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Realising my child is perfect

Louise Storey
Louise Storey Member Posts: 1 Listener
I wrote this for

The words written here are from a tender place, a place I never thought I’d let people have access to. And here I am sharing with you all. If I’d have read these words two years ago, these words would never have made sense, and would not have related to my world, I’d have thought “How can this person possibly understand what it’s like…?”

The thing is, I had always believed that my angry, frustrated, sad, euphoric, happy, contented (fill in the blank…) feelings, were caused by the situation, person, thing or circumstance I was in or remembering. Not once did I ever consider that we live in a world of thought taking place every moment of our conscious lives, that thoughts are temporary and fluid, can change in a moment and therefore our feelings can not be taken as seriously as I had always believed and (eeek!) often acted upon. Understanding this has changed everything.

My son has autism, I now realise that my frustrated feelings had nothing to do with his behaviour and tantrums. Imagine what that meant… He wasn’t misbehaving, I couldn’t blame him or his behaviour, I had no reason to be angry with him. By knowing my feelings are thought taking place in the moment, and that the tantrum itself is not the cause, it has no power or control in how I think. Wow… that leaves the door wide open for new thoughts to come along and in turn bring with it a different experience.

Perspective enables us to see what might be more useful in that moment, for example, slowing down to see he’s anxious and it’s his way of communicating what he needs. Can you imagine the change in relationship just by taking that pressure and blame away from him? Much more trust of me when he can see I’m not blaming him for something he thought was ok and normal.

This letter to my son explains the things I’m grateful to now know:

My feelings never come from you…
…or your behaviour, my feelings experienced in any moment only ever come from MY thinking.
Make your noises, ask me the same questions over and over again if you want.
No need to apologise for your behaviour or noises.
I love your quirky ways, I see your spirit, humour and unique personality in a positive way.
Just be you my love.

You are and always will be just fine
My role is as your friend and guide.
No need to get everything just right.
No need to control everything.
Trusting what comes in the moment will guide me what to do or say.
You are not broken, you are perfect just the way you are.
You have your own path.
You bring more light and teaching into our world than you can ever imagine.

Slow down
Everything else can wait, let me understand what you need right now.
I see and hear you struggling, I know you can’t tell me with words.
Let us be in that quiet space, that place we can both meet even without words.
Let me put down my phone, my laptop and be with you when you most need me to.
My clear head will guide me to help you in this moment.
Your clear head will enable you to let go of the anxieties you are experiencing.

Don’t take things so seriously
So what…?

…if you are 7 and still like In the Night Garden?
…if I don’t have the answer to why you are the way you are.
…if I miss yet another appointment?
…if I miss the statement report writing deadline.
…if I haven’t been to all the autism courses, read all the austism books and joined all the support groups.
… if you do a twirl halfway through a race at Sports Day, your personality in that moment mean’t more than any competitive teaching in my book.

So as I see it now, doing my best doesn’t have to be full of control, fear, hard work, anger and resentment. Knowing what I know now, I realise there is another less stressful, happier more peaceful way to do my best. For knowing these things I am eternally grateful, so let’s get on and enjoy every moment of our lives together right now.

Mum xx


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