely ignore it or to politely challenge and educate them