PIP Award - grateful, validated, exhausted, confused, guilty

mawdryn

I was awarded PIP on 22nd July - enhanced across both Daily Living and Mobility - following a 2.5 hour telephone assessment on 16th July. I’d already requested and read the assessor’s PA4 report and so I had a good idea I might get it.

I’m incredibly grateful and feel very lucky given the endless horror stories of people struggling to get the help and awards they deserve. But beyond this, I feel really confused. There’s guilt - a bit of imposter syndrome in the mix - and also a sense of flatness. The struggle for PIP had become all consuming. Not only for financial reasons but because of what it says about my health and the need to overcome years of non belief and disparagement. And without PIP I no longer have that struggle in quite the same way.

I remain absolutely grateful and extremely relieved. I know that for many other people the struggle remains and is really difficult. I don’t want to take away from that in any way. But there are nevertheless strange and conflicting emotions for me having got the award. Almost like survivor’s guilt. I’d be interested to hear from other people who might have experienced something similar.

Carl_Scope

That's really interesting, and you're definitely not the first person I've heard describe something similar following a PIP (or LCWRA) award.

I think when your own experience is a little smoother or more successful than expected, especially when you see so many horror stories around, it can almost feel like you're waiting for the catch, at least in my experience.

Imposter syndrome is such a sneaky thing too. It seems to find its way into all sorts of areas of life, and I'm always surprised by the situations that trigger it. It's amazing how easily it can make us question ourselves!

I think a lot of people will relate to what you've said, especially feeling a bit "flat". Once something that's been so all-consuming suddenly comes to an end. It's a bit of a 'what now?'

Congratulations on your award though! 😊 Even when successful it's not an easy journey.

DAZZWER2000

I get everything you said , i hear you. Im conflicted in a different way , im 7 months into a review and pip ends in 7 weeks , im exhausted waiting and also reading about people escaping reviews and being granted extensions whilst i sweat. I need pip BUT , im starting to despise everything about it and would like to free myself from it , it feels like a prison sentance and i want to be free. I need it but hate it , conflicted !!!

float

I've felt similarly with my own experience of PIP (and ESA, then UC). It's weird because I know what I'm dealing with and how it impacts me, but some medical professionals still refuse to accept things (not that I have to deal with them very often, thankfully) so it's strange when someone who doesn't know me at all accepts it with all the evidence I provide and doesn't try to minimise things.

luvpink

@float

Hi welcome to the community.

I can relate to your experience about pip.

It can be such a degrading and exhausting process and cause a lot of worry and anxiety.

I have had negative and positive experiences over the years depending mainly on the assessment process and the assessors interpretation of evidence provided, and how my disability affects me.

I had an assessment last year and to my surprise I was granted a 10 year "ongoing" award which takes me past state retirement age.

The gruelling process certainly took its toll on my health at times.

Congratulations on your award.

Doglover2

@DAZZWER2000 You took the words out of my mouth. I'm exactly in your position. I am driven to distraction, even for a year before my review form was due to arrive i was in such a state of utter anxiety and still am. I detest anything to do with the benefits system ,its pure fear and loathing. The wait I think in some ways makes my disabilities worse and takes a very long time after if at all to "Come down" from it all. The entire process makes me physically sick.

Doglover2

@mawdryn Relax in the fact you got through it. Well done to you. But I totally understand where your coming from.